C-PTSD and Childhood Trauma

[avant-garde]

@Former-Member 

I needed someone to just tell me that I'm doing well and that they're proud of me...

[Former-Member]

@avant-garde well you are doing well my sweet, and I'm proud of you ❤️. 

[avant-garde]

Thought I might share this... just finished writing it

@Former-Member @Jynx @tyme @Till23 @Shaz51 @MJG017 @Ru-bee @rav3n @Bill16 @PeppyPatti @Glisten @TAB @Appleblossom 

you ask me what it looks like
complex PTSD
it's different for every person
for some it's neurodivergency

for me it's a lot of things
not just images in my mind
it's surrounded in pillows
because I'm the thrashing kind

it's dissociative seizures
where I pass out on the floor
can be out for minutes
or hours, or more

it's going from calm to panic
like the flick of a switch
something just triggered
maybe just an image

it's having something shake you
to the core of your memory
a concept or belief
that becomes your identity

it's waking up each day
wondering what will happen next
your schedule keeps you sane
what's the next thing on the list

it's being hypervigilant
because you know nothing else
always on your guard
dare not ask for help

it's always being tired
because you always had to see
what's around that corner
is it coming for me

it's terrified and triggered
at the most simple things
from words in nursery rhymes
to a myriad of things

it's not something you can plan for
or something to be changed
it's something that has shaped you
to be so incredibly... brave

[PeppyPatti]

I just found this thread - 

It's taken me a long time to venture out 

I have a lot of childhood trauma 

But my two sons have heaps and heaps of unresolved trauma 

They are both quite damaged. 

[Former-Member]

@avant-garde such powerful words and it really hits home just how much we have to deal with each and every day,  some days harder then others. 

You are amazing and so very brave ❤️ 

[rav3n]

thank you for sharing @avant-garde you really do have a way with words, the last 3 stanzas in particular stood out to me. you are incredibly brave indeed 💙

[MJG017]

@avant-garde 

Thank you for sharing that.  It certainly articulates very well what its like to live with these traumas for a lot of us.  It would be great if people outside of this forum that don't experience it could read it.  Maybe there will be a lot less stigma and more understanding out there if they did.

[avant-garde]

@MJG017 it's part of my manuscript for 365 days in poetry (will be published under a nom de plume), one poem a day for this entire year.

[Jynx]

@avant-garde 

I have no words...

I will try anyway.

Wow. I am so deeply moved, like... I think you captured soooo well the intensity, the perpetuality, and the constant wariness. Thank you for sharing 💜

[Till23]

It’s funny (not in the hilarious way) @avant-garde 

I just went from relatively calm to very anxious in a flash. Just like in your poem. That old thinking about the future thing. Although sometimes you have to.

I am going out for a meal with some ex-colleagues and I suddenly felt anxious about it. It’s on the background of talking to my dog’s vet. It was to arrange a prescription and some other tablets for my dog. It will be the last ones. If he doesn’t pass away himself before they run out, I will have him put to sleep at that time (or before if I think he’s in pain). He will be 16 and a half. He is deaf and partially blind and has arthritis, Cushing’s disease and heart failure. I’d rather he wasn’t in pain as I’m sure he would rather, but also emotional pain because he sometimes gets confused now and looks for me even when I’m nearby and I have to chase him to show him I am there - he is happy then, but I feel for him when he gets anxious to find me. Unfortunately he will be crying when I get home, because I rarely go out at night, so he’s not used to it.

Anyhow I will try to pull myself together and put on a happy face for my ex-colleagues. I’ve had a few passing lately including my other dog just before my second cancer diagnosis and my father 7 months ago.
I have realised in last couple of years I also have much grieving to do also for my early loss of innocence and my teenage hood, and many other things due to CSA. 
I hope everyone else is as good as possible given your circumstances