11-08-2019 07:56 PM
LoL wondered if that was it @Darcy
11-08-2019 08:09 PM
@Determined Hey Determined, I came to the forum with the same issue of supporting my wife with BPD. For me she hasn’t received the diagnosis but I’ve seen the psychological schemas and put them into the DSM 5 and know it’s BPD. Read up on it and all the symptoms match. Kind of a relief. Always thought it was depression but never went away. Similar story diagnosed with depression, went on meds had a bad experience and never went back on them. Never diagnosed with BPD. Always lied to the psychs as admitted 2 months ago. Finally she sort out a psych and started her journey.
Seemed to escalate after our first was born 4 years ago. I put that down to post natal depression. The first time she left (15 months ago) she framed it as I didn’t provide emotional support. Which was odd as I literally did everything but she withdrew pretty much a week after number 1 was born. Hard to provide emotional support when they ignore you ,blame you and yell and criticise everything you do 😄She came back about 12 weeks later after she thought that I was moving on. We were back together until last week when she left again, this time stating that it is the relationship making her unhappy. I can see the trigger of fear of abandonment combined with being sick for 6 weeks and the SAD’s. trifector. Sighh... Atleast this time she is still going to the psych and from what I’ve read they have to tread carefully else she will get angry at them and stop going. So a waiting game again.
So so I can empathise as I have young kids too (2 and 4). I feel bad to complain and seek help when I read what everyone else goes through. Yep the last 4 years has been shit on me for sure, but I’ve stayed as strong as I could and not judged the blame, criticism, anger, withdraw. It was lucky that I met a good psych myself that has helped me out.
I suppose if I may draw on the forum especially your experience Determined to ask a few questions of caring for someone with BPD.
1. When they become enlightened and accept their diagnosis what happens. Especially in my circumstance where they’ve blamed you for 11 years.
2. From what I’ve read it’s fairly common when they’re triggered to do a runner. This will be my second time now. When they are enlightened do these stop?
3. In this limbo stage whilst she’s moved out I’m reading up as much as I can and working on establishing boundaries with my psych. I’ve said I’ll support her when she has psych appointments by taking the kids. Apart from looking after myself and focusing on the kids is there anything else I should be doing that might help from your experiences?
11-08-2019 08:47 PM
Hi @Hopefulhusband1 and welcome to the forum.
The biggest piece of advice that I can give and wish I had followed much earlier is to get support for yourself. Something it seems as though you are doing through a psyc? I have found this hard as almost everyone I have seen seems to think 6 sessions of mindfulness is all I need what I would find most helpful is a regular catchup with a 'professional' to touch base, debrief and reinforce strategies. Particularly when things are bumpy. Something I realy need to revisit again at the moment.
I will try and answer your questions the best I can.
When they become enlightened
I have not given this much thought in this context...
In our case I'm not sure if enlightened has effectively happened. More accepted a label and used it as an excuse for poor behaviour. I don't want to sound negative or unfairly judgmental in that but it is how I feel unfortunately 😞. I still get blamed for pretty much everything.
My darling has never actually proper left. Other than from a couple of hours to a day of awol. That I think is more about having nowhere to go though. She asked her mum if she could move back home at one stage (was going to leave our boys and I) but thankfully mum had my back and told he to go home.
Adequate support for you and the children
And boundaries. Boundaries has made more positive impact on our family than anything else.
We have only had one significant self harm (an attempt) and yesterday was the first drive off I can remember in 12 - 18 months. Before the boundaries it was almost daily.
Every circumstance is different but I feel my responses (out of fear and concern for wellfare) were fueling some of the behaviours. Boundaries is not something I could hace done alone however. I had the support of a councillor, support here on the forums and the support of a psyc nurse. (Darling was in a private mental health unit when I introduced the boundaries).
For me the biggest thing to focus on has been seperating my darling from the illness that has robbed me of her. Without this I don't think I could put up with the constant abuse.
Hope some of these thoughts have been helpful and not too negative as I am not in the best headspace at the moment.
Feel free to ask any other questions that come up.
There is a link to a thread where I first introduced our boundaries on page 1 of this thread if you have not already seen it ☺
11-08-2019 09:08 PM
Not taking meds = yikes Bro
Gather now is not a good time to suggest minimal drop in dose until she sees pdoc.
Mr Darcy forgot his one pm and was late taking them another day - have since put weekly pill box in a readily accessible place and this is working better.
11-08-2019 09:10 PM
@DeterminedThanks for replying with that advice especially when you are hurting at the moment. It takes a strong person to care for someone with BPD. You are right with separating the illness from the person. It still hurts though, I can empathise. And boundaries are essential to protect yourself, I agree. My psych is pretty good, a bit confronting but that works for me. If you find a good one I think that makes all the difference.
I thank you for the honest answers, it is truly what I need to hear. I know that even with DBT they only learn the trigger, their behaviour to that trigger and how it effects others. I would expect after they’ve done that DBT unless they continue in therapy they will just revert. So yep I expect that I’d also be continued to be blamed forever too 😄.
But in the end you love them and that’s what matters.
Take care mate
11-08-2019 09:44 PM
I will be discussing a slow drop rather than cold turkey at bed time @Darcy . I personally think she was doing much better on an introductory dose anyway but there are therapeutic thresholds that need to be achieved apparently so my observations were dismissed as invalid.
I actually put 1 day meds out each night (as a safety precaution) which makes it easy to keep track of and see when doses have been dropped. It also serves as an easy check for darling when she can't remember if she has taken them or not. In a perfect world she would manage that all herself but unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world. If we did she would not need the meds. I have wanted her to discuss concerns about meds for some time but she wont. And I dont feel comfortable or confident to go in and express concerns as she wont back me up, rather paint me as being overerly dramatic and controlling.
Also noted that she has taken prn this morning which may account for the day of sleep.
11-08-2019 10:01 PM
We were on weekly pick up from chemist and I put them in an am/pm dispenser with days on it @Determined , this has been working well. Old pdoc felt risk reduced and weekly pick up possibly not necessary, will see what happens with new pdoc.
12-08-2019 10:55 AM
Was pleased to hear this morning when I called darling to check in that she was out walking with a friend.
Both that she is actually out of bed and managed the school run but also that she has company.
Everyone was still in bed asleep this morning when I left for work.
15-08-2019 03:10 PM
We had a dietition appointment today,
Big win, just have to see if we can follow through.
I had a referral for myself initally and arranged with GP and appointment for darling to get a referral also. GP initally wondered why we could not both just go off my plan.
ummm. not that will not work as whatever I say we need to do darling will do the opposite.
Well we had our appointment jointly and it went really well, all the things I have been trying to say for ages and have been discounted are now seen as gold and a commitment made to work together on this :-)
Dietition was able to explain things in a way that made it look like less of a task. And was able to apply different concepts specific to darlings concerns far better than I ever could from a medical point of view. And it always helps when it is not me that is saying it lol.
19-08-2019 07:10 PM
How are things in relation to your darling and meds @Determined
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