Lived Experience Forum

[NatureLover]

---

@Historylover wrote:

I hurt. So very damned much. 

---

So sorry to hear about your distress and pain, @Historylover  😞

Sending wishes for your pain to ease... 

[Historylover]

Life does have many twists and turns @Appleblossom, but good ones just don't arise for me anymore. They were only there when my ex-psy was luring me along with treats to keep me in his thrall. These days, I just keep getting whammied, but I do keep reaching out when I am at my lowest. It's the only way I can lift myself. 

I'm not quite sure what you mean by my 'self-consciousness' @Appleblossom, but perhaps it means something different to you than it does to me. By my measure I'm not the least self-conscious. I just draw more attention that I am comfortable with in the real world, like others have found in me new, more interesting quarry and all attention turns to me. It's predatory-level attention; some so bold as to even deign to 'tolerate' me. Attempts to dispirit me are par for the course, which merely serves to harden my resolve. These people are just looking to find new sources to enable them to maintain or raise their self-image in a group by exploitation and belittling of others, big-noting themselves shamelessly. I just try to ignore it all and work around it. It seems to be the way society works, in a dysfunctional sense. If there are pockets of normality out there, I hope to find one soon.

I'm pleased you are finding some comfort in your church and fellow parishioners, @Appleblossom. Take care.

[Historylover]

Thank you for your reply and support last night, @Peregrinefalcon. I was just feeling too low to respond. Today is another day and it looks rather sunny out there, but this is Melbourne...

I hope I can get the PowerPoint assessment done too. I'm just too unfamiliar with the process, but it doesn't look too difficult. Just a little intimidating from my lack-of-experience with it viewpoint. My main concern is finishing the assessment and accidentally losing it.

Anyway, the day is moving along and I'm running late, so I must get onto other things. Thank you for your support, and cheers.

[Historylover]

Thank you for your reply last night @Former-Member, but I was just feeling too low to respond. 

Life can be tougher than it is meant to be, can't it? I have just kept pushing through, but sometimes I wonder why I bother. 

I wouldn't even consider opening up to people @Former-Member. There's a lot more to us all than that, and I like to learn about people, and vice-versa, slowly and respectfully, rather than invading each other's privacy to satisfy needless curiosity. Some things are just nobody else's business. 

I hope you have a good day @Former-Member. Take care.

[Historylover]

Thank you @NatureLover. Today has started out a little brighter. I hope it stays that way.

Have a good day and take care.

[Appleblossom]

We are certainly getting unstable spring Melbourne weather @Historylover 

When I joined this forum I was isolated, teaching had almost dried up, and I felt so low that I thought I should not let people get close in case I completed, and it would not be fair on them so when my batch of students graduated I just  had random odd lessons. I had given up on people. It was my last ditch attempt 

You posted " These people are just looking to find new sources to enable them to maintain or raise their self-image in a group by exploitation and belittling of others. big-noting themselves shamelessly. I just try to ignore it all and work around it. It seems to be the way society works, in a dysfunctional sense."

The social world is pretty complicated to navigate.  Takes more than having manners, or connections and introductions, or putting everyone in one room and expecting ... walla ... a community.

I dont feel a cushy everyone loves me kinda belonging at the church, but that over the last couple years, I have danced around gently, and met a few people who I connect with in different ways.  I have encountered big noting and passive aggression and resistance and direct rudeness.  The difference was for the first time in my life I did not feel tongue tied, but asserted myself directly, not sure how that particular relationship will go, but it is not one I am that interested in, just being decent when we are both there is enough.  With others, I have a range of different overlaps, so trust is emerging. Eg., One lady did geology, one fella did literature, both at same uni, but a whole generation before me, but they also have ageing issues, everyone is complicated, but I try not to get into extreme positions, and see some posturing as defensiveness within their own personalities.  As in the lady who will not share vulnerabilities and is a bit into snubs and put downs. Seeing it as her problem, and not getting caught, and curious what she is hiding ... to make her want to be "bulletproof" ... her word.

