Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

Just on the fly here. @Hope4me Going out soon.

Have a good day ALL.

[Dark_Olena]

@Corny You have my compassion and empathy, sorry I dont have better answers, just understanding. Hugz for you.

[Corny]

Hi @Hope4me, @Dark_Olena@Appleblossom@IamNotMyMind

I'll reply in as much detail as I can with my fuzzy Xmas brain. Nuffin' like being with family to get me feeling frazzled and mixing up memories and thoughts. I survived the day and look forward to going away on hols a bit later on. With my caring duties it's pretty much impossible to get away at this time of year, as Mums carers are on hols so its back to all the pressure being on us. My youngest sib is dashing to the airport for a spontaneous get me outta here. I don't blame her. And my other sib has marriage obligations to the Sir's side. Nothing dramatic has happened, it was all pretty quiet, but this time of year is just very anxiety provoking for us all and hard to cope with Mum's fixed delusions about Dad still being alive. Very draining and taxing when you have your own MI to fret about.

@Hope4me, I have heard/dabbled in, neuroplasticity, in the sense that I started meditating quite vigorously when I was 19. Meditation is a form of neuroplasticity, if you are persistent enough. I am not religious at all. I am not a Buddhist. I took it up in an act of desperation and loneliness. I admire and respect some of the practitioners. But that is as people. Not as leaders of a religion or philosophy I wish to follow. In fact the concept of Karma does not resonate with me at all, and is way way way too close to the notion of Sin for me. That's probably why it doesn't resonate with me. The Catholicism that was shoved down my throat is triggered and I freeze & prickle. When I follow the meditation teachers that I follow, it is because I am yearning for their friendship and sense of community & connection but I actually disagree, and would criticise some of their advice given the chance with a lot of the practices that they sell to very vulnerable, traumatised and unwell people. Desperate people, actually. And I can relate to their desperation. But I still think for myself. 

You have come so far @Hope4me! And you have done so much of that on your own, without a grounding presence of a female or male elder such as a wise old parent that has always had your back, or an adoring partner. I'm so proud of you!!!!

It's just that I have to balance my hope with realism. If I stop being realistic I can actually perpetuate harm to myself. I know I have come a long way from rocking up to the emergency department at one of Sydney's busiest hospitals in the depths of psychosis and being placed in a locked ward to.........now. I remember my Dr telling me it will take you a good 18 months to recover from this, and I just wanted to reach over and slap him. It was my time now. I'd just sacrificed 4 years of holding my mother up from her own psychosis and trauma to help her through my father's suicide, I was not going down the Rabbit hole to sit with all of the mess done to me. 

Well.....life had another idea. So I am in no way healed @Hope4me. I know that I do have much much more insight and have stabilised to a certain degree. I would absolutely love to say that it was a once off Psychotic-Breakfree or a Psychotic-Breakthrough given my trauma surfacing so dramatically. I remember the the Docs said to me, "This is the breakdown you had to have". Again, I wanted to slap them. So I am trying to listen to them in the sense to give myself some mercy. Be patient and kind to myself. Which is very hard some days. 

I'm a work in progress @Hope4me!!! I am doing my best. I'm not perfect with nutrition and exercise, but I'm not too terrible either. I was terrible for the first 25 years of my life, so I have a very dodgey GI, but maybe I can improve it a bit with time. 

@Dark_Olena, I have tried to find your first ever post so that I could get a sense of your story, and I couldn't navigate the technology so well. But thank you for your empathy and support it means a lot. Sometimes I read back what I have written, and I am like oh my god people must think me nuts, the online world doesn't show faces and inflection in tone, and we post at our rawest and most ugliest moments sometimes. I've posted on here in the Carer's section that I hate my mother. I remember telling my psychologist at the time my most shameful emotion, and it was, that I have flashes of hate inside me towards my mother. Awful and shameful I know, and hard to admit, but it was one of the first steps I made to actually acknowledging my own inner expereinces. Where as before, all I thought about was other people's inner turmoil. My father would have it no other way, and I was punsihed if he wasn't put first................... But regardless of your story, big hugs to you @Dark_Olena.

@Appleblossom, my god you have had so much to contend with. I can really relate to your fear of, OMG, OMG OMG look at my family, will I end up like them, it's all %150 inheritable. I am so so so scared.......and whatayaknow..........I did.  What can ya do? I just have to roll with it the best I can. 

Cornflour 

[Appleblossom]

There is such ambivalence and uncertainty about family members with mental illness, weariness and concern, anger and shock, so many major feelings to come to terms with.

I am glad things were not too chaotic.  Take Care @Corny

[Appleblossom]

[Corny]

Hey @Appleblossom, 

I completely understand the ambivalence and mixed emotions. I think that is what is at the crux of all of my problems. The light and the shade, the love and the hate, the wanting to protect them but wanting my own life. You don't have to edit yourself @Appleblossom just because I have a complex mental illness. I have been on the other side and it is completely different and absolutely bewildering to cope with. I won't be offended. Despite my own mental illness I have days when I see my Mum and all I want to do is run. Bolt for the hills. I'm a horrible daughter aren't I.

