Lived Experience Forum

[Scribbles]

Hi there,

This is my first post on here. I have been meaning to start contributing for a while now, but have felt daunted by all the things going on and want to share. So I thought I'd start with the most urgent and important one.

I'm in my early 20's. I have depression, anxiety isssues, borderline personality disorder & I also use drugs. Drug use amplifying all the other issues I have.

I have no job, unsuitable accomodation with my grandparents and my dad, have never been so mentally unwell in my life and have so much pressure from others to abort the baby.

I was in a relationship with a man who quite severly physically assulted me. After he had done this, 1 week later I discovered I had fallen pregnant to him. I am now 12 weeks pregnant and I still am unable to firmly descide. And I am running out of time to do so.

There is no way the child would have the father involved in it's life under any circumstances as he is too dangerous and manipulative and will never provide as a good partner or parent.

I know that it logically sounds like a responsible choice considering my circumstances. But the tests results and ultrasounds are all normal and healthy. I heart it's heartbeat at the doctors yesterday 😞 It just feels that I'll be killing it for no reason and then my life will just be back to nothing anyway.

I did a no-show at the hospital appointment to have the termintion and it is now rebooked for early next week. I still feel that I will not be comfortable with going through with it.

I am unlikely to bounce back emotionaly very well. I feel like I might as well just take us both down if I terminate 😞

Each option is based on " what if this? " and " what if that?". What if I fail and struggle forever as a single mum? What if I continue and have a beautiful child who I will love and everything will be okay? What if I terminate and put myself at risk of harm even more?

[Stroppy]

You need to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist FAST.  The hospital you are going to might have access to clinical guidance services covered by Medicare or free.  I Goggled this for you...they might help:

http://www.mindhealthconnect.org.au/low-cost-or-free-mental-health-services

You need to talk through all your issues before you make a decision as big as termination or continuation of a pregnancy.  You have described a very bad set of living circumstances and I feel for you.  You really must seek help now rather than later.  This forum is one way of venting your issues but you need face-to-face contact with a mental health service.  Please talk to a professional.

[Scribbles]

Thank you for providing the link for me.

I have had consultation with the Pregnancy Advisory Service at the Royal Women's Hospital. On that day I was feeling confident in choosing a termination.
I fluctuate daily going from "I'm having the baby!" to "No way am I having the baby". My parents have conflicting views and have been pretty disappointing in how they are chosing to support me.

[Stroppy]

You need to sit down and write down the pros and cons for either continuation or termination. Show this to an experienced pregnancy counselor and then make your final decision. I wish you luck...hang in there. Your parents are offering opinions...they may be valid or not however you need to turn to an experienced professional to make that final decision.

[marchhare]

Hi Scribbles, It is Marchhare here.I am one of the forum moderators.

Welcome to the forums. You are going through a very difficult time. I will add to the excellent advice from Stroppy and suggest perhaps you should also contact Pregancy Counselling Australia. They offer free confidentail, compasionate advice and they have a 24 hour helpline. The number is 1300 737 732.

Take care

[Scribbles]

Thank you. I will call them. It's so great to have services that are 24/7. It can be frustrating to have to wait until business hours sometimes

[Former-Member]

Hi @Scribbles, yes this is a difficult time for you and thinking clear enough to make a decision under your circumstances would be near impossible. You can talk to the Best 'counsellor' or advisary service there is but the final decision needs to be yours. Youre the one who has to live with this forever.

As a fellow suffer of the same MI as you i so understand your concerns. I've been in your shoes twice but had two beautifil children. Lost one at 13 to asthma but my oldest is still going strong - a wonderful 'quality human being' people say good things about, and as a bonus he finished uni, earning a good wage and going great. BUT, I got lots of therapy and didn't do drugs.

I think its wise you don't even tell the father (the involuntary sprm doner), that the pregnancy exists - they are the ones that make the process 'hell' - not the baby (in my experience).

With our BPD diagnosis its so difficult to have a 'concept of self' - our own values, knowing what's important, who we are, what we want... Without good therapy there remains a disconnect - our brains just can't join the dots (because of the MI or disfunction) and we can make so many self sabotage decisions one after the other.

You know you gotta clean up your life - you gotta get on that road anyway for yourself, to have a better future, with or without children. All things considered - I say you're gonna have to GO WITH YOUR HEART... ... You think you don't know what that is but you already said it above "I heard it's heartbeat at the doctors yesterday, it just feels that I'll be killing it for no reason and then my life will just be back to nothing anyway. I did a no-show at the hospital" There it is girl, thats your answer Scribbles. It won't be easy but it will be worth it, especially if you get some long term psychological support and make some lifestyle changes for the better. You have it within you I sense it, trust yourself, be true to you. Big hug.

Maybe get away somewhere peaceful for a couple of days and let your mind focus on other things, like nature, still your soul and the strength you need will come to you. Be still a lityle while, rested, before you take your next step. Big hugzz xox

[Scribbles]

I have cancelled the procedure that was booked for Tuesday as I am still just as unsure as I was the first booking.

I figure that as I am at 12 weeks, that I may as well get the first trimester comprehensive screening tests done.
This will give me even more clarity as to what I should do as opposed to not getting these tests done then wondering when it is too late. I guess I'm just searching for something to give me a reason.

I have also made a booking to get into the drug rehabilitation program at the women's hospital assuming I keep it. Either way I will be going to rehab.

I have been reading stories from former abortion surgeons and what made them quit.
I have been reading stories of young mothers who have had an abortion and how they were pressured, misled and have never recovered.

In my heart I believe that I am going to be keeping bub. Or I will forever be on some silly mission to reach some status of "readiness" to compensate for the reasons as to not have this one. But my life will be never be perfect enough.

I keep on thinking "But why? Why can't I have a child?"

[Appleblossom]

 @Scribbles

[Former-Member]

Proud of you @Scribbles xox