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Something’s not right

BryanaCamp
Senior Contributor

Friendship problems

I'm struggling from a lot of anguish in my friendships. Am I the only one who finds it difficult to maintain friendships?

 

I've worked very hard to develop a small circle of friends and it just seems to be getting harder not easier.

 

One friend, I have given my unconditional support to for the past 12 months. He has suffered from a broken heart for over 12 months and I have always been there to give emotional support and empathy and encouragement. He said I was a good listener & not like other people who can't listen & just get bossy. I found I had to dig deep to give that support but gave it because I cared for my friend & know what it's like to need a good listener. He has also had health problems for the past 12 months. Again, I have given unconditional support to him, going to the pharmacy for him when he couldn't physically get there himself, fetching food for him and driving him to places he couldn't get to.

 

Then after all that he has not reciprocated anything in return. New Year's is a very difficult time for me and I needed him to be there for me but he refused to come, saying he had to save his energy and time for other people. Then the next day he posted photos on facebook of him having a great old time with his ex-boyfriend (the one that broke his heart). He said he was too busy & had no time for me all summer. Finally, he agreed to meet me for dinner this last week and then at the very last minute, when I was just arriving at the restaurant, he cancelled. I had driven all the way over to the other side of town to meet him.

 

Am I an idiot for being nice to this person who obviously doesn't respect me? I feel used and really angry and frustrated.

 

I have other friends but those relationships all seem fraught with difficulty too - one friend keeps asking me for lifts because he doesn't have a car and it's very stressful for me to battle through all that traffic to get to his side of town and I worry I'm just being an idiot and getting used again. Another friend seems to want to do psychotherapy on me and when I try to ask her to stop she just says "why?" instead of listening. My psychiatrist suggested looking up old friends from before I got unwell but when I contacted them no-one replied.

 

I feel like a big fat loser who no-one wants to spend time with. Am I just letting myself get exploited by users or am I a good friend? I can't afford to just cut off from my 'friends' because then I'll go back to the problem of being really lonely and isolated.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: Friendship problems

@BryanaCamp Hi BryanaCamp friendships are a tough one for most people with an mi ..... I have difficulties in that department so I might not be the best person to speak to regarding this topic. You sound like a lovely friend who has been taken advantage of unfortunately. You can broaden your friendship circle by going to activities through a variety of clubs eg: what ever your interests are be it cycling or running etc. Those are good ways to meet up with people.

 

Local mental health groups othen hold classes in art like pottery or drawing. Same with community colleges.

 

Ditch these people and open yourself up for true friendships and you know you will always have friends on the Sane forum so you will never be alone.

 

greenpea xxx

Re: Friendship problems

@BryanaCamp Hello and Welcome to the forum.  Relationships are work, but if you are giving too much without reciprocation, then turn elsewhere. I dont say cut them off, but shift your focus towards those who are more ready or able to give.   

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Re: Friendship problems

thanks for your replies @Appleblossom  and @greenpea 

 

I agree it's best not to burn bridges impulsively just because I'm angry. I have worked too hard to develop my friendship circles to just ditch them, I think that would be impulsive & self-destructive. I've been giving some distance to the friends who hurt me and spending time with other friends, trying to develop those friendships. It's been going well, one friend even told me how much she valued my friendship. And I'm going to a meetup this weekend where I'll meet some new people. So things are looking good. I'm finding it's best to maintain as big a support network as I can and best to maintain as many friendships as I can because then I get invitations to group gatherings and they are really good for my well being.

 

I saw my friend who stood me up last night at a group event & didn't feel the need to confront them. I was able to just let it flow under the bridge. I was wiser than before and didn't make an effort to give a lot to them & be really supportive, I just kept calm and collected. I noticed she didn't make any attempt to talk to me or ask how I was or what I was up to, so that was interesting... so be it. I'm prepared to remain polite to her as she is part of that group who I enjoy.

Re: Friendship problems

Great @BryanaCamp 

You are processing things really well.

 

I have a few ideas but am not great at in social settings. I am maintaining a social presence, and learning to adapt and go with the flow, and also last week a lady who had been nasty and standoffish for 10 years decided to join my little group of 4. I managed to be calm and polite and not ruffle feathers.

Take Care

 

 

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