This is the only place I come, just write and get on with things as best I can. I guess complicated grief and loss is just that. Grieving over surviving people is just as hard as grieving people that are no longer around. I've been through that grief a few times.
This grief is different. There is no acceptance yet. Who knows maybe never. My complicated grief us about the deep pain and anguish of letting my last two family members I had left go. Mother and sister. Consequently it meant I lost my ray if sunshine automatically, no matter how hard I tried to hold onto her. There is not a single person on this planet that knows nor could possibly understand the love I had/have for my niece. There are no different client words to ease that pain for me.
It got to the point where I could not take the abuse anymore. 40 years of it and I just could not anymore. There were no other choices left. I'd exhausted all my choices and all the chances. It's been just over ten months and I have not heard anything from any of them. It's hard to accept.
It's the grief and the loss for the false sense if security of family. Gosh I wanted family so much. I had a running belief for so long that I had to keep them together so we could be a family. Roles that were put me on me as a child. My mind is still quite messed up. The damage to me has been immense. The abuse was immense. The thing is I now painfully understand I cannot seek love, safety and refuge with people who don't love me, don't care about my safety and don't care about providing me with a place I can go to be supported and safe.
It took me a long time to see it. I though the issue was me. It has only been in the last five years that I started to see it for what it was. Today there is no contact. It's safer for me. It's better for me. I can't be abused anymore. Unfortunately a large part of society still thinks that family is everything. Perhaps they did not have a life like mine? Who knows really.
I have nightmares. Horrid memories and flashbacks. They are not pleasant. Reminding myself that it is the present time and the past us not happening now can take a bit of getting used to. Who likes living there? It was hell and then some. I'm not there anymore. Yet, there is still much loss and grief to deal with. I think sometimes....wow you know it's been ten months and not once have any of them got in touch since I left. I tend to go make excuses for them like I always did. I'm slowly not doing that anymore. To say it has not broken my heart is a lie. My heart is broken. My mother said to me in 2019, early in 2019 I understand why we cannot be a family. She said it after she was leaving from a visit with me. My heart broke some more that day. I wanted to beg for it to change, that there was hope that we could work it all out and for once I just said no more. I think just everything that could have been sucked out of me for 40 years was all gone and I actually had nothing left.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN