C-PTSD and Childhood Trauma

[Healandlove]

Hi everyone, 

My husband with cptsd reactivity and overreaction to things is breaking my heart. 

We had what I thought was an ok time with his parents yesterday but perhaps it was a trigger for him.

Today he overacted at the dog, the kids and I and just screamed at us. I just can't put up with that when he does this and I always stand up and call him out on his behaviour. 

It feels like we are a burden to him when he overreacts to situations like this. Then he calms down, but doesn't apologise so he doesn’t model reconciliation or ownership in front of the kids. I always have to be the emotionally responsible one.

Will my children be OK?

My heart breaks. He knows he should do better. 

@Jynx @Ru-bee @Shaz51 

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Healandlove thank you for sharing your experiences with the community!

It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment with your husband's behaviours and CPTSD. Mental health is not an excuse for bad behaviour, and we are all responsible for our actions. It's great that you call him out when he behaves like this, and you are role modelling how to be a strong person to your children.

Have you considered getting some support from a family and domestic violence service? !800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 is a good place to start and learning about how to best manage the situation. Nobody deserves to be abused, whether it's verbally or physically.

Thanks again for sharing your experiences with the Forums!

Take care

RiverSeal 

[Shaz51]

Sitting with you my sister 💕 @Healandlove 

I agree with @RiverSeal 

It can be very emotionally draining 

Your children will be OK,  you are there for them xx 

Be good for your husband mental health team knows what is happening 

How is everything going at the moment 

[Healandlove]

Thank you @RiverSeal .

We are doing couple counselling and we are both seeing therapists individually. 

Thank you for reassuring me that I am modelling the correct behaviour for my kids.

My husband's main issue is emotional disconnect and emotional regulation.  

The Couple psychologist said that it is not that he doesn't love us is that he can't connect and be empathetic when he has to. His brain doesn't compute it. I notice he has 1 outburst a month at the moment.  I started tracking it to see how often it happens.  He has never raised his hand or called a use or put me or the kids down. His anger comes from anxiety and a belief that we are doing the wrong thing or acting against him. No matter the explanation I always stand up and call him un on his behaviour.  Today he took the first step to reconnect and talk about it. He apologised. I accepted but told him ne needs to do better.

It is 2 steps backwards for him and 1 step forward.  He has made improvements but he needs to do better for all the people that care about him. I hope he can because I still love him but I also know when a limit has been reached. 

@Shaz51 thank you my sister. I feel your love. I am tired and truly just want to spend time with the kids. They heal me. My husband has to find his way back to us or unfortunately we will lead separate lives in the future. I will always love him and have empathy for him but I know there's a clock. I just hope he meets me on the right side of the clock. I'm grocery shopping now so happy to have separate time. On a positive note doggy did great and had a lot of fun running and being happy. He is the angel that watches on us all.

Love you my friend ❤️ 

[Shaz51]

Love you too sister @Healandlove 🥰

Soo sorry honey , I hope your husband changes xx

My mum left Dad because he was affecting my health 

Did you have 2 ivf 

My step daughter had to have Ivf 

And I could not have children myself 

How are today 

@Jynx , @rav3n 

[Jynx]

@Shaz51 ty for tag 😊 Hope you're having a mellow Monday! 

@Healandlove sounds like it's been soooo tough for you hun. Has it been worsening of late, or is it more that your cup has emptied and it's becoming a potential source of burn out? 

In my experience, stuff like attachment trauma and frequent emotional dysregulation tend to make us very selfish. Which does make sense, when you think about it being related to unmet needs and feeling emotionally volatile - they're putting us into survival mode and suddenly, lizard-brain takes over, shutting down mammalian brain (where all the social stuff lives) in favour of getting those immediate needs met. Ain't no two ways about it - I used to be kind of an a-hole myself! When I was having frequent panic attacks and stuck in SI, in those moments of extreme dysregulation I gave no care to the people around me trying to support me, and would sometimes even push them to ignore their own boundaries in order to get them to help me soothe. 

