11-06-2019 10:42 AM
I am so glad you people are interacting with info from these two threads and yes - @BlueBay - time to give your inner child a hug
We all still have that inner child - they can work well for us when we are anticipating Christmas etc - but we give them a hard time sometimes - they must be the point where we start loving ourselves
It's really interesting that we can hate that inner child - and sad -
Remember - I think our parents were imperfect - they most likely did the best they could - some failed and some failed miserably but so do we - it is a great relief to forgive people - it lightens our load a great deal -
And we don't have to forget the parts that are so painful - we just need to accept them
I wish I could explain this better - perhaps someone else can
11-06-2019 11:29 AM
I've read everyone's responses here, so insightful on many levels.
Personally I have no childhood memories at all. Some are coming through in fragmented forms. I was told I was the perfect child, meaning I caused no trouble. Always kind thoughtful, caring. Everything everyone wanted. Unfortunately I became invisible, a form of protection.
I'm finding it hard to stop behaving in the same ways today. Moving out of survival mode is challenging.
I functioned on auto pilot til 3 years ago. Numb. Survival mode. Then the volcano irrupted, feelings entered my life, flooded it really. I'm still trying to identify what it is that I'm feeling at certain moments. Yesterday I read and re read the difference between anger and frustration. Somehow it's not registering.
The red written Mother hate is a flashing light for me. Love was nowhere to be found. Today I can't even mention the word, choosing anything to replace it.
I have to move on to some house work. Survival mode !!!!!!!
11-06-2019 12:25 PM
Thanks for your contribution @Maggie - it has helped me to move onto the next thought which is People Pleasing and I think the perfect child you were might lead to that
I was anything but - I was a pain in the tail but to this day can't figure my mother out but really - at this stage of my life - I don't really need to
We all please other people at times - socially it's a form of gainiing acceptance but we also need to recognize what we are about and speak out when appropriate - I hope some discussion on this would be really great
The difference between anger and frustration - frustration would be a stage of anger-development I think - and I read most of the article on anger - I need to go back to that and read more deeply
But anger is natural - we are taught that it's bad and wrong but I have been an angry person in my past - still can get narky if pushed - but anger also helps us to achieve our goals - it's either good or bad - something to think about
We are all into self-survival - after all - if we were on the Titanic can we imagine what we would be doing to get into the life-boats - I have brought this analogy up before
12-06-2019 11:37 AM
My idea for
Self-love and self-talk
Do we ever listen to someone else as well as we listen to ourselves?
That inner voice can be so rough and tough on us - every day - telling us we are not good enough, we are damaged goods, everything is our fault - even that we are a mistake - this is so hard to endure at times
Why is that? I do have an idea but I would love to hear other people
However I think that little children make mistakes and so easily take on a voice that condemns them for the errors in a life that is so new and so innocent that it is bound to slip up, forget or be clumsy
Alas we carry these voices into our adult life and they are so invasive and so wrong -
When it comes to self-talk I do believe we can change what we are saying to ourselves - we can say - "That was mistake but I have learned better, I won't do that again"
Or - "I was wrong about that - I will think before I make that call again"
We can adjust our internal dialogue - we can disconnect the voices of our past - we can learn not to listen or if we do - we can ask how those long-ago comments have affected us
I would love to hear what other people think about self-talk and how this affects us
12-06-2019 01:58 PM
very interesting @Dec
I believe we can change what we are saying to ourselves too but sometimes it still catches me from time to time over the years
espially when I say something and my voice will tell me that i have done it now , they ae going o leave me or they won`t like me anymore
12-06-2019 03:16 PM
@Dec I have a lot of trouble with internal dialogue. But when I can, I choose to believe someone's voice I respect, often with relief.
I wonder if the harsh parental voice is worse than any other? A genuine question. Is it that we relied so heavily on parents to survive, we could never blame them for wrong doing, just blame ourselves, until we get old enough to look back and see where the fault line actually was. No parent is perfect, it's a difficult position for everyone. But some parents, ( my parents) , brought their damage and made it mine. Not meaning to load them up with blame, not letting them off the hook either. A double load of baggage is a heavy weight to carry throughout life.
12-06-2019 03:42 PM
Good thread @Dec 🥰
I don’t know what self love is.
Often I hate myself and mostly, I don’t like myself.
I know I’m not a bad person, but because of years of sa and being used by family, I feel like I have absolutely nothing to give.
Drained totally and I honestly don’t know how to get on top.
Feeling so alone.
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