Depression

[destructive]

just Wondering if anyone had this and how to get through it. Usually I'm full of anxiety and I think that's why I've mostly been able to outwardly function even if I'm on the brink. But at the moment that's flipped and I feel depressed more so. It worries me more because I've had bad thoughts my whole life but with anxiety I am too scared about letting on I'm not good.. still am I guess with this but feel like I have less energy to control. I also have a dissociative disorder I guess and I feel far more disconnected when I'm like this which is bad because I'm a parent and that does not work well together.

I don't know why it's changed. Maybe exhaustion. I don't know. Does anyone know, have experienced this shift and how'd you get through. 

[89632523]

Hey, I can't offer any advice, but I am going through something somewhat similar.

I also dissociate and I'm going through an unusually rough depressive episode that's been hard to shake and really hard to hide.

Usually I can get through bad periods and function fine and no one picks up on it, but it's scary when it's really difficult (or impossible) to do daily tasks, focus, and communicate.

What I'm doing now is seeing my psychologist weekly and waiting to get in to see my GP and look into what my other options are. 

I'm sorry I can't offer you more help; this must be exceptionally difficult to get through especially with children in your care. 

[destructive]

Content/trigger warning

@89632523 sorry you are going through similar. I wonder if not being able to access help is contributing. I don't know as it's a bit chicken and egg but I've been thinking/feeling like what's the point. I only get to see my psychologist like once a month on average and it feels like it takes the whole appointment for me just to remember where I'm at and then if something is asked or said I'm left with it by myself. I feel like I've tried so hard for so long and nothing ever changes.

[Glisten]

👋🏼@destructive @89632523 the only things that continue to work for me is a GP that listens to me and has treated me for 20 years and SLEEP.
Finding medication that works for me and SLEEP.

Sauna and sleep.

Feeling safe and sleeping.

Did I mention a solid 9 hours sleep?

[destructive]

Thanks @Glisten 

I have a good gp but also hard to get in to. And sleep is also lacking and definitely doesn't help but unavoidable due to having two little ones

And I feel like I never feel safe, even though I externally am.

[89632523]

I'm in the same boat as @destructive, I have a great GP but the wait times to get in are ridiculous. It's really hard to hang in there without knowing what you can do in the meantime. And it's demotivating calling up every day to check if there's a cancellation and there never is one.

Everyone always says sleep, but my sleep has always been really good. My energy is definitely worse the next day when I oversleep though (9 hours would definitely be too much for me!) 

[89632523]

Not being able to access help is a major contributor for me, especially when I actually want help and I'm actively trying to get it and I can't. It definitely exacerbates things.

Even once a week with my psychologist feels hard to keep track of and like it's not enough; once a month must be so tough for you. It never feels like there's enough time in the session either.

I absolutely relate to feeling like you've been trying so hard forever with no improvement. I try to remember that life CAN be fun and fulfilling and joyous, and just try desperately to hold on until I can get there. The system is underfunded, fragmented, and just broken all round. It's not fair that we have to suffer the consequences of it.

[destructive]

@@I'm not sure I know how to hold onto that when I've felt like this so long. Not long ago I realised I've been struggling with self harm for 20 years this year. 

I feel like my functioning is used against me. Like not intentionally but support and concern appear to be measured by this often. Just because I can do the daily things doesn't mean I'm struggling inside any less that someone who can't. Maybe they'd argue different. I don't know. I often just wish I could be catatonic and someone could come care for me. Instead I mow the lawn but secretly stop 6 times because I feel like a tonne of bricks and 3 times because I'm teary with the overwhelming hardness of it all. hThanks for listening.. sorry if it's bothersome @Glisten @89632523 

[Glisten]

@destructive this is YOU never, ever have to apologise.

This is YOUR place.

You don’t deserve what’s been dished out to you.

You are 💯% correct. Doctors, neighbours, friends etc, if you’re not a hysterical mess, then they think you’re ok.

Two years ago, I would have been better off being in a MH facility.

[Louie333]

@destructive I am just coming back from almost exactly what you are going through. 

I have never experienced such intense depression. As a parent, I felt intense shame and fear of being open with people about just how bad the places my mind was going to were.

What felt frightening was not realising or believing the intensity of what felt like a free fall spiral downwards would ease. Whist not linear, (bad days here and there), functionality and being able to be present with my children is returning.

I don't know how old your children are. For me it was possible to tell them in very child appropriate words that I was going through a difficult time and that I was going to be alright yet understood I may not seem myself. 

I organised someone else to do the school run and sometimes cooking. I let go anything but basic cleaning, laundry. I started taking medication after speaking to my doctor. I I called crisis lines and also Sane, who I found really helpful. All conversations were out of earshot of my children. Sometimes I needed this support multiple times a day, a few of those crisis calls were profoundly helpful in getting through what felt impossible.I now am seeing a Psychologist. 

I am trying to say, if you feel you can't talk to people around you, really reach out to every other form of help you can until you can feel able to put in longer term supports. 

For three months I was disconnected, I made sure my children knew they were loved because that was about all I could do. Now, this past two weeks, I find myself laughing with the children, engaging once more. I really want you to know I understand and sit with you knowing how difficult this is. 

It is not your fault at all, it certainly doesn't make you a bad parent.