When conflict starts kicking up, does it tend to escalate until he's screaming? Or is it seemingly that he starts screaming out of nowhere? I ask because I know for myself, there is simply NO POINT in ever trying to work on conflict resolution (or even just have a reasonable, mutually attuned conversation) whilst I'm dysregulated. I'm wondering if you do stuff like calling time outs or asking him to take some time to regulate/come back to baseline before any further conversation?

[Healandlove]

@Shaz51 thank you my sister for the hugs and right back at you. 🤗❤️.

I'm sorry your Dad wasn't there for you. Your Mum was a strong woman and I know you thank her for her resolve and strength. 

I don't know where we will end up. My hope is my husband does get better but I am keeping realistic too. Time will tell and I hope my children understand in the future if we have to part ways.  In the end the children know who to go to for support...I hope. 

I'm just hoping for the best because most of the time things are good. Reality is the kids are growing up with a 100% emotionally mature parent a day onto that is 40% there. 

So most of the emotional work falls on me.

I pray to God that my husband improves overtime so that there are no outbursts and that he can self soothe.

I had one ivf that took but then we lost the baby. I ended up with an ectopic pregnancy. 

Then we were blessed with a baby via ivf and the second one came naturally. 

You have become a mamabear to many here and outside the forum. 🥰🥰🥰

[Healandlove]

@Jynx thank you for your words and insight. 

We have been talking about that at the couple sessions. There are times when he starts getting annoyed and I note and walk away. In our last session I talked about how I am getting tired of always being the one to reach for the olive branch and start the conversation for reconciliation.  The way he was taught is to sweep things under the carpet. In his family there's only obligation, duty and working hard. They never spoke about feelings or acknowledged his needs. I think that if he had grown up in a different home he would actually be similar to me. 

So he just learnt to bottle up and then blow up.

But what happened on Sunday was out of the blue. He was feeling stressed and suddenly the kids and I were in his way. After standing up to him and telling him his behaviour was not acceptable I kept quiet and disengaged. This was during our drive to take our doggie out on a trip. I didn't offer reconciliation.  He kept quiet and calmed down.  He interacted quietly and calmly with the kids. As he saw I was disengaged he actually made the move to reconciliate. So I guess that is an improvement. We then went about the day fine. I just didn't have it in me to reach out.

So I think you are right that my cup is empty.

I told him during the couple session that as much as I love him I don't know whether my empathy can last forever and that he needs to be the one reaching out specially after he has had a meltdown. 

So no they are not more frequent but I did notice that the last meltdown he had was a month ago, 2 days after he saw his therapist and the same happened this time. So I wonder whether his sessions are becoming so emotionally charged for him that it causes this distegulation.

Any thoughts on this?

Any thoughts on what I can do to keep my cup full mostly for me and the kids?

🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[Shaz51]

@Healandlove 

wrote :After standing up to him and telling him his behaviour was not acceptable I kept quiet and disengaged.:

over the years I have done this more and more , so now I just tell him and then leave it for him to think about it all

@Healandlove  wrote

So I wonder whether his sessions are becoming so emotionally charged for him that it causes this distegulation.

Could be my sister , maybe in his brain it is working overtime and thinking lots negative thoughts that he can not do it 

@Jynx , @Ru-bee 

[Ru-bee]

Hello @Healandlove 

It sounds like this has been super challenging for the whole family

Good on you for being clear about what you need after a meltdown, and recognising that being the one to reach out each time is putting even more of a strain on you.

In terms of keeping your cup full, there's the go-to areas that are always a good place to start: Trying to ensure that you're eating well and enough, that you're moving your body to release any stored stress and to keep yourself feeling physically well, and to make sure you've got a sleep routine that works for you. Beyond that it's about taking time to really care for yourself - this could be by spending time with people who support you and make you feel full (I know you mentioned your kids do this for you), or engaging in a hobby or activity that is purely for your own enjoyment - it's different for everyone but it's really just about taking some time to truly put yourself first. Do you have anything that's coming to mind?