06-02-2019 04:00 AM - edited 09-02-2019 11:02 AM
Hiya Cornchip alias @Corny (Oh damn! I'm using a different browser and the keyboard choices are all f'd up. To get the @ symbol I need to hit " speech marks. I might save and go onto chrome. Gimme 5!)
Back Jack!! Ha ha...
Hope life's treating you well lovely; post xmas/new year and all that. You haven't been on for a while so I'm wondering how you are. Thought I'd pop in and say g'day; shoot the breeze.
Been listening/watching my brain's thoughts on auto pilot re powerlessness with men. You know those fantasies? Seeing myself become all heroic and putting men in their place; that sort of thing. This happens sometimes when I'm triggered. These days it's usually someone elses stuff.
When I was little, about five, I used to pretend I was the 'Samurai' from the 60's cult hit program on TV. I was the same with Bruce Lee in the 70's. There weren't many female icons to draw inspiration from back in the day, and considering relationships with my pseudo brothers, I get it.
You've said things have settled in your world which is so great. I was wondering if you've had or have such fantasies, what they were and if they were/are helpful. Children 'pretend' as a matter of course; it's part of our developement. As adults the same applies I suppose.
Escapism through fantasy I would guess is a normal (and I use that term delicately) response to a dysfunctional environment. When there's no physical means to do so we turn to our minds; a limitless source of wonder, empowerment and escape.
Anyway my sweet. Just chatting and waiting for your return. Miss ya...
12-02-2019 09:06 AM
Hi @Hope4me ,
I went away for 10 days. Off the grid. No phone, no noise, nuffin’! and now I should be getting back into life, but there’s always time for one more cup of tea eh!
You poor button, you’ve put yourself through the ringer of harsh judgment haven't you.
The 3am’s staring at the ceiling, OMG they are the pits. I get up now. I used to lie there, but I play around with the insomnia strategy, I fail a lot, but desperation does that to you. Sometimes I even start my day at 3am.
You’re too hard on your-self @Hope4me . You haven’t failed to protect yourself or implement all your hard work. I understand how we beat ourselves up though, I’m guilty of that too. But the reality is, that it is not the same as having an inner critic. We were actually incessantly and repeatedly criticised by the people who were supposed to lift us up, not beat us down. Often it is their voice inside of us in our internal monologue and not our own!
I feel for you with the sleeplessness, it is just awful. I get very anxious if my insomnia starts to rear its ugly head again. I didn’t sleep well while away so I’m a little how’s ya mumma now that I am back and have things to do.
I completely understand revenge fantasies Hope, and anyone who has been abused physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially or sexually will also understand what you’re going through. I actually went through with one of mine. Yep, I sure did. It was just a letter to his wife, I wanted her to know that I remembered everything and that she was an accomplice. But I posted it, and I don’t regret it one iota. I know it would have had absolutely no impact or made her feel guilty for grooming me to stay quiet, but I sent it, and it’s done. There’s no shame there, a lot of people have them. I talk about it to my shrink, they’re horrible intrusive thoughts to deal with, and they come in waves. I think once you start to wake up, and take some power back in your life, it is only natural that they surface. I think it’s actually a sign of progress for me. Earlier I would have blamed myself, not been outraged and thought that I deserved what was given to me.
And I completely understand the frustration of working so hard on yourself, and yet being embodied with a nervous system and brain, whose structures were laid down by circumstances out of our control. But sadly, this changes a person’s physiology and biology, to varying degrees, depending on each of our own circumstances, genetics and environment. That’s what I mean when I say, these adults are the puppeteers, when I have a bad day, I don’t feel in control at all. They changed me internally and it makes me feel like I don’t even own my own life some days. A good cry is what helps take the edge off. Being raised by adults where there was no healthy outward expression of emotion, very little affection, means that I bottled stuff up for years, tightened my body, and just feeling like I can have a good cry, and that my feelings are valid took years & years of therapy.
People who don’t have abuse histories just take it for granted that their brains can still do mind tricks and basic processes that ours struggle with. It’s completely normal for someone with your history to not be able to neatly compartmentalise another’s pain and not let it overwhelm your day. Especially if it is a younger family member. You feel like it’s being passed on through the generations….sigh in sadness.
