Lived Experience Forum

[Kermit]

Hi all,

I'm autistic and have anxiety that varies a lot and that is pretty high in social situations.

A long-standing neurotypical friend has made at least one comment of "are you going to freak out?" when we meet. Initially, I've been shocked, felt uncomfortable and not said anything.

Ages after one event, I sent an email drafted with the help of my psychologist explaining my autism and feelings about the comment. The delay was due to thinking about it and psychology appointment timing. Her reply was along the lines of I would never intend to hurt to and the comment was supposed to be humorous to make me feel more comfortable. I replied I didn't find it funny. This is the first time I've tried something like this so I guess it's progress.

I saw her in person last night. After reinforcing how long we'd been friends, she was clearly annoyed by the email method and delay (plus her brother was being diagnosed with blood cancer at the time of the original email) saying this at the station before leaving pretty abruptly. She did acknowledge I see things differently but I felt a bit oversensitive in response to her  comments along the line "people say s*it all the time and it's one comment". I pretty much froze during what she said, apart from saying I think about things after they happen.

I can see why she's annoyed at the delay and the email - even though email is a better way for me to communicate.

In summary, I feel I've agreed to ring her up when she says "something s*it"  close to the time it occurs.

Two questions please as I feel I'm being too literal

1 What does I never intend to hurt you really mean? I've also had this comment from my brother and I feel I'm missing something here.

2 If you tell someone their comments are not ok for you, isn't that a message to them they should refrain from making those type of comments so it's not up to me to have to tell them when their comments are s*it. Plus this is a form of a boundary, isn't it?

[Lyra_reachout]

Hi Kermit

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

I think, "I never intend to hurt you" can mean 'I didn't use those words on purpose to be mean.' 

It can also mean 'I didn't understand that those words would be hurtful,' and, 'I'm sorry.'

But sometimes i think people say "i never intend to hurt you'  as a way to protect themselves. 

For example, if I said something I thought was a joke, but then my friend felt hurt and told me that what I said offended them, then I might feel defensive. I might feel a bit hurt or rejected inside, because it seems like my friend criticised me, and I don't like how that feels.

So I might say, "i never intended to hurt you,' instead of saying 'sorry.' because I don't like feeling like I did something wrong.

---

Also, I really relate to needing to take time to process thoughts and feelings. and i believe it's okay to take the time you need. But i do find it hard in friendships and relationships. because other people like to know straight away. But I can't always tell them what the matter is, straight away. Because I just have a feeling that something isn't. quite right, but I haven't figured it out yet.

So what I try to do sometimes, is just say 'i need time to think about it' or 'i don't know how I feel about that' , and try to let people know that I might want to talk about it more in the future. 

Just because it takes you a while to express something clearly, doesn't make it invalid. I believe you're allowed to take the time you need.

That's what i believe for myself, anyway. 

Best wishes!!

[Srizar]

Well said..thats so true. 

I also need time to process things because I sometimes need to work out why I am feeling the way I do. Sometimes its do blatant that I know why its upset me but not always. 

I think your friend doesnt get it...and is feeling hurt by your response. Perhaps you need to show her your post and ask her if thats how she is feeling,  because odds on, she really doesnt get your response to her comments and may feel you are just over sensitive...but an honest constructive discussion without any finger pointing (and thats harder than it sounds) may clear the air. If it doesn't, then maybe you should pull away from her if she persists in not trying to modify her responses to you. Good luck.

[Kermit]

Thanks to you both, I now have a more nuanced idea of what might be happening for my friend and with her response.

I think my main thing to work through now is how much time and effort I want to invest in this. Plus the potential costs and benefits to myself if I do follow up.

While we've known each other for over 25 years, we only see each other very very sporadically (even before the "freak out" comment) and have very little knowledge of each other's day to day lives. 

My gut instinct is I'm glad I tried saying something because I haven't done something like that before, maybe next time will be easier and I've changed a lot over 25+ years.

I don't feel there's a space to test any questions we each have of each other about what's happened from what I've seen, or even openness to do so (and that's for both of us). And I'm extremely reluctant to put myself out there in that way again as I feel kind of dismissed and don't want to feel vulnerable.

I think the friendship status could be blurry but maybe that's how some things are .