Lived Experience Forum

[Idk3008]

Hi I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but there are a lot of things I have deliberately not shared with my psych or doctor or so on because of my interior monologue,(which sometimes makes me want to rip my head of so it will just stop!) because of the elaborate scenarios I create in my head from the idea of sharing certain things, but in the past month I have really drawn my attention to just how intrusive and silly my thoughts and actions can be, and I have never considered to have OCD because of the I guess the perception of it as a clean freak and so on, but in my research trying to understand why I feel so crazy sometimes OCD has sometimes popped up and I've learnt just how much more complex it really is, so because of the anxiety talking about this to a professional brings me i thought I would write some of the things I think/do/ obsess over as it's a lot easier writing anonymously to a group than talking to a doctor.

So to start of with , my interior monologue! It constantly gives me a headache and I can't make it stop , there are voices arguing over each other(they're my own monologue,but often feel like 100 different opinions) critisibf me,assuring me,having back and forth arguments over a situation and by the end of it sometimes i can hate someone over "what they apparently think of me or how they talked to me " when it was a conversation in my own head and they've done nothing wrong, all while this is happening I also always have some song playing in my head over the top

This second point is defenitly something I've avoided saying to a professional from anxiety of them thinking I was vain and not taking me seriously, it's all about my appearance but it's more complicated than just how I look, I have an anxiety attack just thinking about answering the door without makeup and perfectly dressed and hair straight and everything perfect just for the mailman because but I can still never get it right even if I do all that, the whole experience my ears will be ringing so that I don't even hear hardly what they're saying because I'm so anxious and once it's over I'll obsess if it all day and replay it in my head and this is the sort of compulsion part is after that I have to sit for hours looking at makeup online and adding things to my cart even when I've usually got no money , which sounds ridiculous but it's about this thing I create in my head that it's okay if mail man experience was terrible because I'm going to buy this beauty thing and make myself perfect and I almost sort of daydream while I'm shopping about being perfect and it makes me feel calm, if I don't have Internet or a phone I'll sit there and imagine up ulta egos that I'll tell myself I'll take on like characters that are perfect and have they're shit together or I'll remove blackhead and pimples that don't exist until my face looks horrible and red and on multiple occasions I've ruined my skin so much that I've created bad scars that haven't healed for weeks but Idk why I do it it make me feel better,

At this point I never leave this house and on the very rare occasion I do I'm basically always using all my energy to stop myself from having an anxiety attack on public and when I get home I can't stop thinking about it and have to perform the same actions as above to make myself feel okay

When I get anxious I'll usually harm myself in a repetitive way , not anything horrible but I'll rock back and forth or hit the back of my head on something repetitively or one time when I was having an intense anxiety attack I repetivly scratched my leg with my nail in the same place , I ended up creating a whole in my leg

In the past I've obsessed over having schitzophrenia and I've also made myself sick with fear about herpes and that's led onto me convincing myself that I could have them and not even know to the point I cried for a week when in reality I definetly didn't have them and there was nothing that would convince a normal person that I did but I some how create mountains out of not even mole hills, with so many things and obsess over them.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Idk3008 and welcome to the forums.

I am glad you have found us and shared your story.  

It sounds as if you are tired of living this way and would like some help to get these behaviours sorted out, and get live to a place of being easier to manage.   While I am no expert, I believe that is one of the hallmarks of OCD ..... an awareness that something is wrong / very uncomfortable, and you want to be over all the controlling thoughts and behaviours you’re experiencing.

The reason it is a good idea to raise these things with your doctors is that there will be educational classes you can go to that help you to understand why you are behaving this way ..... what else this condition is related to ..... and how to view it “from the outside” ie separate it from who you are ..... and from there, learn some management skills for moving forward.  That will include recognising signs that you need to apply certain strategies .... head the behaviours off at the pass, sort of thing.

The first thing to do is to make an apt, and set off from there, breaking it down into baby steps as you find out what is next.

[Bubbles3]

Wow @Idk3008

It seem like a lot is going on for you right now.
I dont have any answers as im not in your position. And never have been.
I dont know about OCD either.

But i do hope other forum members , when they wake up will be able to help you.

Stick around , you will get some help.