My niece is too young to be dating but if she ends up with someone like my father, my god, I would be devastated and my sib would just be inconsolable. I don’t know what I would do.
Unfortunately, we have to be very careful who we give our time and energy to Hope, and understand our triggers, even the online environment triggers me and I have times I have to stay off and keep it to a minimum. We are already running on empty, and we are very susceptible to users and takers, taking advantage of our empathy and the fact that our self-worth was built upon making sure we made others happy, or at least was obedient and put their needs ahead of ours at all times. But I’m pretty sure you have the outsiders under control, moving through the world. You wouldn’t let them cross boundaries.
But this is family, Hope, not randoms. It is completely natural to have you up late at night staring at the ceiling. If that was my niece I would be very involved & concerned in her well-being.
I have nothing to add that you haven’t already figured out, by your bright lil’ self, except to say – I understand the mess that is your head and the frustrations that come with it!
I hope you at least got some Z’s and the hang over from the meds wasn't too awful.
Go gently on ya’ self wee lil’ one. And I hope that your niece is OK.
Corn Cakes xxxxxxx.
12-02-2019 11:07 AM - edited 12-02-2019 12:09 PM
Good morning sweet @Corny
Thankyou for the beautiful post and words of support; as always.10 days off the grid?! Nuffin'? (love that btw😁) Noice! I hope it was the rest you sorely needed my crunchy corn-chip friend.
Umm...I didn't realise you read my original post. I changed it after a few days as I thought it was too self indulgent, being your thread and all. At 3am after some head banging, the urge to offload can be strong. Knowing you as I do, I was drawn to your 'ears' for comfort. It might sound silly, but imagining you sitting there listening was cathartic.
Paining over the well-being of others, as you know is one of my trials of the heart. My niece's childhood trauma's with SA came to light when she disclosed to a teacher at 8 yrs old. What a brave little soul she was. Police involvement and everything which I got involved in to make sure things were dealt with properly. The response from her family, her mum in particular, was tragic; those memories stay with her, and me.
Your letter to that woman is indicative of the way I felt/feel about my sis for the way she protected her daughter's abuser; paternal g'father. Her own cycle of abuse came to fore well and truly. Like mother, like daughter...familial crap!
I do worry about you Corny; the heavy weight you carry. I'm glad you've developed a new relationship with your mum; it's real progress. I'm sure it must help her too having that closeness. Do you do activities together like going out or gardening? I hope you're both capable of such things. It's important to create 'normality' for recovery.
My mind's starting to wander so I'll leave things there. Sending warm thoughts your way my dear friend.💌
Hope xo 👵
12-02-2019 02:35 PM
Don't be crazy women, you weren't gate crashing, you silly duffer. My brain is odd, for some things I have a memory like an elephant, friends have commented a few times they can't believe the personal details about their families that I seem to remember after they've told me once, and then other things its like a sieve.
OMG your poor, poor niece. My heart just breaks for her. That is just absolutely soul destroying & would have literally re-traumatised her, and not very common to be able to vocalise at a young age. The poor sweetheart. There are no words for that. That would be a really tough thing to navigate with your sis......goodness me.....I would struggle to not fly off the handle at her and give her a serve.....
I am not surprised that she has found herself in an abusive relationship. The psychological abuse, manipulation and exploitation that I was subjected to by this women, together with the fact that I am a lesbain and attracted to the ladies, has been an absolute nightmare to navigate in terms of romantic relationships.
It's extremely triggering for me and I become flooded with memories of the grooming. When I'm having a down day that I haven't met someone, I ruminate that maybe I would only be able to have a sucessful relationship with a women who has also been SA'd. Just that understanding and validation would be so comforting. Because people who haven't, don't mean to invalidate me, and don't mean to make me feel ashamed of my feelings and emotions, but they kind of, sort of , always do.
I am envious they have that freedom, to be so light in the world and not have this poison inside you, but it makes me feel unseen and just like such a screw up. I know that it's overly simplitic to think like that, but some days it just feels like it would be easier if she was my girl, but also one of the Sista's if you know that I mean, Sista! That unspoken understanding and connection. I'm terrified I will end up in an abusive relationship too, or one where my needs aren't met and it is all about them and I fall into the caring role.
