TW: Abused all my life!!

[I_am_scared]

I am new to this website and I am an older person, that has been recently diagnosed with BPD, which is a huge relief.  I have medical issues too.

TW: Abuse

Content/trigger warning

As a child my mother(yes lower case letter for the m) has abused my all my life with her.  As a child you are helpless.  She made me feel ugly, will never amount to anything.  That I was worthless.  That is so damaging to a child.  A child wants to please their mum, me I did what she told me to do instantly or would be punished.  I can remember curling up on my bed in a fetal while she layed into me, at that time, did not know I was protecting organs or my face.  I bunched up and cried.  Dad would be at work and never knew any of this had happened.

In fact I can remember things back as a 2 year old with abandonment.  Lots around 6 to 8 years old and stories right throughout my childhood.  I can land you there with a description blow by blow account of what she had done to me.  Like a rerun of a video in my head.  

Whatever a parent does to a child, you are writing on their slate.  They are learning about the world.  I could of gone either way, what if I became an abuser, but I repulsed her so much.  See I had a loving Dad, I was his little girl.  He died when I was 32 and he was 52.  I am now one year old than him.  I clung onto the good side of my Dad vehemently and wanted to become him and not her.

All my life I felt different to others.  But I have say I have a gift.  I can read people.  But I will also have a go at you, if your intentions are not pure.  Walk away and never speak to you again.  There are bad people around us.  Took me a long time with therapy to understand it is their words, do not put them in your mouth.  I trigger a lot too.  If backed into a corner, metaphorically speaking, I will come swinging at you.  

Had a friend once say to me, do not double cross D*****.  Being currently abused by my ex and police called out 3 times, whatever the police told him, he is leaving me alone, which is a good thing.  Trying to find somewhere to live under Government Housing is hard as there is a rental crisis.  I need to live with electricity as meds in fridge and I am on a sleep apnea machine.  I am a very complex human being.  

My emotions can be like Melbourne, 4 seasons in one day or in one hour.  Been told many do not want to hear the diagnosis, I am like yeah, now I know.  I will begin to understand me and can be me.  Got told not to define yourself and I said, No, I embrace it.  I want to know all about it.

Never heard of BPD, Psychologist gave me some reading material and said not all of this is you, I read it and marked off about 70%.  Because I got an STD wart virus in my 20s, that scared me to not sleep around.  I did not sleep around then.  Only ever had serious relationships.  I am 100% clean.  Do not do drugs, gamble, sleep around or drink alcohol.  Got told some BPDs often have one of these traits.  

Right now I am so scared to live on my own.  Even though I cannot live in this house either.  I will have problems to navigate the real world.  I am on an isolated country farm house.  My power I got back, is my phone and the police.  I was too scared for them to come out and wanted to talk to someone, so rang them and hung up on them, then I found out, they can trace you to the house via towers.  

I have had financial abuse, coercion.  I wait my time here, hoping one day to live on my own.  Not interested in having a boyfriend for now, just to discover me.  Plus if I ever did, I would march our butts, to the doctors and both of us get tested lol.  I just want to be alone with me, which is terribly frightening to think about.  Decorate the place my way, walk around naked singing out tune without a care in the world LMAO.  I dream of all of this, while still living in this nightmare.  

So yes, it will be good to talk to like minded people with BPD, in how you navigate this world. 

Thank You for reading this

[Spirit_Healer]

Welcome, @I_am_scared , to the forums!

Thank you for sharing your story so bravely.

You will no doubt find like-minded people here. We all support each other. 

[tyme]

Hey @I_am_scared ,

Thank you for reaching out and welcome to the forums!

Just a quick note, I've added a trigger warning and spoiler tag to parts of your posts so that the community can choose whether they feel up to reading potentially triggering content.

Besides that, I just want to share that I can relate to how you feel. Although our childhood experiences are very different, the emotional dysregulation, emotional turmoil, fear of rejection, impulsive behaviours etc certainly exist.

I was diagnosed with BPD in my late teenagehood. I struggled immensely for many many years. It came to the point where even existing was painful. So each day was just a waiting game... a waiting game to die - and that's not life.

Whilst being most unwell, I was often in hospital. Because this was so frequent, I ended up being case managed. As the same time, I was going through mentalisation based therapy which was in Melbourne - 2 times a week - about 3-4 hours of therapy over 18 months. It was very intensive therapy. It consisted of both individual and group therapy. And as hard as it was, and as long as it was, it was worth it because I am in a much much better place. If anything, I'm in remission and it's very unlikely I'll regress. 

