Lived Experience Forum

[Change123]

Hi

I'm new to this forum but have had BPD probably since about 8 years old but was diagnosed about 5 years ago and I'm in my late 40's.

I'm really just fed up with it all, I have done DBT, I have had therapy and I'm on meds currently.  I'm just sick of the never ending roller coaster. It seems that everything is fine for a week at the most in my life and then it all turns to crap again.  I know alot of the problem is that I'm co dependent on my partner who has Bipolar but he is not on any medication.  He blames everything including his bipolar on my BPD. I have had enough therapy and enough insight into my condition to know firstly its not all my fault it takes 2 but also you are responsible for your own actions and how you react to something.  But he blames his verbal abusiveness to me on me, saying that I have made my bed and now I need to sleep in it.  He has told me that his support fourm for carers state that: I shouldnt have anymore therapy because us BPD people crave attention and that this just feeds it, he believes everything I say is manipulative because he is told that we manipulate everything, he says I dont have any rights because of the trauma he went through with me. I go through life thinking why do I bother to even be here.  I constantly have suicidal thoughts and its just becuase of my beautiful dog that I'm still here but I honestly believe that if I was gone no one except my dog would miss me.  My partner has told me in the past multiple times that he wishes I was dead and then he would be happy- so he wouldnt miss me, my work well I would be the gossip for a month or so and then forgotten about, my family who I disowned becuase of their behaviour towards me dont care - I mean the last time I spoke to my mother was 6 years ago and I tried to tell her how I felt but instead she just screamed the phone down at me and wont even acknowledge what she has put me through so she wouldnt care and she hasnt even tried to contact her own daughter (which makes me feel even more worthless) and the rest of my family are the same.

I dont why I should keep going on I really dont, life just doesnt have any joy anymore and apart from my dog I struggle with reasons to stay here. I know I'm a resilient person as I have been to hell and back many times and still manage to work and pretend "I'm normal" but all I want in life is to be happy.

Lately in the last month something has changed in me for the worse, everytime I go through hell at home it feels like a part of me has died permanently and wont come back ie. positivity, the will to keep going and caring about myself in general.  I dont know if its because I have had so many drama's lately in the last month or two both work and home and maybe I have just had enough of fighting.....

I know this story is probably the same as others, I dont expect anyne to really care becuase you dont know me but I guess I'm just venting as I have no friends or anyone to talk to - very isolated.

Thanks for taking the time to read this if you have.

[Shimmer]

Hi @Change123,

I'm Shimmer, one of the moderators here on the SANE Forums.

I am quite concerned about you - I am glad you reached out to us for some support.

Firstly, you mentioned that you constantly have suicidal thoughts and are feeling isolated, so I wanted to provide you with some telephone and online-based crisis support services that you can use should you feel unsafe:

• Lifeline 13 11 14 (Phone 24/7, Chat 7pm-4am)
  
• Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 (24 hours)
  
• In an emergency call 000

Secondly, I'm concerned about your partner's verbal abuse, in particular, him saying he wishes you were dead. Any kind of abuse is never okay. Also, you have the right to seek treatment regardless of his opinion. I'd recommend you contact 1800RESPECT, the National Domestic Violence Counselling Service, to get some more specialised support and information around this. Here are their details:

1800RESPECT 1800 737 732 (24/7)

Finally, I'm glad to hear that you are a resilient person, it's impressive managing to work with all this going on! Your goal of being happy is a wonderful one. I'm curious, are there times that you are happy now, or are there some when you have been in the past? What were the things that made you happy? I'd be interested to hear what you'd like your life to be like.

Take care,

Shimmer

[Change123]

Hi Shimmer

I have truly given up on lifeline, crisis centre and domestic violence support.

Lifelife I used to ring all the time until one time they fell asleep or walked off on me as there was no one there when I finishes ranting, domestic abuse I was on hold for about 30 minutes and gave up, crisis center call out.  Well they really stuffed me up when my partner was suicidal I had them out and at that stage he admitted he had issues and actually want to be hospitalised - thier words of wisom was that he was better off at home and basically I had to take time off work to be on suicide watch and then had to literally beg threm to check in on him when I was back.  I feel totally let down by the mental health system in more ways than one!

What makes me happy and yes sometimes I am really happy but it depends on my partners moods - yes I realise I'm codependent.

I love my dog german shepherd, I love nature and native flora and fauna - often just spending time outside in the sun with my dog and the nature and when my partners is good things are really good - he can be really funny, caring, loving and generous. I like and appreciate the simple things.  I want for my life to not be filled with turmoil and hate directed at me, I want to be able to laugh more and have friends, I want to be able to go out more and not be home all the time like we are but there is always an excuse why we cant.  If I try doing something by myself he disapproves as we should be spending time together which is true but he doesnt want to enjoy life it seems sometimes or that I'm wasting money doing this or that.  I'm really interested in self defence and would love to do something with that which would keep me fit as well.