But for me, what drives me nuts, and drives my siblings absolutely nuts, is my mother the wife. Not Mum the person, that has to carry the world's most stigmatised MI. She is a very gentle person, and intrinsically chilled out. Very easy to please and doesn't have an entitled bone in her body. I have very deep love and empathy for my poor old Mum, and I know I will go through some depression when she passes, it's been a long journey. But Mum and Dads relationship was the textbook abusive classic - of the Empath/Narcissist relationship. These types of relationships are everywhere. And I am telling you now they are like drugs. The people in them are on drugs, and they feel absolutely Lost At Sea without them. The abuse of the narcissist is their organising structure, their entire identity is wrapped up in them. And Mum is lost without his abusive structure. She feels utterly bereft because a narcissist makes you feel needed. And we all like to feel needed. It is just the most messed up, screwed up dynamic, but a very common one us kids found ourselves in. I never want to end up like that. I'm sure I'm a risk.

So, it is my mother the wife that brings my anger to the surface because she never protected us and she evangelises our father. We locked horns yesterday. She just suffocates me. Some of my mates say, that's because she's weakened by her MI, she doesn't really idolise your father, but it's not. How I know this is that her siblings are MI free and are exactly the same. They evangelised my grandfather, are very emotionally aloof, detached and turn the other cheek. They have never even given me one hug and asked if I was Ok or shown any ounce of passionate outrage at my perpetrators or the domestic abuse we all endured. The whole family are just the complete opposite to me. My auntie said that we opened our grandparents hearts, that even from a very young age we would literally kick their bedroom door down so we could jump into the big bed for cuddles. It was just the most bizarre experience to be a naturally affectionate person, raised amongst adults who are not. I wake up sometimes thinking where did I park my spaceship. I just don't have any sense of belonging. 

But the older I get, I know that nothing will ever change. Mum isn't capable of it. And that has nothing to do with her MI, it's about Mum the relator. She reveres domineering men and always has. I took a phone call from a mate in a very similar situation yesterday, and she said I just have to talk to someone that gets the anger and rage that rushes through your heart some days watching your mother choose her husband over her kids and throw them under the bus into a pool of trauma and neglect. Her Mum has zero mental illness. My mates blood was boiling over this Christmas period, but I said there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. She is under his spell and has taken Narc Drugs. They are more addictive than ice, she will never love you as much as she loves him, she would be utterly lost without him and will go running back. And it's true. She never will. She said the only way I can deal with it is to stay away. And I said that's right. Stay away,  grieve the loss if you can and try and connect & bond with others, that's all you can do. 

Some of us just miss out on parental love. 

Corn Crispy Creme

[Appleblossom]

Most people want to bolt for the hills at some time @Corny

The air seems better up there!

Not a horrible daughter. Most children start off affectionate if given half a chance.

Things were so complicated and your mum clings to positive memories about him to ease the loss, even if it does not make sense. I can guess there were tricky dynamics for you as a child, without having to cope with abuse.

It can help to prepare ones inner self for loss.   It will always hit when it happens, but not quite as hard. 

I can relate a lot, though also many things in my family were different, the mother stronger, the father pushed out til he died. I loved them both and there were good things in both of them.  She did not grieve much for him, but did idealise my brother after he died. 

I am a bit brain fried today and this stuff is deep.  Talk later.

[Corny]

Thanks @Appleblossom,

I know that most people wanna bolt for the hills at some point. We're all human and we all have our limits. I was just a little girl.

My sibs and I were very socially isolated. Our father made sure of it. Back in those days no one even considered that children may be doing the work of parents, and a role reversal was going on. I had a teacher tell me that I didn't know what hard is. And I should go to western Sydney to truly find out. I don't even think that the concept of 'age appropriate responsibility' had been born yet.

You're a very strong person @Appleblossom. Because despite everything I have been through I can't do this - It can help to prepare ones inner self for loss.

Loss, hurt and heartbreak just stings so bad.

I know I am much more accepting of death, than I was 10 years ago, and Mum talks to me about hers. She has said she's had her life and she's old. I would be weary too if I was her, living with that condition for over 55 years. I don't blame her. 

Hope that things in your house are too stressful at the mo

Corny 

[Appleblossom]

I did not mean to be callous

 @Corny

Even just knowing that someone is getting old and their time is limited, seems to help, prepare the mind, rather than it being sudden.

I am sensitive, but found resilience, even through years of struggle.

Last week was worse. This week is better so far.

[Corny]

Oh gosh @Appleblossom, no need to explain. Totally understand the roller coaster of emotions you feel.

I understand.

Some days. Bleak and dark.

Some days. Hopeful.

Some days so wearied by the Bleak-Dark-Hopeful yo-yo that you just want to run or go on a holiday for a week and not tell anyone where ya are!.

Corny xx