OMG, @Jynx I haven't seen it, but it sounds like it fits the situation perfectly.
Yeah, I surprised myself when I put my brother's house on my safety plan as somewhere to go when I'm feeling blergh. They don't need to know why, but the kids are just...special and heart warming.
I have lots of photos of her. I even have videos of her swinging on the clothes line here at home. Beautiful memories and connections.
Can I have an honest moment, a question...share some of those pesky feelings thingys maybe?
I feel...I'm so disappointed in myself. I am letting it all slip and slide and not doing what I should be doing and how I should be doing it...
A little example...I was supposed to call into my parents to bring their garbage bins back up on Thursday after work and I completely forgot. I don't have a grip on things at the moment. It feels very...out of my control and I feel really frustrated and angry at myself.
I put up a post this morning, tagged you in it and deleted it because I went through this whole....I've found this space and these people and now I'm terrified of it disappearing. I don't know how it would disappear but, things and people do and usually it's because I'm too much. And then I was embarrassed because....it was too much.
Hmm you working through the malaise of brain fog perhaps hun? If you have been opening up stuff in this space for the first time, perhaps your mind keeps wandering to those thoughts again, meaning you're less focused on the task at hand/remembering all the tasks/etc? I only ask cos I have been in that space when processing my emotions/traumas and stuff, so I would just gently encourage you to try to be a little more gentle with yourself?
I know it can be frustrating but it's NOT an indication of personal failing by any stretch, just perhaps that you're a bit overwhelmed at the moment. Of course, please do correct me if you think I'm way off!!
Totally understandable fear if in the past, opening up has lost you meaningful relationships. As I said, it's all at your speed. I am glad you deleted it! Means it was too soon, and again you trusted your gut and have done what has felt safest. Good on you. 😊💜
@Jynx my brain has been so so foggy. There's a high chance you're correct. It makes sense. I'm not sure I know how to be gentle with myself. I'm still amazed at how you all encourage people to sit in that space of gentleness with yourself, and how kind and empathetic all the peer support workers are. I'm not used to it. I grew up in almost the opposite environment where there was no time and no patience for it. I just had to get over things and forge onwards regardless. I would get in trouble for being sick...sometimes worse. I just...it's a really different approach.
I don't think you're way off - I feel incredibly overwhelmed. I reached out tonight to my Dad, I have a woodheater and I'm running out of wood and I asked him to contact the man he gets wood from and he was like..."you're an adult, do it yourself." And I'm over here with the whole...just another thing for me to do. I'm in overwhelm and stuck, I think, as Auntglow suggested in the functional freeze mode. Have you ever been there?
@MissinTooth honestly it took a while for me to get to this space, I used to be up to my eyeballs in self-loathing, as internalised from a lifetime of criticism and ostracism. It does feel strange at first, doesn't it?!
Kinda like 'okay... cool they're super nice... wait what's the catch? Or where's the left hook? Something's gotta be up, right?' It takes time to unlearn these things that our brains are telling us are there to keep us safe! Especially if, egads, in trouble for getting sick? Yikes, yeah that is gonna take time to untangle yourself from hun.
Sometimes, gentleness is as simple as saying to yourself 'oh, that was a mean thing I just said to myself. That's okay I will say something nice now.' or like 'oof I have been super hard on myself today... maybe I deserve a lil treat'
Aye, feels like... floating? But not nice floaty happy bliss, more like drifting aimlessly, unable to properly make decisions or engage with things you wanna do. Or like you're watching life through frosted glass kinda. No fun. How long you been stuck in it for did you say?
@Jynxhmm...I don't know if it's floating...it's heavy. I know the things that I have to do, the things that I need to do, but I just can't do them. It's like...the thought comes through..."I need to go into the docs, see whether they're taking new patients because I need to see a gp..." and then like...it's gone. Or "I need to deal with my broken washing machine..." and that becomes...not right now, it's too hard, too much. My eyes, my head...all feel blurry and heavy. I got out in public like I did today and I feel like I'm wading through...fog and I feel so...disconnected and invisible. I had a moment today where I was walking through this busy shopping centre and I was like...I don't even feel like my head's connected to my body right now, my legs are just moving of their own accord.
It's probably been a month on and off. More on than off at the moment.
@MissinTooth aye that's the one... maybe floaty was the wrong word, but definitely the disconnectedness of it all. And then the 'ugh too much effort, don't wanna' is a MOOOOOD.
I try to be forgiving with myself, cos shame tends to keep me stuck. But it can sometimes just be a matter of moving through it day by day, tryna keep aloft, you know tryna brush my teeth at least once a day... and that in itself can get soooo frustrating!
Did something shift or change that's brought it on more intensely do you think?
Also if I stop replying it's cos I've logged off! But we can always pick this up again next time I'm on 😉
Those two combined and nothing gets done! And that's when I start to feel like I'm letting everyone down, like I'm failing everyone and failing at every thing and the pressure builds up inside me.
Things had started to slip a little before, but they have gotten worse since moving into my own home. Long story short...and feel free to ask me questions if you like...I had a pretty...horrible year last year and got into a situation that I had to get myself out of and quickly.
I moved to QLD because I needed to shift and change something in my life, or I wasn't going to survive it.
But, the friend I moved in with wasn't a safe person, wasn't the person I thought they were. I didn't feel safe and I spent 12 months in a constant state of feeling and being triggered, constantly teetering between fight and flight. I forced myself to see out the 12 months. To get myself out, I needed to come home and to come home, I needed a place to live, so I moved in with my parents for eight weeks. There's no space in that house for feeling and processing, no space for stopping and resting, no space for taking a breath.
Now I'm in my own home and I have all of those things around me (space, time, quiet) and I've crashed.
@MissinTooth Hello lovely! I hope you have found some moments of lightness and joy over the weekend so far - would love to hear about them if you have. 🥰
Firstly, I am so proud of you for exploring @Ru-bee's suggestion of Beyond Now. You're right, it really is confronting at first, but you have sat with this discomfort and explored it anyway because you know it will help you work through these more challenging thoughts and feelings - HUGE. I also think it was very brave of you to address this with the SANE counsellor, so that you can work through it together. I hope you're taking note of all of these moments as proof of your courage.
Secondly, I know things like shame, guilt, or disappointment can come up with the idea that we have 'given' into our impulses, but I would really love it if you could practice seeing this as just a part of you who is trying their best to survive in the only way that feels accessible right now. A younger part of you that is afraid and just doing their best to manage incredibly intense emotions on their own. When we can see SI like this, it's a little easier to be compassionate towards ourselves.
Thirdly, I am so glad you have put us down as part of your safety plan - yes! Always here for you. I think for many, a safer way to release emotions and safe connections help so, so much.
Here for you and keen to hear how you're feeling today. ✨
