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13 Jun 2025 05:24 PM
13 Jun 2025 05:24 PM
@tyme I think it's natural to go off on tangents. Lots of people talk about, "clearing your mind of your thoughts," when you meditate and I've never been able to do that well. I've tried telling my brain to "ssshhh" but it never works.
A goal? Let's go 30 days. I'm not sure if I should make it shorter, make it more manageable or if I should push myself...and set something that feels kinda out of reach and required lots of consistency, which I'm not good at.
Let's go with 30...but I might need a kick into gear every now and then...
14 Jun 2025 07:28 PM
14 Jun 2025 07:28 PM
@tyme got a TWO day streak happening so far.
15 Jun 2025 08:01 AM
15 Jun 2025 08:01 AM
TW: Mentions self harm.
@AuntGlow I know you don't start until later today, but you said to tag you in an update anyway...
I spoke to my counsellor on Thursday night. She had to initiate and lead the conversation about SH and what happens for me. She asked questions that were difficult for me to answer and stirred everything up. She gave me some strategies to use when the urges come up. I tried to use one of those strategies on Friday night and I think it made the urges more present and stronger. I even woke up in the middle of the night with them.
Saturday, I decided to try some self-care. It's something I've been working on - self-care Saturdays. I was up early and got some work done - 3 hours of report writing - and then went and played lawn bowls. I just felt like I was so deeply sad and heavy though, all day.
I have a list of jobs I need to get done and I didn't stop until I was happy that I'd achieved some of those jobs but when I got home and gave into those SH urges. I'm okay. I don't need medical attention. I went to bed with the thought, "what is wrong with me.." circling in my head and feeling really sorry for myself because...I can't even use a strategy to help me effectively and yesterday, I struggled with words to make conversation with people - even people here. I guess I should be proud because I managed to ignore those strong urges for a period of time, but I'm not proud of myself because I gave in, because I can't do "normal" right now.
Last night I dreamt. Do you know the Dementor's from Harry Potter? I dreamt I had one that came to me. I had my back to it and refused to look. I could feel it run it's boney fingers down my back and touch my cheek. I could hear it's raspy breathing in my ear. It leaned down over me and tried to get me to look at it - but I knew that if I looked...it would take everything good and happy and suck it from me.
The new medication makes me feel nauseous, slow brained, it heightens my anxiety and I just feel....weird/different. But I was warned about all of those things and told to see the first week through because they generally fade with time.
My parents could be coming for a visit today - and it feels wrong of me, but I wish they wouldn't. I think it's because...this is my home and it's somewhere...the only somewhere I have that I don't have to mask.
Today, I have a lot of study to catch up on from this week (I didn't do any of the course content this week and we have another assignment due next weekend). I think, I'll be here a lot today, so I will catch you later.
@tyme three day streak on Smiling Minds breathing activities.
15 Jun 2025 06:19 PM
15 Jun 2025 06:19 PM
Hi @AuntGlow how was your weekend?
15 Jun 2025 06:32 PM
15 Jun 2025 06:32 PM
Good, lovely! Just working a lot - some catch-ups with friends in the moments when I wasn't. ☺️ @MissinTooth
I was just looking at your last post to me, so will message you in a mo'!
How are things feeling for you at the moment? 💛
15 Jun 2025 06:42 PM - edited 15 Jun 2025 07:04 PM
15 Jun 2025 06:42 PM - edited 15 Jun 2025 07:04 PM
I dunno how things are feeling...at the moment @AuntGlow
Physically, it's freezing...I have a cold house with no insulation and it's been a cold day. Tired...sleep has been tough. Feeling a little churny in the belly. I cooked chow mein because I wanted something warm and comforting for dinner and now I don't want any.
15 Jun 2025 07:53 PM
15 Jun 2025 07:53 PM
@MissinTooth Thank you for sharing this with me, it must have felt so vulnerable to talk about this in more detail. I am glad you had the space to explore SH, but I definitely get how it would have brought up big feelings. May I ask, what strategy did you explore that didn't work for you this time?
Self-Care Saturday's - I love this idea! How was lawn bowls?? (I am terrible at it haha)
It seems like there were still some big feelings lingering for you, which must have been so overwhelming... do you know where this sadness and heaviness was coming from?
You are allowed to have moments where you oscillate between well and less well, between healthy and maladaptive coping - you are human. 💛
Often, the attachments we hold towards these actions (that may hit a core belief) is what perpetuates the feeling; and it's hard to simply let go, it takes time. So, I understand why things might be feeling so challenging right now. You are also exploring and challenging some really big things for the first time - that is HUGE. So, we need to be gentle and keep working towards self-compassion (I know this is tough too, but we will get there!).
Are your parents with you and have you managed to explore any study today?
And the most important question - what does your heart really need right now? 🥰
15 Jun 2025 08:17 PM
15 Jun 2025 08:17 PM
@AuntGlow it's okay to ask, but I don't want to go into why, it just feels hard...my counsellor suggested that I use ice cubes or an ice pack. I didn't have an ice pack so I tried an ice cube It escalated things instead and I got kinda disheartened by it, I think.
Lawn bowls was okay. Saturday was challenging, so I wasn't really...feeling it. But I went and I tried. And I think I have to make sure I keep going because...I feel like it's important to do things other than sit at home and feel horrible. It's in my safety plan too, to go somewhere there's other people. A lawn bowls team/club is also a place I used to find connection.
I don't really know. It comes around on and off during the week. I was/am feeling pretty overwhelmed so...I don't know if that was something, or if it's just...come to visit. There was also something going on with how I felt about my old friendship group and just feeling alone, and...broken. I've had this...question, like..."what's wrong with me?" floating around in my head. I can't even use strategies to help me stop SH, I'm medicated, I don't have any friends and I can't people well, I can't study the way I used to be able to, I can't even...feel properly at the moment. It's kind of like the opposite of being gentle and having self-compassion. And I'm sorry, I'm so bad at it.
My parents were here for a couple of hours today. They brought my niece with them. My brother is in QLD for two weeks so, they have her until he gets back. And I got a little bit of study done today. I watched last week's seminar and wrapped my head around what to do for the assignment that's due next weekend. I started in on last week's content, but started to feel really anxious so I put it away.
My heart...it just needs...connection.
15 Jun 2025 08:23 PM
15 Jun 2025 08:23 PM
I failed my streak @MissinTooth ! My niece has been sleeping with me so I don't want to wake her. I'm going to start again tonight! Thanks for the nudge.
15 Jun 2025 08:29 PM
15 Jun 2025 08:29 PM
@tyme that's totally okay, you have an amazing reason to not have continued on with your streak.
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