Honestly speaking, life at this moment couldn't be better. Yes I have crappy things happen, but how I engage with the situations and the thoughts have completely changed.

So after about 15 years of utter distress, I can say I'm on top of things and loving it. 

Keep holding on @I_am_scared . I'm here if you have any questions. You are not alone.

[Gremlin24]

@I_am_scaredHello and welcome to the forums. Thankyou for sharing your story and I'm sorry to hear what you have had to endure. I can relate to so much of this and its something no child should have to go through. 

I have also been diagnosed with BPD as well as other mental health issues. I hope you find it to be supportive here and that you can connect with others who have had similar experiences. 

I'm usually around a bit if you ever want to chat. You are not alone here 😊

[tyme]

How are you going today @I_am_scared ? Thinking of you.

[outlander]

hello @I_am_scared and welcome. its nice to meet you.
i also have BPD as a younger person but i also understand the Challanges this comes with. i have also suffered abuse and it can be awful to manage.
do you have any current supports to help you navigate emotions, relationships, fear and to be there for you?

[I_am_scared]

@outlander 

I am still here in the home with my ex.  

The police came out again after he blocked me carrying a box and putting hands on the box.  I have been very fragile, still looking for somewhere else to live.  Not easy in rental crisis or let alone affordability.

My end goal is to help someone else to navigate a very tricky government system and to say I am proof that you can get out, not going to give them advice on how, because that could put them in danger and I am not qualified for that.  Just my experience.  I want to help other victims in DV maybe one day talk to a group, but my BPD would go into overdrive.  First I need to go to something my support worker is calling dialetical meetings, like an AA meeting, Lol

I have very strong Agoraphobia so just walking out of my room, let alone the front door, is really hard for me to do

Once I gain my confidence back and learn how to live in the real world, then that would be ultimate goal to help someone else.  It will be angled at DV, then BPD, but as I was abuse, first memory as a 2 year old from Mother, and now ex,  I have gone full blown BPD worse than trying to get help from when I was young.  I knew all my life I was completely different to normal people, that find tasks outside easy to do and I never could, would push me so far out of my comfort zone.  I tried working, always wary of people around me.  If someone yelled at me, I either went from zero to 100 and yelled back and then here is this meek and mild person yelling for first time and it shocks the hell out of them.  Or I tend to walk away and never speak to you again.  Only if you corner me yelling at me, will I full on yell back. 

I just want to get the hell out of here as living rurally no such resources as dialetical.  I have illnesses too and living rurally is isolation.  Calling police here has given me more freedom, but each time they would come, he would leave me alone for 2 weeks, this last time, it was one week and he was videoing me and saying he is going to call the police and show them and I yelled back, good call them, I want them to come.  After 2 hours, I rang them and told them he has videoed me and to watch it

I never approached him and was carrying a box as tall as me.  He put he hands on the box to stop me bringing it into the house, all I could think was dumb ass in my head.  As intimidating as having the phone in my face, I kept being me. 

That was 2 days ago and I am still reeling from that

I am also hoping to speak to like minded people as it gets lonely here. 

Only got diagnosed a few months ago with BPD at 53 years old and it was like, yes, finally, I understand me, but never new what it meant.  So even though researching it, I understand and ticked off many boxes and saying, yes that is me.  I have embraced it because people were saying I should look into ASD.  Got told too intelligent for ASD.  It took the mental hospital which I forced my way in to help me.  Scary place to be in there, but I was so desperate for help

There they wrote BPD, but did not see the discharge report as it was sent to my Doctor.  Actually my Support Worker said something about it and I said never seen it, she came to the Doctors with me and we asked for it.  A copy for her and one for me.  There it was BPD.  Been seeing a Psychologist, I sent it to her immediately.  This was only at the end of last year, it was the final piece in the puzzle.  I tried by myself to get DSP, but failed 6 months after the Hospital, did not have all the pieces.  The Hospital encouraged me to go for it

So once all the paperwork was sent in from various sources gathered with the help of the Support Worker who knew exactly what paperwork I needed, sent it in and 6 weeks later I got onto DSP.  My Doctor was going to write out a 3 month medical report for Centrelink until............

I was on Jobseeker, DSP is  a lot more and when I find the right affordability in rental, I am gone from here.

I hope this story gives someone hope as that is what I am still clutching onto