[Former-Member]

@Historylover @I think just relax and let happen what must, not in control of other people so forget and keep moving.

I must take the same action for myself, you caught me in a moment of worry which I must learn how to control, today I was so happy and taking it all in till someone decided to sit right next to me with all the empty seats on a bus. That got me worried throughout the day but going home was on top of the world again, funny how people play with your emotions like that, I’m not built that way and it does not bring me joy kicking a person while their down. I hope you are willing to keep fighting this battle that we as the disabled must accept. Or what ever works for you I’m not a leader and half the time don’t know what people are thinking anyway just gotta focus on my self, self love is the key, hope you can keep kicking down door in your studying cause I’ve tried studying many a time and can’t keep up with it as I’m not getting paid. 

sorry it took so long but I had work today and yeah was busy with that… tomorrow is a big day, I wish I could train myself to thinking everyday is a big day and enjoy life again like I used to, I had it in me back then why not now… all the best in your travels here if you need to chat cheers

[Historylover]

@Appleblossom, your situation is so different to mine. My ex-psy has done everything possible to ensure that I can't survive–that I can only endure for as long as I can stand this situation, and to that end he made me very strong. That's the problem, that's why I'm 'still damned safe'–he's ensuring I just keep going so that he can enjoy my trauma and I continue to further his interests. Many talk about being lonely and on their own while then talking about work, or family etc. Few could understand the extent of my aloneness. I have no-one, no-one. I don't even have anyone to bury me. In the real world, I have no-one who will help me. It is not to their advantage unless they can exploit me while doing so. That's been my life path. Until the event that brought me to this forum, I thought I had escaped that path, then only to be plunged back into it with no hope of escape.

My ex-psy has systematically closed every door for me. Whenever I think I will try this or that, I find that he has already closed that door. He has completely tripped me up. I consider buying a unit, but he has only left me with enough money (by his financial advice) that choice is beyond restrictive. Most in my price range are unsuitable for one reason or another, so I just stay put. Sometimes I have thought a new area might be refreshing, but I am so familiar with this area that it just might be overwhelming to go somewhere new, especially when I don't have a car. I am stymied at every point. Believe me, if I could get out of here and start anew, I would jump at the chance. But my spirits can only take so much and they've taken all they can. 'He' is just maintaining me in life for his own benefit, his own objectives, and revelling in every moment of it.

Yes, @Appleblossom, the social world certainly is difficult to navigate. I've given it my best but I've given up. There is no point in trying anything new, but I probably will. I probably will have to, that's the catch. I've now devolved to the point that there is no joy in my life and I am incapable of giving love. I only have my study and there I have to endure teachers with their own agendas to work around. There is something about me that others read as their needing to ensure that I don't succeed in my objectives. And I just can't beat them. I just stay in this prison. Fortunately I enjoy my studies at this time anyway. 

No-one but a psychiatrist can understand what he has done to me, or the control he had, and continues to have, over me. And other psychiatrists love his work, so I can't get help there either. 

I'm broken @Appleblossom, and no-one can or will fix me.

[NatureLover]

---

@Historylover wrote:

Thank you @NatureLover. Today has started out a little brighter. I hope it stays that way.

---

I am sorry to read that by the end of the day (or whenever your last post was yesterday) your brighter day had by the sounds of it dissolved, @Historylover  😞 

Still wishing for brighter days and some feeling of hope for you.

***

I didn't know that you and @Appleblossom  were in Melbourne! I am too. Was initially hoping for part sun today from the forecast, but this morning's forecast shows no little yellow sun 😞

[Historylover]

You must be in the 'cloudy area' of Melbourne, @NatureLover 😒. Sun is shining here and the sky is blue. Looks lovely, at the moment.

Thank you for your good wishes. Take care.

P.S. I know not everyone is, but I am an ardent monarchist. I was up all night and much of the morning watching the Queen's funeral. Today, it is finally sinking in that she is gone and the world feels so empty. I just want to cry.