Something has changed and I don't know what to make of it

[Jlol]

Hi all,

A bit of background: I have been told I've had depression for 25 odd years, but it most likely is childhood trauma. I've tried many medications, counselling, and psychology and never had any successful results, probably because all this is not geared toward childhood depression. This manifests its self as uncontrollable existentialism, depression, and stress. And I do mean uncontrollable - if I hit a depressive trigger (which could be anything) then there is nothing I can do to slow it, mitigate it, distract myself, manage it, etc. It's like I'm just along for the ride.

Anyway, I'm just saying that to illustrate how I usually am. But recently, over the last month or so, something has changed and I'm not sure if I should be worried about it or not.

Basically, I've just stopped caring about everything. I've stopped bothering to eat properly, clean the unit, exercise, pay bills, try and do hobbies etc. I don't really do anything at all anymore other than work and sleep. I even started to work late into the evening because "what else am I gonna do anyway"?

All that sounds bad, but accompanying this is a broader sense of calm like I haven't felt in years. It's like the guilt and pressure of always trying to do the "right thing" - exercise, eating well, maintaining friendships, etc - has just broken me and I've given up and stopped them altogether.
The thing is, these things are all meant to be healthy and good for you. But I feel significantly better just not doing them and essentially doing nothing at all. This shouldn't make sense. I should be feeling better after exercising and eating a healthy meal, but instead, for around a month now, I feel mentally better doing nothing at all, eating barely anything, and just going straight to bed or working.

Why the hell is this?

[snowflake231]

@Jlol @You've just described pretty much how I'm feeling. I just don't care anymore. I will watch the replies here hoping for some insight. I don't have any suggestions sorry. 

[rav3n]

hey @Jlol i'm glad to hear you feel a bit calmer. you mentioned that the "guilt and pressure of always trying to do the right thing" broke down and you've stopped trying altogether... sounds like that's what's changed - that pressure seems to have lifted off your shoulder. 

i've had a similar shift before too. the pressure from my family/society just broke me down and i ended up just not caring anymore, i realised i'd been doing things for others and not myself. it felt sorta relieving, not doing things that others expected from me. my sleep cycle changed, i barely exercised, i didn't eat too well - and it felt good at the start, but i will say, i did end up facing the consequences of those actions later on - my hormones and health flew all over the place (had digestive issues due to diet), my memory started getting foggy, and my energy levels started dropping (due to the poor sleep and eating habits) and i got burnt out again. i started to feel disconnected from everything in a new way. 

it made me reflect and realise that the pressure i felt was because i grew up being taught to do things to make others happy or to not upset my parents or because that's what 'we're supposed to do', etc. i never learnt to do it for me, i never truly thought of the consequences (i.e. more health problems = more money spent for appts, tests and support, which was weirdly a motivator for me to look after myself) and due to my low self esteem, i didn't really see myself as worthy enough to take care of. this is sorta where my psych came in, she helped me to see the importance of having a balance and treating ourselves with kindness and grace. we don't need to eat healthy everyday, or exercise everyday - there's room to make mistakes or make adjustments, etc. maybe it's different for you, but i think the not caring can go 2 ways - it'll either motivate you to give up on your current routine and transform it into a new one that does work for you long term, or it may go down a riskier route where feelings of hopelessness or numbness may persist and might lead to more health problems. 

to me, it sounds like you've given yourself a much needed break and permission to not be perfect (which you deserve!! humans are imperfect beings, we all need a break!) do you see yourself maybe creating a new routine that's more balanced for you? (i.e. rather than cutting out exercise completely, maybe doing it 2-3 times a week or even doing stretches at home/work regularly when you don't have time)

also apologies for long post, i only realised it now - there's no pressure to respond to it all!

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