Something’s not right
Dear @Lee82 I am so sorry for the toxic environment you grew up in and that your birthgiver is still throwing her toxicity around in droves. I love you Mel and I wish I could fix things for you and your beautiful boys. You were my first real connection here and you introduced me to all of our beautiful friends. For that I am eternally grateful 🙏💕
Google bar therapy Mel, I've been having it, it seems to be helping me.
I am sending to the Universe to keep you and your boys safe and a change for the better xoxo
@Lee82 I have been thnking so much about your earlier post today and hope I can find the right words for you right now...
Firstly Hon - any form of abuse or using you is NOT your fault. Yes you might allow some of it to happen but when we are worn down, put down, out of energy or feel so downhearted and lost it is easy for others to take advantage of us - that is on their shoulders though and you should not ever feel that it is your fault. People take advantage of those that cannot do anything about it and unfortunately life is filled with those people but there are also very kind, caring and compassionate people around - you have many of those friends here that not only SEE you but hear you.
Yes it is difficult to pull ourselves up and/or get through everyday when we are so low and feel so disillusioned with the world we are living in. What I have for you is hope - it may seem small and insignificant for you at present but many. many people here have held that out for me when I was where you are - I could not see it nor did I even want to but they kept that alive for me and now I can see a little of it myself.
I can also see you are withdrawing from all those that can help - whether that be in a medical sense or just support. I would encourage you to find a way to stay connected with your treating team - a little time out may be what you want riht now but from experience that is often the time you need them the most. Allow yourself to receive help Hon - you matter, you deserve it and it is there for you. I do know that reaching out is hard and keeping those that can help around iis even harder because she feel like it is a waste of time and energy - but that really is when you need to let those in your team know just how bad things are and let them help you.
Your children will no doubt be feeling their own things whilst you are going through all this - that does not make you a failure as a Mum but one that needs support herself. Showing your kids that it is okay to ask for help is in itself a great life lesson. Is there anyone apart from your Mum that the kids could stay with - and if not have you thought about crisis care for them for those 4 weeks. It is not ideal but the alternative is that you continue to be in the situation where you feel you cannot care for them or yourself and that is no way for any of you to be living.
At present you do feel damaged and broken - both of those may be true the way you are presently feeling but in no way are you in the too hard basket or cannot be 'fixed'. This MH journey we are all on is not a sprint Hon - it really is a marathon that never ends. There will always be times we need help and support and there will always be times we fall backwards and find it hard to get through but there are also many things in your life that you have to look forward to. You have a kind heart, beautiful children and an insight into yourself that many do not have. That makes you more susceptible to self-criticism and those darker days feeling insummountable - but you also do have strength and courage. Just writing your post with so much heartfelt words shows me both of those as well as some hope - you have reached out and that matters.
There are no quick fixes @Lee82 (I wish there was) but you have us supporting you here, a team that wants to help and children that want their Mum around. ...and right now you need help from all of those so again I would encourage you to accept that help - let others deal with all the things you cannot and concentrate on yourself and what you need. You are loved, you are cared for and you absolutely matter. Hugs and hugs and hugs 
Content warning: discussion of abuse
Hi @Lee82,
Sending all the support in the world to you right now while you're going through so much
I echo @Sans911's care and concern about deciding to stop seeing your psychologist and psychiatrist. During what sounds like an intense time, support might be needed the most now I'm not aware of your full thought processes which led to this decision, but I am wondering if it's certain, or otherwise something you could reconsider?
I'm concerned about the ongoing abuse you said you're experiencing; I'm really sorry to hear this 💞 I gently disagree that it is "90% [your] fault" - abuse happens because perpetrators make the decision to abuse, and it is never the target's fault. We can of course try and set up boundaries and stand up for ourselves- but abuse is ultimately never our fault.
I want you to know that - even though it might not feel like it - safety, recovery, and healing from situations like this is 100% possible, for both you and your kids. I mean that 100%.
Services are out there to listen and help; here are some which might be helpful
- 1800 RESPECT for crisis support, counselling, and referrals related to domestic, family, and sexual abuse
- Blue Knot for counselling and referral suport for adult survivors of complex / childhood trauma
- List of services for domestic and family violence support, by state and territory. They can provide referrals to further support, including case workers, safety planning, legal & housing assistance, and financial support.
Your post was so considerate and deeply felt and honest. I have not posted a lot with you, been more on the sides, but a few things resonated with me in a huge way, so sharing in the hope it helps.
1) The internal conflict about whether to accept babysitting services from a mother/grandmother who has not done internal work and does not realise the extent of damage caused in earlier generations, partly by her own actions was an ongoing issue for me for 25 years. I made different decisions at different times, managed on my own, or allowed her in etc etc. She proved to me in the end she was not helpful (but passive aggressive and vengeful) which is extremely sad, not just for me, but the whole extended family relations, eg all the cousins and 2nd cousins etc. She also did not like my son, and expressed it when he was about 2.
2) Accepting professional help. By the time I left my husband my back and neck were a mess. I had tried various hands on chiropractic services and acupuncture, but it kept getting worse. I will just relate about my physical health here. I decided to go it alone, and followed all sorts of proactive things for spine health diet, exercise, tai chi, exercises etc. It did gradually improve but it was almost imperceptible. Over time I looked back and realised my pain levels had reduced. I think my body and back had been pushed around so much that it needed a long no touch period ... years and years ... to be left to find it own natural equilibrium ... I only let one osteo I have seen for 15 years ... (just a few times per year) .... touch me what my back needed was rest and appropriate movement, not to be always pushed beyond confort zones. Earlier I had too many helpers spoiled the broth so to speak.
So the whole asking for help ... needs unpacking. Is the help actually helping.
3) I also had a lot of early abuse including sexual, that meant I allowed a lot of negative behaviour. I simply had no idea how to be treated with respect, and then had all sorts of confusion and doubt about it. Stockholm syndrome is a real experience for many in intimate relationships. The period I had without others invading my physical and psychological space has been essential in my basic survival.
I hope things settle for you over time.
Take Care Apple
