Lived Experience Forum

[Jen21]

Hi 😊

I am new here and not too sure how all this works. But here goes…

At 42 I went through depression and an anxiety disorder. I got the depression under control with meds but have never really escaped the anxiety. What had evolved from that was what my psychiatrist thought was Delusional Disorder. I was never convinced and after researching I feel that I may have Paranoid Personality Disorder. I have sent a referral to psychologist and yet to see them. 

Why I think I have this is because I accuse my husband of many things with other faceless women. I have never had any evidence yet I still accuse. I can take littlest snippets of information and build a whole scenario from it. It then becomes all consuming. The anxiety kicks in, I’m consumed with the thoughts etc. until I explode with accusations. 

I met my husband when I was 15. I am now 58. Apart from my problem, we have a successful marriage. But, the accusations are taking its toll on my husband and I’m afraid of losing him as this has been going on for 16 years. 

Has anyone else had a problem similar to this or any experience similar?  I’m at wits end. No antipsychotic medication seems to work. It helps a bit with the anxiety but that’s about it. 

Thank you for this platform to be able to express. 

Jen x

[AussieRecharger]

Morning @Jen21 

First off, Congrats on your long marriage so far.. there must be a lot of good in your marriage for it to have lasted this long.  So you have been living with this for the last 15 years? 

Can you tell us a little bit more about your life? Do you work, have any hobbies, or have a social circle?

The biggest thing I worry about when I see a post such as yours is that your whole life revolves around your husband and anxiety builds due to putting all your eggs in one basket scenario hence why I ask about above.  

[Jen21]

Hi Aussierecharger 😊

I have been a real estate agent for 20 years (yes, I’m a stayer in all things in my life). I love to crochet as you have to count and it helps with the over thinking. My social circle is very limited. People quite frankly don’t want to be friends with me. I don’t know, maybe I’m too intense. If hubby and I go out, it usually ends ugly. I see him checking out other women etc ( my perspective mind you). I have a fantastic boss that I treasure. My life does revolve around my husband. I have had this illness for approximately 16 years and so over the pain it causes. I do leave my happiness in my husbands hands. As wrong as that is, I do it. When I accuse him of anything, it hurts him and quite understandable and he does get angry with me. That turns me upside down. Regret is a harmful emotion. Thanks for listening. So much appreciated. I don’t talk to anyone about this and hubby doesn’t understand. I feel that here may be a good thing for me x

[tyme]

Hey @Jen21 ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums! It's great to have you connect with us. 

I know you mentioned you were referred to a psychologist. How did that go?

I can relate somewhat in terms of the paranoia that comes with a personality disorder. I experienced something similar. I would be paranoid that people were scheming against me or doing things behind my back. However, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and I think part of this paranoia stemmed from my lack of self-identity and mistrust of others. 

Fast forward a few years, I'm still here. The paranoia and anxiety around people has dissipated. I had intensive mentalisation based therapy and the paranoia sort of fell away. by being able to mentalise and consider people's thoughts and behaviours in a more helpful way, I've been able to be in a much better place. However, the therapy was a very slowwwww process. It was intense and a huge commitment. Hence I was asking about how your psychologist appointments have been.

See you around!

[Jen21]

Hi tyme

im hoping to hear today in regards to a psychologist. I have childhood trauma and I was adopted. Apart from a couple of minor bouts with depression, when I was 42, the paranoia started and has progressed. I’m hoping to be given meds to help as what I am on doesn’t seem to work. I feel some kind of therapy may help me as well. Thank you for taking the time to respond 😊

jen21

[tyme]

It's good to be able to work through some of what you have been going through. It doesn't sound easy, but if there's been suppressed trauma, it can affect a person years on. @Jen21 

What's impressive is that you've got such incredible insight into what's happening for you. You've been able to see that things are not working and you are seeking change. That is one of the hardest steps in terms of recovery and for things to improve. 

Well done 🙂

I look forward to hearing how your sessions go.

[RoseGeranium]

@Jen21 I would like to also congratulate you for your great insight into what is going on and it's wonderful that you're seeing a psychologist.  It sounds as though the antipsychotics might not be working for whatever it is that you do have, so talk therapy is the next best thing for you to choose from.

I really hope it all goes well.  I'm sorry to hear about your trauma.  

My social circle is a bit limited too and I remember to create a kind of chart to separate out who has more time for me and who can't be relied on as much.  That stops me from flipping out at friends and puts pressure off and partners or caregivers to be the number one person giving me love in my life.  It's great to have that special someone, but they can't carry all of the love that we need for ourselves.

I bet you're already kicking goals with therapy.  Well done.

🙂 Rose.

[Jen21]

Thank you rose

i am yet to see a new psychologist. I hope I kick goals. I have found this forum after just one day, to be amazing. Loving the support and feedback here 😊

[tyme]

Thank you for that feedback. @Jen21 .

As you navigate the forums a bit, you may be able to connect with some of SANE's other services such as our:

1) Weekly Peer Group Chat on Thursday evenings - live chat on a separate platform

2) Guided Service - 1:1 support and groups support over a 14 week period.

3) Drop-In line (Talk to a MH professional) - phone support available M-F 8am-10pm on 1800 187 263

All these services are free of charge.

By connecting with others on the forums, I hope you feel less alone in your recovery.

We are here to support you.

[AussieRecharger]

@Jen21 -   

I hate it when we can be in a world full of so many people and feel so alone so i get it when you talk about small social circles. 

The way how the brain works is reinforced patterns, so if you continue to live in a way where you are constantly jealous and looking at what others have and not what you provide, you are going to reinforce those thinking patterns and I get the feeling that if your husband is responsible for your happiness, it also means you blame him for it when you are not happy (such as when you feel he is looking at another person who he could make happy. Your response is unfortunately negative though so it's a lose/lose response in which it leaves you both feeling bad about the relationship after.) 

This is going to take a lot of work for you and seeking help will be the start of a long process.  I wish you good luck.