One strategy I use with family @Hope4me since I broke my brain as ya say, it sounds small but it makes a difference, is that I only catch up, one on one. I can't do many family get togethers a year in a group, I see each person on their own, it just sets me back and believe it or not I am still coming to terms with what has happened and my entire childhood. I most certainly am not there yet.
There is nothing like TRUTH. To have to sit with the TRUTH of my life has not been easy. People think that only people with schizophrenia, psychotic features, or the like, are the only people that expereince changes in reality. But the fact is that every person distorts and play with their reality inside our own noggins, it's a very useful brain trick we use all the time without realising it, to make our life more acceptable, and to titrate loss, grief, shock, sadness, heartbreak and all the hard emotions that come our way. We all lie to ourselves, and lie about our relationships, and it takes guts and time not to do that anymore, and eyeball ya self in the mirror and be self effacing, and see people for who they are, without the fantasy and wishful thinking.
I bet your niece really looks up to you and admires you @Hope4me . I bet just having you as a living example would make her feel less alone. I know that doesn't seem like much, but it can be the difference at our darkest moments.
Big cuddles @Hope4me you're an inspiration.
Corn Dog xx
12-02-2019 08:29 PM - edited 12-02-2019 08:31 PM
My mind isn't the best atm, but I did want to acknowledge your words. You write so differently these days girl. It's nice you've sorted out what works and what doesn't in some areas. I remember making those decisions too, but it's been lost in routinely practising and it becoming automatic. Your post bought it home again how much I've sacrificed, or maybe I should say changed, to stay sane. That comment makes me sad.
I choose to be alone because I don't do well with closeness; it disturbs me. Staying at an emotional distance 'feels' safe, therefore it is. The stuff with my niece is an example. Too close makes me too close if you understand that.
Non sufferers do have it good, delusion an' all. Their sympathy provides something, better than nothing. Every now and then I grieve for lost ignorance; not being self aware I mean. Sufferers know the difference, you can't come back from that. I must admit though, experiencing what inner peace actually feels like makes the isolation worthwhile.
Relationships? Since meeting that woman on a dating site and being treated like a piece of meat, I haven't had the urge to dabble. Not at all actually. Protecting myself means leaving well alone. The safety it brought is so worth it. I totally understand you needing that connection with another self aware woman though.
Anyway, I think the moon's cycle has affected my brainwaves; feeling blah. Till next time;
Lub, lub, lub...
13-02-2019 09:54 AM
Hey @Hope4me ,
At the end of the day, you are the only person that knows what's right for you, and lives it from the inside.
And if not being too close to people, helps to keep you well, then that is what is best, and I can understand that. And you've had awful violations so it makes sense.
I'm the opposite. Social isolation makes my dissociation go off the scale, and I feel very unwell without human contact. I feel much better when hanging out with friends and connecting face to face. Of course there are people that make me feel unwell, and family is a big one, but I miss seeing people, and too much time in my own head ain't a good thing.
A cooler day today after the hot one yesti'
13-02-2019 11:26 AM
Yes, it's only 18 degrees here atm @Corny My poor little toes are frozen and begging for warmth. 😬 Being the middle of February, this is really odd.❄☂🌧
I'm sort of envious of your need to be around people. I used to be like that before my brain broke; last one to leave the party and first one there. 🥂 I had lots of friends who'd come to my parties too. I used to do a ripper with music, colourful dim lighting, great food and lots of dancing. My 50th at a hired venue had around 50 people which was a blast. Family still mention it when the topic of parties comes up.
I reckon those times might be possible again. Who knows? I've come this far; might put it on my bucket list eh.
You take care of yourself girl. You're doing so well; very proud of you. Sending warm thoughts your way...💌🌈
Hope xoxo 👵🖐
16-02-2019 10:44 AM
You're party sounds like a hoot @Hope4me. I don't seek company just for the sake of it, I am selective, and I have come to like living alone for now, it's the only privacy I get. I have claws and demands placed on me a lot of the time that is draining. And the reality is that I am still recovering and learning how to integrate my condition, whilst also trying to create a little life for myself.
