Acceptance is hard work

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I saw you reply on someone else's post. I hope it's okay to tag you here, I don't need anything, except someone to know, I guess. 

I seem to be in the middle of a rough morning. I woke up at ridiculous o'clock, feeling really heavy, let myself sit in it for a little while before forcing myself into action, because if I'm moving then I'm not stewing on how terrible I feel. I've done the housework, and have just sat down to work on my assignment.

But...my anxiety is high. My heart is beating into my head. I feel foggy, spinny and headachey and I'm struggling. I'm okay, but so far...today isn't a great one. 

[tyme]

All good @MissinTooth . I tend to float in an out so you can tag me any time. 

Sorry you had a bad night. I can relate to that. I hope your assignment can distract you for a bit. But I'm mindful distraction doesn't last forever.

Can you schedule in a break and go walk the dog, then come back a bit later to work on your assignment? I walk can be so beneficial.

I know this is totally not ideal, but some times, there are days I just need a cap nap in between to help me 'reset'.

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I like the idea of taking a break to take Luna for a walk. It's still cold, but the sun's out today. 

And no, distractions don't last forever...but I might be able to satisfy the part of me that needs to feel as if I've achieved something on my assignment today and then do something to reset.

[tyme]

Yes, you can feel a sense of achievement. If your main goal is to complete part of your assignment, then see if you can break it down into smaller goals ...

Lists help me sooooo much! I've got 7 things on my list today and I've completed 3 so far this morning @MissinTooth 

Wonder if this will help?

[MissinTooth]

@tyme I hope it helps...

It's just hard when I feel so foggy, heavy headed and unsettled. 

I think I'm going to try and aim to get the script written for my Powerpoint presentation, then leave the Powerpoint and the recording of my presentation for tomorrow.

I might aim to take a break every hour or so - with a reminder to eat, drink and do some of the basic self-care. 

[MissinTooth]

@Jynx are you around? 

Welcome back! Hope you had a good week. 

[Jynx]

Allo allo @MissinTooth I was meaning to pop in on ya!! How's you hun?

naww ty ty 😊

[MissinTooth]

I'm not having a good day. @Jynx 

I've been using distractions today - housework, study, I mowed the lawns, folded like three weeks worth of washing - but as soon as the distractions disappeared the struggles and the SH stepped forward. 

I'm now sitting on the couch with a cuppa and something to eat, trying to ground myself. I'm safe. I don't need medical attention, just...some compassion, some support and maybe someone to help me ground a little. 

[Jynx]

Oh that's rough as @MissinTooth but I am very glad to hear that you are taking the time to be slow and gentle tonight. Hope your cuppa is feeling nice and warm in your hands and helping you stay present 😉

Aye of course hun. If there's any thoughts that are 'sticking' in your mind, or anything you wanna get off your chest, or any lingering feelings of shame, by all means feel free to express em here. What's shareable is bearable after all 💜

Distracty chats are also always an option! Big squishjy hugs, comin atcha!

🫂🫂🫂

[MissinTooth]

@Jynx I'm now laying on the floor in front of the wood heater, trying to get warm, but also slowing things down.

I don't know how to talk about this week...but I can try. 

So, I upped my meds to the full dose this week and I'm just feeling...unsettled by it. My brain feels weird. My memory is all scattered. I even forgot to pay my rent last Sunday. I've been distracted, had a hard time focusing and my brain feels slow. 

I have more energy, but it's weird because I don't know how I'm supposed to feel and a lot of this week...well, I've not been feeling too much of anything. Just kinda empty. I don't know if I just need to recalibrate to it...or if it's something to talk to my GP about. The numb, foggy, empty feeling was setting in before the meds...I can't even cry...so I don't know. 

The slow brain, that empty feeling, brain fog...I identified with my counsellor as a trigger for SH and the urges have been really hard to work with. She gave me strategies to try - one made it worse, one is too cold here to use, the other works...somewhat. But, I've still SH'd more so than normal and I feel disheartened.

Then @AuntGlowand I in this thread were talking about my plans/goals for my future and I just...I couldn't respond because I don't have a lot of hope that the future I see is...is even achievable any more. I just feel kind of lost with it all.

I woke up this morning feeling heavy and brain foggy and anxious and just wanting to give up. I didn't go to bowls and didn't do self-care Saturday because I really just want to stay home this weekend and get an assignment done. I had a list of jobs to do, so I forced myself to do them. And now we're here. The jobs are done and I'm just trying to slow down.