Lived Experience Forum

[Anxious_Mumma]

I have been battling depression and anxiety since i was a teenager.

I have been with my husband for 16 and the last couple of years have been hard.

I dont feel up to being intimate due to many reasons and this has lead to some marital difficulties. We ended up in counselling and that helped for a while.

I understand that he wants to be intimate but i just feel numb and he didnt really understand.

Now he gets his intimacy from other means and although I say im fine with it, as he stops asking me, but now if I just feel useless. Like im a house mate or just his live in maid as i do everything for the kids and all the housework and he doesnt help at all.

I just feel useless and a failure as a wife and person  

[tyme]

Good Evening @Anxious_Mumma ,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for trusting us enough to share what is currently happening for you.

Seeing as depression and anxiety has been ongoing for a number of years now, have you been able to speak to a professional about it?

I hear you have attended counselling to support the marriage, however, in terms of your own mental health, do you have any supports?

Existing to feel like a house maid in your own home can be quite discouraging. I look forward to hearing from you.

Take care, 

tyme

[Anxious_Mumma]

Thank you Tyme.

In terms of my own mental health, really just riding the rollercoaster on my own with the help of medication only.

I dont have the time nor the money to see a therapist for myself but i know i need to.

[tyme]

You can have a look at our Guided Service to see if you are eligible @Anxious_Mumma . 

https://www.sane.org/referral

Have a read to see if this is something that might help you in the interim. These peer support/counselling sessions can also be after hours (up to 10pm).

All the best.

I hope other members may be able to offer their insights into what is happening for you, and you'll feel a sense of connection and belonging.

Take care, tyme

[willowmaker]

@Anxious_Mumma are hugs allowed?  My wife and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for years now.  I'm still fully functional in all areas of intimacy however respect my wife's wishes and have come to understand her reasons.  MS.  All I require is the odd hug and a little peck on the cheek (always me giving them) and on occasion I will steal a kiss real quick in a joking manner but we have learned to live with it.  

Despite what we are taught to beleive the world does not end when we stop having sex.  Some of my friends to this day still pass on their condolences but this is not something easily understood but more so experienced. 

My wife's condition has resultant in depression but she copes well enough looking after the family and seeing a family therapist.   

Whilst the dynamics pertaining to reason for lack of desire when it comes to intimacy may differ from couple to couple, there is just so much more to making a relationships work other than just touching.  Super hard for a touchy feely guy like me. There are other ways to connect but moreover a level of understanding to one's loss of desire first needs to be respected but also perhaps some level of explanation/investigation laid out on the table for both parties to better see.

I'm sorry your feeling this way.  Your not useless whatsoever but understand why you might be feeling that way if your wishes are not being respected.  You should not feel guilty in the slightest.

Ask him what is more important - His family OR what's between his legs?  In the end that question did it for me.  16 years is a long time - but don't allow that to dictate feeling useless just because hubby is still caught up with himself.  Our culture does not help ... but I am sure you have your reasons and that should be good enough.   

[Anxious_Mumma]

Hugs and kisses are still allowed and happen. We still sleep in the same bed/room.

I just do not have the sexual desire anymore and feel like i could go without it for the rest of my life.

That is where the issues lies. He cannot. I agreed that he could get it from other means so he stops asking me and making me feel horrible for saying no.

But i feel like a husk, hollow. All i go is work, look after the kids and house. I have no passions, no hobbies

[tyme]

I appreciate what @willowmaker has shared @Anxious_Mumma . Relationships are not just about sex.

On the other hand, I am mindful that you have that 'hollow' feeling. This is more what I'm worried about because I have also experienced this feeling in the past. For a long time, I felt the blues, was ruled by the greyness and darkness of the world. It took a lot to get out of it. 

You are worth it. You are not useless. I hope you will be able to speak to someone (a professional?) about how you have been feeling lately. 

Do you see family or friends much?

[Anxious_Mumma]

I do need to organise the professional help.

I dont really have any friends and all my family lives over an hour away. So pretty much on my own.

[tyme]

Having that professional help may be helpful - even if it's just a third person's perspective of things @Anxious_Mumma .

Some people find confiding in family and friends helpful, while others prefer speaking to people outside their circle of family and friends. 

With supports in place, you may find yourself not only surviving but thriving in life. As for now, kindness is key. 

I hear you don't feel you have any hobbies or interests, however, would watching something on telly help you get through the rest of the day?

With kindness, tyme

[Anxious_Mumma]

I can try that. Wont be until after the kids are bathed, the dishes are done and then I have to tidy up the house.

Thank you for all your help Tyme and others.