I also limit myself and approach friendship very cautiously these days. When I was younger I gave of myself too freely and it wasn't treated with respect or reciprocation. My beautiful ex psych who I adored but can no longer see, and my shrink have made me realise some harsh truths about how I relate and the sorts of people I tend to attract. Over the years I seem to inadvertently become a lot of people's pseudo psychologist, who they tell their secrets to, or help them get through a rough patch in their lives with their family or partner. That may sound lovely, but I kind of ended up feeling quite used, because they'd say "you're great to talk to", and then when I needed help, the support wasn't there. I couldn't understand why they were telling me stuff and not their closest person, and when I asked if they'd told, or were going to tell their partner or husband or girlfriend, and they'd say no, I'm not going to tell them! It's weird. They must think this chick is so messed up, that I could tell her anything and she won't be shocked. I have been doing therapy for such a long time that I forget that other people find it a huge, massive, shameful deal, that maybe they should take themselves to a psychologist. I took myself when I was 19! I was like, there is something wrong with my head, I can't do this alone, I have no healthy parents to help, I'm going to have to pay someone to help.
Another thing that I never, ever, ever would have expected was that I would lose friends when I 'came out' about my childhood, and also when my Dad died. The psychology of it has been explained to me, so I sort of, kind of, can understand, but I was really hurt and shocked that people could be that cold and just kick you to the curb and cut you off. I think when someone's entire identity has been formed around their abuse story or their mental health story, if you come out with a story that in their mind trumps their own, they can't handle it. It's almost threatening to them in a way, like you're taking their attention or something. It was really weird and strange, but what can a gurl do. So, @Hope4me I've had a few really good, long term mates dump me because I somehow threatened their identity by speaking my truth.
I guess I was just really naive.
I wrote a poem yesterday for myself, called "I thought that telling". And a part of me regrets telling. My life in many ways was simpler then. But I felt I had no choice. A part of my brain just broke open against my will.
Friends come and go from our lives, I suppose.
But having said that, the groove is still inside you @Hope4me !!!!!! The groove is just a beat away. And yes! I do believe that your social life can come back. I don't know about you @Hope4me but since my biggest breakdown, the relational and the social part of my brain is the most sensitive, damaged and bruised and the slowest to recover, unfortunately. Probably because our earliest social and relational experiences were the most damaging. It makes perfect sense.
Hope you enjoy some sunshine out there today on your deck or in the garden with your puppy with a few hot cuppas!
Corny Crispy Creme
16-02-2019 11:46 AM
Good morning lovely @Corny
Something you wrote resonated..
"I also limit myself and approach friendship very cautiously these days. When I was younger I gave of myself too freely and it wasn't treated with respect or reciprocation...
Over the years I seem to inadvertently become a lot of people's pseudo psychologist, who they tell their secrets to, or help them get through a rough patch in their lives with their family or partner. That may sound lovely, but I kind of ended up feeling quite used, because they'd say "you're great to talk to", and then when I needed help, the support wasn't there"
That's why I started my thread; 'How to accept help after a life of helping others?' I sort of get where 'they're' coming from to be honest. How do you approach someone so damaged? You also wrote; "I wrote a poem yesterday for myself, called "I thought that telling"
And you're right. (I'd love to read it if you don't mind sharing 💙) Telling people the in's and out's of our trials hasn't had the effect we thought it would.
When I was little, there were times when I was crying etc, then got the attention I so wanted. That turned into a life-long habit of gaining sympathy in place of love. As a child it worked, but back-fired as an adult. When my MH declined, so did the attention.
Your stories and experiences are so tragic Corny; the hard basket. As we've both found out, these forums seem to be the only place to find pure empathy. I limit posts to newbies; I've had to learn to do that for me. Being a Champ was a Godsend to begin with, then my nemisis; walking away had to happen.
And friendship? I guess that's why I'm a home body. Trusting people has gone from (childlike) unconditional to nearly non existant. It makes sense of course due to my experiences, but I sometimes miss a bff.
If things hadn't have happened the way they did with that woman (online dating), things might be different. Who knows? While ever I stay away, I don't get anxiety or panic. It's sad really, but necessary and I've come to accept it as my new norm.
