Lived Experience Forum

[creative_writer]

@tyme I don’t know why I want someone to validate and see me too. I guess I don’t want to cry alone again and I want to be held but maybe I need to learn to hug and cry on my own shoulder because people aren’t reliable and I only get hurt.

[tyme]

Once you learn to validate yourself, you may find you won't cry as much @creative_writer - that's what happened for me.

I spent years crying and crying and crying... no one could 'save me'. I had to do it myself. I had to learn to self-soothe. I had to learn I couldn't rely on others. Yes, I had others around me, but I couldn't RELY on them.

This takes time to learn...but it is definitely achievable.

You are NOT alone.

I found these forums most valuable in that I was empowered to take control. The peer to peer relationships was a way to give me hope. Tell me that I CAN take the reins and make a difference.

You can too!

[creative_writer]

@tyme it’s not just about validation. It’s about feeling safe, I want to feel safe around a person for once and not feel like I have to have my guard up all the time. It’s not about wanting someone to save me but wanting someone to support me while I work on myself. But I tell myself I’ll only be disappointed if I long that. Because the small child in me says that I must deal and fix this by myself, I can’t let people help me because I’ll get hurt.

[tyme]

I used to think the same @creative_writer - longing for connection yet petrified of getting hurt. 

It has taken time, but one things that stuck with me was - if you want relatioships, you need the good and the bad that come with it. That is, if you want the connection, belonging and satisfaction that comes with relationships, you need to be prepared to get hurt sometimes. This was the stark reality I had to learn. 

I actually read it in a book. If I find the excerpt, it explains it much better than what I can....

[creative_writer]

@tyme it’s just that I don’t ever feel emotional safe. Like what if the other person judges me? Misunderstands me? Or worse is abusive. Nobody can hurt me alone.

[tyme]

True @creative_writer  - no one can hurt you when you are alone... except yourself. 

Whatever I'm saying is through experience. Please don't think this is true for all. As someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, I was really my own worst enemy.

When alone, i hurt myself by not letting myself feel the warmth of another human being. When I am alone, I hurt myself by letting my mind wind down dangerous paths to SH thoughts. When I am alone, I deny myself of the laughter that comes with interacting. When I am alone...I am alone. If I fall, there is NONE to pick me up.

[creative_writer]

@tyme I think I am also afraid of feeling alone surrounded by people that I rather self-isolate. But then I never let people in, so how can I not feel alone? I practically avoid relationships because it feels so much safer. I know I take it to an extreme. I fear emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. I never want to come across as needy and clingy because I grew up with the independent mindset. Sometimes I feel like my mum clings too much to me me it becomes suffocating. She is really emotional too so I feel like I need to be careful with what I say so she doesn’t become overly emotional and worried. My dad is also on the protective side. I dealt with a lot of inner pain by myself since I was a child because that was the safest way to cope. I had no peers to talk to, I was bullied for years. I was called “too sensitive” much of my life.

It feels less painful to be alone than to feel lonely around people because it feels more acceptable to feel lonely when alone.

[tyme]

Found it @creative_writer . Excerpt from The Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris. I’m just reading it again…..wow….

[tyme]

You are honestly writing EVERYTHING about my former life @creative_writer - fear of relationships, growing up independent, finding parents too clingy....

You are 100% describing ME

[creative_writer]

@tyme reading the excerpt. It is true everyone is imperfect and we even sometimes hurt the people we care about accidentally. But I think there is this general concept that one wants to feel safe around the other person, and I feel like I struggle with that. The the people I feel safest to are not driving distance so even if I could potentially form closer friendships I just can’t. People closer by just don’t seem to click as well.