C-PTSD and Childhood Trauma

[Jynx]

@Healandlove I'm glad to hear that the little alteration in your behaviour (not moving to reconciliation first) did prompt him to take that step to be accountable. Breaking habits is already hard, but breaking relational habits, doubly so! 

Have you heard of the concept of displacement? I'm wondering if maybe therapy is bringing up a lot of stuff that's been stuck within - for instance, if he was completely unable to express his emotions as a child, he may hold a lot of anger, hurt, and/or resentment that he never got to release. Our emotions gotta come out some time! And the thing about displacement is that we usually turn to a 'safe' person to express these emotions, i.e. if his anger would have gotten him punished as a kid, then the brain is wired as 'expressing anger = unsafe, potential for abandonment'. So when he finally finds someone who DOESN'T reject him for his emotional expressions, it means a whole bunch of them have come flying out at you. I remember asking my sister once why she always got so angry at me, back when she was really unwell. She told me 'It's cos I love you so much, and I know you love me too, so it means you will actually forgive me afterwards.' 

I think @Ru-bee already nailed it with the ideas for burn out recovery!! Only thing I'd add is to reflect on/decide for yourself what your 'line' is - i.e. in terms of developing some boundaries around how much of his emotional volatility you're willing to tolerate. It might mean walking away from tense conversations sooner than you were before, calling a time out as soon as distress enters either of your voices whilst conversing, or asking for more time and space after a conflict for you to recover/come back to baseline. 

And be sure to indulge your creativity and passions!! Dance! Sing! Paint! Skip down a hill! All things that can refill our cup 😊

[avant-garde]

Please note that I started writing this 10 days ago so it may feel a bit out of place with the current conversation...

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My DBT coordinator in 2016 called me a miracle...

That even when I was 20 when I started recovery I was trying to get better... trying to be normal...

There is no such thing as normal but he wasn't wrong in saying that I'm remarkable...

The problem solver in me saw me as a problem to be fixed... that I'm a writer and so writing is what became my outlet, unintentionally how I apparently started fixing me... that I've always believed that something was inherently wrong with me...

The world tells us that there is something wrong with us, something different about us, but they couldn't be further from the truth. We are the miracles in our world, the ones who fight the hardest battle and come out stronger, come out braver, come out how we have to because we've learned that we are worth fighting for.

We live out the statements "every time you thought you wouldn't make it, you were wrong and you are even stronger and more capable now" and "to be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing it's best to make you somebody else is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight".

We learn that we don't just fight against the beliefs from our traumas, we fight the beliefs of so much of humanity, that we are more than what the world tells us, we are more capable than so much of the world sees.

That the ones who see us and walk alongside us in the constant battle are the ones who become our lifelong friends because they are far too rare to let go of easily.

We are not what is wrong with the world, we are the people that help make it right.

That is a beautiful thing, a wonderful thing, it's the thing that makes us all miracles, not just me.

[Healandlove]

@Shaz51 thank you my sister for your thoughts. I will continue to use this strategy.

I think that yes, he is dealing with a lot in his sessions and perhaps it takes him a few days to settle. 

Walking away is the best strategy for now.

Things are calm and even today when my sister and nephews came to visit my parents, he held it together.  He drove to the shops and spent sometime there trying to get a Christmas tree for my parents. When he came back his eyes were teary and I could tell he had been crying. 

The brief conversation with my sister today reinforces how different we are. I have so much empathy for her but continue to realise that we are related by blood but nothing else. My mum was happy though to see us interact even though it was my sister talking and me listening.  I wonder sometimes if my Mum uses me as a link to my sister because of the difference in generations? I'm not sure.

I have a sadness in me that hits me during these moments but hopefully I can ground myself in time for Christmas Eve.

🫂❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