I know I'm ranting as my anxiety has just gone up as I'm about to go home and dont know what I have to face!

 I feel very isoalted, alone, not listened to and worthless at the moment.  Sometimes I have thought with suicide that maybe I will just smash my car into a wall and you know what stops me - how stupid is this - I'm scared of what my partner will say if I dont do it properly and just end up smashing the car!  Thats how much i value my own life at the moment.

[Baboo]

Hello,

this is an alarming post.

Please contact your family and friends for a chat or coffee catch up as soon as you can.

Im sorry the supports you have tried so far has not helped- please do not give up on hope for support thou. there are many wonderful things in life to love- like the things you mentioned- im glad you have posted in here tonight. the community of people here are very wonderful and supportive. reading there stories can give hope too.

Send us a msg back if you can with a list of others you might be able to contact tonight. mother, friend- any one you can think of.

What are you doing tonight? is there any good movies you can watch? can you take your dog for a walk? Draw a picture, listen to your fav music? What are some things you have done in the past to help you get through tough times?

Kind regards

Baboo

Moderator

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Change123

I have noticed you post and support others on the forum. It is amazing how even when we are low we can find some compassion.

It is extremely diffiicult when you are dealing with someone at home with mental illness and they are say such hurtful things. 

I have also thought the same thing about sriving and beame much more careful about my mood state while on the road.  Then I had a serious accident last year, but was so lucky not to be hurt. Then I lost my licence .. the issue was obviously an issue. 

I also hear your resilience and wonder if your relationship is draining your sense of worth. 

I cant offer much beyond responding and sharing, but hope one day you will feel your life on your terms is worth it.

[NikNik]

Hi @Change123

I'm sorry you had such a negative experience with some crisis services. I encourage you not to give up on reaching out though.

If you feel up to it, SANE has a Helpline (1800 18 7263) that you can call. We can provide further referrals and support, if you're open to that?

Nik

[Change123]

Thanks Baboo & Appleblossom, I appreciate your responses.

Baboo unfortunately I dont have any friends I can go and see, I dont see any work colleagues after work, I dont have my mother to talk to as she is part of the abuse of my childhood and no other family that I have anything to do with.  So I am physically completely alone. 

I think I'm just in robot mode I just keep going and part of me is scared to stop because I think once I stop that might be it.  I am at work currently which at lest gets me out of the house especially being told I'm nothing but a piece of sh##! this morning. I think after over 25 years of this I have finally got to a stage where I either cant cope or just dont want it anymore.  I know this is probably the BPD side of me talking now but right this minute I cant stand the SOB! I have nothing but hate and loathing for him at the moment but I keep my rage controlled and feelings controlled.  Sometimes I dont how I do it, he even spat in my face from about 5 inches away and I just dont say a word.  I think I probably disassociate which I did as a kid to escape.  I guess looking from the outside in, my main mental health issue with BPD is that the abuse has never really left my life in one way or another.

I'll be ok I always am somehow.

Thanks again the responses helped to at least know someone out there who doesnt even know me cares.

🙂

[Change123]

Thanks NikNik,

Proem being I'm open to anysort of assistance but the problem is my partner who has been told a whole lot of rubbish (or his interpretation) from a carers support group.  Plus I know he doesnt like me talking to others about his abuse which is why I stay anonymous on these forums as if he knew I was on here  - well I dont want to think about that.  Apparently he gets told by the place that he is an absolute god send for me and I should be so lucky and should realise what I have in him.  I doubt that he tells them how he talks to me or what he says.  They believe in the "tough love" approach and say I should have consequence to all my actions, so anything he perceives as unjust by me, I get punished so to speak because I need to learn according to him.  Somehow I dont think spitting in my face from 5 inches away is a sound punishment.  I'm not stupid I totally know but find it hard to admit that he is abusing me.  I guess it makes me feel more worthless knowing I have gone from an abusive childhood straight to an abusive partner as a teenager so I get it - no wonder I dont have any self worth.  But I'm stuck in this situation, I'm the bread winner he doesnt work and if I leave the only thing that matters to me which is my dog - I'm scared he will do something out of spite.  When he is like this he is very vengeful, spiteful and cruel and I guess I dont have the strength to start all over again financially since our house is paid off, I would have to go to a shelter as i dont know what he would do to me if I left and then I think is this my BPD have I exaggerated everything in my head??  But then I think well a partner that loves you would say multiple times that they wish you were dead!