You've obviously worked out the best way to cope and it seems to be working which is great! Finding those new responses has brought you calm; a long time coming. Kudos to you...👍🥂
Things can only get better yeah? 😊🎵
Hope xoxo 😘
16-02-2019 02:28 PM
You’re absolutely right @Hope4me , you’ve hit the nail on the head! And I think that’s why it hurts so much, because it even applies to my family. Sigh, with tears (but I am OK!).
It hasn’t had the effect I thought it would.
The effects, consequences and storm, are left inside of me.
And I guess what comes with it, is the same loneliness I have always felt. It actually hasn’t shifted that much, the more I think about it.
I understand what you mean though, that you can see their side, and I can too. And I think it just adds to the pain because you’re acting like a freak but also feeling everything you buried and supressed, and no-one, let alone yourself, can handle it.
When everything came flooding back my brain was firing off like the geyser at Yosemite, I kid you not. It was just awful to feel and I am sure, awful to watch.
I guess their side is…..that it’s just too dark and intense, so I’ll turn away or say nothing.
But it is really hard to be forced against your will because your head has exploded, to shift through the memories, pretend you’re not humiliated & ashamed, speak up, and say, hey, after all these years this was actually my childhood reality.
It’s sort of funny that you have to fight for your reality in the sense, to be heard & acknowledged by others, when you’ve lost touch with it at the same time. It’s a very heady, dizzying, emotional landscape to try and navigate on your own, when essentially you are that 5 year old little girl all over again - but everyone else has moved on, even flourished.
I’m so relieved to read you limit your posts to so called ‘newbies’. It just makes me irritated and angry how disrespectful some people are. The BB website is used and abused @Hope4me , by people making up 15,6839,000,000,000 different alias’s, pretending they are genuine because they can’t communicate with their partner.
Even though I was descending, and very unwell at the time, I cottoned on to that happening to me, and realised my privacy had been broken. You can imagine how that made me feel, on top of everything else I was going through.
This women thought I was cracking onto her partner. I know I don’t have much to show for my life, I am the classic traumatised under-achiever, but unfortunately for this chick, she assumed I was dumb. You wouldn’t know it, but I actually have a PhD from The University of Life, majoring in Aggression, and she was very aggressive towards me on that website. I threw out some bait, and she took it hook, line and sinker.
The only thing I was guilty of, is having a public breakdown and making a spectacle of myself. Anyone who has had a public breakdown knows how awful that is. She had the audacity to break my privacy knowing full well who her partner was. How would they feel if I went around telling every single person that I know about their alcohol, drug, sex and intimacy problems. The irony is, here I am, the organic lunatic, and she ended up making a spectacle of herself and their relationship, but regardless, still enjoys the fruits of shameless entitled nepotism, just like any good self-serving elite does.
My hunch is her husband is Bipolar Lite. Very cocky and arrogant, but not quite grandiose. I considered making a formal complaint, and I thought to myself, C’mon Corn Dog, think back, think back, think back, you never spoke to this person, you don’t even have to bother to make a phone call, but maybe there is a good reason for this charade. You have all that you need in your nugget, you are very perceptive, ever since you were little it has always been your Super Power. I thought about this chicks husband transcendentally, to figure out what the problem was, and in the silence the first word that popped into my head when I read his energy field was - 'shaken'.
So, some One, some Thing, some Experience/s has shaken this person. But they still did the wrong thing by me placating an angry partner and letting her read all his emails to keep the peace.
I’m not going to hurt someone who is already shaken, I understand how awful that is. But it still irritates me. She can’t even use the Internet respectfully, let alone treat a person in real life respectfully. What a start to a stellar career in Ethics.
On the days I feel really down about myself, it is very very very satisfying to know that even people with high status inside their tiny little corners of The Universe are just complete nut jobs like me. Despite appearances.
It’s a brutal world out there Hope. It goes against my warm nature to move through the world with cynicism and suspicion, but sometimes you gotta protect yourself gurl. It was a very very good & wise move to give up the Champ spot. People don’t respect how much energy it takes to reply when you’re trying to keep it together yourself.
Peace, love and squishy hugs, Corny xxxxx
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