Suicidal thoughts

[AL0007]

Ive become really suicidal. 

Have been for years now, but its gotten so much more apparent these past 6 months how much i really just dont want to carry on like this anymore. 

Ive struggled with heavy addiction for 14 years, diagnosed adhd , depression and anxiety in 2010 and then a recent update diagnosis after a suicide attempt last year of bipolar 2 disorder.

2 pysch admissions this year after psychotic episodes. 

In and out of rehab for 3 years,  loss of marriage,  home, job, now homeless and still in active addiction. Feel like im worse than ever, and my loved ones i know are over my shit. Im over my own shit. Im exhausting,  i just cant get better. 

I think itd be a relief for all my loved ones i weren't here so they can focus on their own lives and not have my chaos and instabilities affect them all the time.

(Edited by moderator)

I take my medications,  i try go to n.a meetings,waiting for rehab again is biding my mind into insanity and reckless behaviour.  

Im becoming manic again, i can feel it and im currently couch surfing between my ex wifes and my sisters place and catt team come see me every feww days and i even feel like a nuisance to them having to check in on me.

Will things ever get better and will the feeling and constant thoughts and planning of killing myself go away?? Or is this just the way bipolar disorder can be and there aint nothing we can do to want to want to live??

@Help

[Ru-bee]

Hi @AL0007 

Thank you for joining the forums and sharing what you've been going through. I'm so sorry to hear that things are feeling so dark right now. 

When we're in such a dark place our minds can convince us of some pretty horrible things - like that our loved ones would have an easier time if we weren't around. These thoughts aren't the truth, even they feel like it at times. Your loved ones are better off with you here. 

I can also assure you that you're not a nuisance to the CATT team that comes to check on you regularly, they do this job to help people just like you. They want to help, and so do we.

I hear that you're looking for some hope through hearing other's experiences that things can get better. While I don't have lived experience of bipolar myself, this discussion might be really helpful for you to read as it includes members talking about their experiences of bipolar. I encourage you to take a look, especially page 5 onwards.

I'm going to send you an email to check in on your safety at the moment okay? 

In the meantime, if you feel like you are feeling unsafe please reach out to that CATT team, or any of the following numbers:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat 

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling 

If in immediate danger: 000 

[8ppleTree]

Hi @AL0007 

Thank you for reaching out and sharing some of your story. I'm sorry to hear that you've struggled with all that for so long. I'm glad to know that you are being looked in on now. You deserve care and attention, it's ok. Your loved ones need you. Please know that you were born special, like every child, and that doesn't change. The world is better for you being here. 

Each small step adds up. Yes, you can have an amazing life as you go through your healing and recovery. 

Hope you're doing a bit better today? 🩵