Lived Experience Forum

[psychotic]

I am struggling with what is real and what isn't. I have been extremely stressed and life feels very overwhelming. I realized I would drink to feel normal and to be tolerable for other people to be around. Now I'm 2 months sober and not on any antipsychotic medication.<br>I'm remembering a lot. Old feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are coming back. <br>I started having the exact hallucination I had 6 years ago. I thought federal agents were doing surveillance on me (given they did come and raid my apartment at that time and a neighbor confirmed that with me), I thought a gang was trying to recruit me, they would come to my house, try to break in, put spyware on my phone, changed my wifi password, talk about me during phone calls, one time they left a crushed up Coke can in front of the front door, left an end to a black and mild in front of my front door another time, one guy would talk with me at the front door (he came over 3 times every few days). <br>Now I've felt like this gang and associated gangs have been following me when I'm walking, on the bus, put spyware on my phone (I hear people talking about me to each other on a few phone calls, static, like there's weak signal, the person I'm talking to voices is distorted to where I can't understand them or like they are talking quietly, my wifi password got changed even after doing two factory resets on my phone), I thought it was them or the Feds in my apartment a week or so ago and I stayed outside for literally 5 hours because I thought they were going to end me with the sharp weapons or cords around the apartment or the Feds were going to arrest me. One day I stayed upstairs for 4 hours, not moving because I heard a woman say my name and say that I was here then the doorbell rang a few times. I grabbed all my food and camped out in my room. With a spoon, cutter, plate, can opener, sponge and bottle of dish soap. I keep hearing the doorbell, knocking on the window and door, someone trying to force my sliding glass door open, I'm getting spam texts, I feel like other people know what I'm thinking, I feel other people give me signs and messages from my higher power because he works through people. And the gang members came and were talking about me and to me through my window. <br><br>When I look at stuff I see it but over it there are a bunch of lines, colors and patterns and it's really bugging me to read my phone. This is usually normal for me but it's bad now. <br><br>I feel hopeless that I will be able to live life without some form of meditation or daily drinking. I don't want either and I don't want to feel this way. It's lonely, people don't trust what you say, I don't trust me, I feel uncomfortable around people I just stay away. They seem to feel uncomfortable around me and then I feel uncomfortable so it's a battle. <br><br>I don't want to be on antipsychotic medication because I feel stupid on it, I sleep too long and too deep, life seems mundane. Blah blah blah. I also wonder if I wasn't on a high enough dose this last time. <br><br>If you can relate, how did you cope with it? Did you find antipsychotic medication helped? Did you ever find hope for a not so lonely life?

[greenpea]

@psychotic Hi psychotic and welcome to the forums. I hear what you are saying and I am sorry that life is being so hard on you at the moment. Have you got good people around you like good family and friends that you can trust and talk to when you are feeling so alone and afraid. I understand why you would not want to be on medication but have you go a good psychologist and psychiatrist to talk with who understand your needs and worries.

I too when I was really psychotic felt there were bugs in my house, on my computer in my car etc. there was an amazing amount of things when I look back at it that were going haywire in my mind which the medication has pushed aside for me (some of which I miss).

Don't worry there are some really great, understanding people here on the forums who are more than willing to just listen if you wish. You will never be alone here. green pea

[psychotic]

I don't trust family or friends. My counselor I trust somewhat.

How did you know the bugs were gone?

Thank you. I am going to repost my question.

Thank you

[greenpea]

@psychotic Hi psychotic that is a very good question about the bugs. The medication cleared my mind to make me think more logically. Just hang in there . You have made a great start by questioning your thoughts that is the first step in getting better 🙂

[Queenie]

Hey there @psychotic, sorry to read about these distressing experiences, they are obviously ruling your life at the moment and getting in the way of you living a fulfilling life. 

I hear too what you are saying about the antipsychotic medication. I take it myself and hate the brain fog and sedation which comes with it. I still take it, however, mostly because I clearly remember the life I had before medication. I was living a life ruled by paranoia and delusions. Luckily for me, I found a psychiatrist I could trust and I told him every single thought in my head no matter how far-fetched (I realise now) it seemed. He ultimately left the choice for medication up to me, but he reiterated I didn't need to live a life like that. I could return to my former life (I had a successful career in health). Although I did end up quitting my job, I am working on returning to the health industry... as a mental health social worker. I could not have done that without a lot of therapy as well as medication. 

Seeing a counsellor or psychologist you trust is the first step in my book (other than reaching out here on the forums). Hopefully this mental health professional will work with you on reality checking techniques, where you can debunk any false beliefs you might be holding onto. I did this and found I still do it today to some extent, when some of my illness flares up a little.

Regarding the bugs, I used to believe my phone was tapped by the government (and my computer). I also believed I was part of a government experiment and to spy on me further, I was 'destined' for a government position (which I had). After learning about reality checking with a psychologist who had experience in psychosis, I was able to see that these could possibly be false beliefs. After this medication was introduced to help me think clearer and discover that they were indeed delusions. They were so ingrained they ruled my life (along with hallucinations). 

I was at first diagnosed with schizophrenia, but then after a manic episode, was changed to schizoaffective disorder. We can't diagnose you here on the forums, but having a counsellor or psychologist and a doctor you can trust can really help put these scary experiences to rest.