Acceptance is hard work

[MissinTooth]

@AuntGlow I hope it's okay if we move over here? As I said, I don't want to hijack @Dreamy's thread. 

I am...

I just am...it's been a very up and down couple of weeks and I'm battling with thoughts that stop me from feeling comfortable communicating what's going on. 

Just this week for an example...I've gone through so many states of being. I've been incredibly anxious, to completely drained and exhausted, to being knee deep in brain fog, to feeling frustrated because I'm tired of feeling like I always have to hold it together. I've had panic attacks set off by too much noise, and overstimulation. I've had no focus and then I've been caught in hyperfocus and adrenaline fuelled energy where there's no rest. And...I've had thoughts of SI come up for the first time in a while. I can't seem to find a baseline at the moment, or maintain that baseline. 

I don't know what's going on with me and I'm a little scared...to be honest. 

Yesterday was a good day. We celebrated my niece's 2nd birthday. I can't buy her a present until I get paid on Wednesday. Today I've been emotional. Triggered by Mother's Day. I went and saw my Mum and could only afford to buy her a coffee and a donut for Mother's Day and while driving home I was hit with a barrage of thoughts about how much I fail and let down the people that I love, how much I'm failing at life at the moment. I felt my chest get heavy and it feels like I can't take a breath, which is something that I've felt in the middle of a panic attack. 

I have my first phone call with SANE's guided recovery counsellor tomorrow after work and I don't know how to talk to them about any of this. 

Edited  just to add….

I’m worried about having to talk to someone, because I put up a post like this and then instantly start to get all nervey and fidgety and want it taken down.

[AuntGlow]

Thank you so much for sharing this with me @MissinTooth 💖

This is 100% a safe space and everything you have shared is perfectly articulated, and most importantly, very valid. 

I also notice my nervous system can become very heightened and I that I can be quick to react to things when I am overstimulated - often when there's been a compounding of stressors and moments where I haven't listened to what my body needs... we are all different, so this may not be the exact root cause for you. But I wonder, if you place a hand on your heart and one on your stomach and ask yourself, 'What do I really need right now to feel safe?' - what comes up first? 

Also, how lovely that you showed up for your niece and your mum. It can feel like we have failed when we can't meet all of our expectations, but you are allowed to not show up in every way every time. I think it was really kind of you to spend time with mum and to buy her what you could - you have shared the little reserves you have both energetically and financially, this deserves some acknowledgement. 

I want you to know that money stress really is so exhausting, as well as managing fluctuating mental health (particularly if it's very intensely up and down). I can genuinely see how hard you are trying to be there for yourself and others, so know that we are here for you tonight okay? 💛

[MissinTooth]

@AuntGlow I have done a similar thing before. Hand on my heart and solar plexus, three rounds of box breathing and ask myself what is it that I need. You just reminded me of that tool. The answer I got was connection and community. 

I am so desperate for a place where I can unmask and just be myself. Where it’s okay to have big emotions, to reach out, to acknowledge that things are hard. I’m tired of the programming telling me that “it’s not valid. It’s all for attention.” 

I wasn’t around last year for my niece’s first birthday,  or was I there for Mother’s Day. I kinda took a leave of absence…I guess and moved interstate. I needed to sort myself out and find a healthy space to sit. I was miserable, and homesick and fell into some really hard relationships. I came home in Feb this year and there’s so much guilt inside of me that I don’t think I’ve acknowledged before. I have so many tears…just writing that right now. I left them. My Mum was going through a cancer diagnosis, my grandfather’s health is and was declining rapidly, my Aunty passed away, my brother was trying to raise his first child and two children under 6 that aren’t his by birth…and I left them. I was in such a horrible place that I could only see two options…leave, shake it up, try something new or take myself out of the picture. I left and left them…and now I have a whole year to make up for…a whole year of missed opportunities and time spent with them. I’m doing a poor job of making up for it. 

Edit - is it a safe space? 

[AuntGlow]

@MissinTooth Connection and community are so important to me too. It's a genuine need for people to have places they can unmask and be their perfectly imperfect selves. I hope you feel that here, but I also hope you are able to find it where you are too. Have you explored support groups in person before? 

It sounds like things became rather intense for you last year... it makes a lot of sense why you left, and I get the sense you did so to ensure you could be in a better place for yourself and those around you? It's okay to do this, but I understand it's a nuanced situation, so you are allowed to feel any and all emotions. In fact, it is probably very helpful for your healing and processing. I wonder though, is the guilt you are feeling coming from you or elsewhere? 

Also, I don't think you are doing a poor job at all. 💛

[MissinTooth]

@AuntGlow I haven't explored anything before. I don't have a diagnosis. I haven't spoken to a gp, I haven't reached out for support. I'm new to this and don't know how. I'm just...trying to continue to show up. 

I left...because all I could see was the bad. I couldn't see any good in my life and even the good things, like my niece and my relationship with my brother was impacted and clouded by the negativity inside me. I couldn't see my purpose any more and I was...lost in the overwhelm and the thoughts and the sheer horror of horizonlessness. I did a lot of work over there to get myself to a place where I could see the good - a lot of time line work, a lot of letter writing and burning. 

I...don't know whether the guilt is mine, Honestly. I know that it's heavy, I know that it hurts, I know that it just broke me a little and caused a flood of years and emotion, just acknowledging it. 

[AuntGlow]

@MissinTooth You have already taken such a huge step by reaching out to us and expressing all that you are feeling. Let's take a breath for a moment and sit with that. Right now, that's enough. 

Maybe we can talk about further supports or ways to create more connection when you're ready. 💛

Leaving your family must have been an incredibly hard decision for you to make... I think that committing to being there for yourself, as well as processing what you were feeling was and is really brave. Life can be so challenging, but despite this, you are still showing up every day and trying your best to grow and evolve, which takes tremendous courage.

I know this conversation is bringing up big feelings for you, so I am curious to know what you need most from me right now? 

[MissinTooth]

@AuntGlow I don't know what I need, I'm sorry. I don't know if I need anything. I don't know how to answer that question. 

Thank you for being here tonight. I'm going to take some time, head to bed maybe and just sit with it. 

[AuntGlow]

@MissinTooth You never have to apologise for not knowing. If you'd like, let's use this chat as a place for you to gently discover things as they come? No force, no pressure - just learning as you go. 😊

I am really glad I could be here for you, and I think that sounds like a good plan. We are always here if you need to chat again. 

In the meantime, I hope you get some rest. ✨

[MissinTooth]

@AuntGlowlets do that. It sounds like a good use for this chat. 

Thank you. 

[Till23]

Hi @MissinTooth it looks like you tagged me further up this thread and I totally missed it, I'm really sorry about that.

Remember you can say as much or as little as you like on here, and do it at your own pace. It's difficult when things seem to be coming at you from all angles and in a bit of a rush. Sometimes I think I say too much, but I remind myself that this is anonymous. I could see the people in real life that I chat to on here everyday but we wouldn't know it. If you are vague enough no one can work it out. For example I say I do a sport, could be tennis, soccer, netball whatever. How many people do a sport - lots. I live in NSW - lots of people. 

It's definitely hard to say things for the first time, when you are not used to doing this, but I've found after years, that it does get easier. I'm glad you are in the guided recovery. They will not ask you a million questions, just say what you want at your own pace. 

As for your feeling of leaving people, you didn't did you, you just took a break and that sounds like it's because you needed a break. Remember what they say on the aeroplanes - put your own mask on first. You can't help other people if you are struggling to breathe.

I hope you have a good rest tonight