Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Thinking of you @Owlunar  ❤️
hi @Former-Member  hope you're ok tonight 

Xxoo 

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member 

It would be great to have someone bring me a coffee and arrange my pillows for me - and then get that wheat pack into the right place for my shoulder - that would be wonderful - 

And I am glad you like the Cyclops pic too - I will see if I can find another one I haven't posted yet - I really enjoy that art-form - changing the filters on a photo of the sky which is always changing

I have taken things really quietly over the weekend - I really did some damaged to my muscles and mostly my left shoulder - I need to see a shoulder specialist but he is hard to get onto atm with COVID-19 - what is going to hit us all in a major way at some stage and for me it's elective surgery - I am not having a shoulder replacement if I can get away with it - I was told in 2017 I needed a knee replacement but it's still working - my pain specialist does magic injections with local anasethic and I need to be in hospital to have them in my spine again - hopefully elective surgery will catch up by July when I see him again

Tough bones - ah yes - falling like that is a rough way to prove it though - a bone scan would e easier - it is true that what we do when we are young helps our bones to develop strength as dones a good diet with calcium - when we are young mostly

I didn't know it was your birthday a couple of days back - many happeries - I know things are not fun at home most of the time but at least we can hope for each other

I certainly appreciate you and I am sure others here do too. It may be and unsure area for you - I have been thinking a lot lately and some of that thought is about how we perceive ourselves. I know I have not always been appreciated - I am a rather extroverted being and also know tend to be charismatic so I have learned to appreciate myself rather than wait for anyone else to tell me - but oh I do like to be told and therefore appreciate what you have told me in your post - truly

But there was a time when I was very vulnerable and knew I was being manipulated in the social situation I was in irl - it suited me for a time - years passed actually - but it all reached a stage where I knew I had enough being manipulated and I guess people didn't appreciate the real me - I had moved past being so vulnerable and I went somewhere else and although I made new friends I never allowed anyone to manipulate me again

I don't feel bad about the way I coped with social life in the past and I never saw how gifted I was until I was seeing a therapist after my mother died - 

@Former-Member 

Whoops sorry - I wrote a lot more than this - as I clicked Post - I got a warning from my computer which gobbled up the rest of my message - so this is unfinished but I have to stop writing now and I will try and finish this later - I'm glad this much was autosaved

Dec

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Former-Member 

Whatever I wrote before - it was pretty good and it took me a long time to write it - I'm not sure if I can write it again - bt let's see

When I saw a therapist after my mother died I said that I felt I didn't have self-esteem but after talking with her I realised that all my life since I was old enough to start making my own decisions I had made good ones - even those my parents didn't like were still my choices and although things were very difficult for a long time I was in charge of my life and it was worth it.

When we change our behaviour the people around us at the time may not like that and want to change us back to what we were - and now that doesn't matter to me. Anyway - what happened after I fell last Wednesday really showed me that what other people think and feel is not my business and I can't do anything about that. I can only maintain my own values and opinions

On Wednesday a nurse came out to check how I was - by the time she arrived I had managed to get to my feet and was able to walk around. She thought I was okay and hadn't borken anything. I agreed.  I needed a bit of sympathy - it didn't come from her. I have no idea what she was thinking and that doesn't matter.. I certainly know that I will get to my feet and won't lay on the floor when I can get up and I look a lot younger than I am. I was shaken up and  really flaky and I have no idea what she imagined I wanted but that's not important. I know my fall was genuine and not an attempt to get attention. My opinion of myself is the most important thing

I did need a sypathetic voice  - the person on duty at the company rang me back and was surprised that the nurse had already left and she was the person who listened to me for a few minutes. 

So - I am writing a lot about everyone's self-esteem or lack of it - what causes us to develop a good opinion of ourselves? - what helps us to be our own best friend? I am trying to work this out and if you have any ideas I would love to hear them.

Okay Sherry - I did write this again and this is a better draft - I hope you are okay tonight

Sending hugs

Dec

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Owlunar ... I hope you are feeling okay today. I assure you that if I were anywhere near where you live, I would be there in a flash to keep you company, bring you a hot cuppa, to plump your pillows, heat up your wheat packs and take you to appointments as needed. 🌺 But of course I cannot, and I know you are a very independant lady and will cope just fine without me. 😊👍

Yes of course good levels of calcium builds good strong bones, and I think in our early years its just as important. We all lose bone mass as we age, but if you have a good healthy mass before you start to lose it .. then you have to be ahead .. right? I have always loved milk, yoghurt, cheese, etc. Being born on a farm and growing up there, we always had a milking cow and had fresh milk. Use to seperate the milk to make cream and butter etc. Always a big milk drinker, and love my cream of course. Not great for the waistline of course, but good for the bones. And thankfully I was always a very active, sporty and skinny kid. So I never put on any weight. I think nervous energy uses everything up now, and I remain very lean.

Are you an extrovert Dec? I would not necessarily have guessed that. Not sure why. I am the opposite,  very definitely an introvert ... sometimes painfully so. I definitely see you as charismatic however ... and I think thats a lovely way to be. I'm not ... I'm the one hiding in the corner, afraid to take part in conversations. Tending to be somewhat remote from gatherings. Definitely uncomfortable in a crowd, and prefer my own company most of the time.

I'm sorry to hear that you have felt in a vulnerable position in the past, and have been manipulated. Not at all a nice situation to find yourself in. I am glad you realised, and have ensured it doesnt happen again. You are one very strong, intelligent and knowing woman. 👍

I'm really glad you were able to redo your long post, previously lost .. even better than the original draft. 😊

Remember though, that however strong we all may be ... there are always times we may need just a little bit of sympathy and assitance from others. Independance is a wonderful thing, but we also need to know when a helping hand is both practical and essential. 💕

Self love and acceptance is something I need to work hard on. I know my faults very well, but we are not always able to change who we are. And sometimes its very hard to see our own strengths, thus undervaluing ourselves a great deal. I know I have some good qualities, but often they are not what others are wanting.

I did not have a good day yesterday .. continuing difficulties in my own head. A number of unexpected triggers, culminating in the usual hypervigilance, anxiety, fear, lack of sleep etc. Not good at all. But I will get through it .. as I always do.

Thank you for your usual thought provoking banter @Owlunar .

Sherry 💕

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member 

Am I really an extrovert? Yes - some of the time - I am a musician and used to play the guitar before I got so much arthritis in my hands - I used to stand up and sing playing my guitar and even did stand up comedy at times - I have had an incredibly interesting life - with all it's light and shadow - a fantastic life. I would not change it because the dark and the light made me who I am and I like who I am - and this is a rare state of life to be in - 

But I can be introverted too and because I am alone so much I have learned to live in my own skin and feel okay about it. I had to make some hard choices through my life and these choices did not make other people happy. I have had to break from toxic family members and after 30 years of being alone I am glad I have chosen this path for myself. I made a bad choice when I married - and I can't see I would ever have found my feet had I not ended it. My own mother too - because she was so narky - I wouldn't put up with it. It's hard to draw a line in the sand because of other people's bad behaviour - that sand can turn into concrete - but for our own well being sometimes we have to do it. 

Anyway - today my shoulder has been hurting me in a big way - I can manage this - I left a message for my doctor and I made an appointment with the shoulder specialist next week - there's nothing I can do now except take medication when it's necessary and sit it out - which I can do. It takes a long time to learn this - I don't know if it's a case that when we get older we have more things in our bodies that hurt or if it has something to do with pain tolerance but it's okay with me - I am not enjoying myself at all but I will be okay because I always am

Enough of that. 

Yes - there are times when we need a bit of TLC and some help - today I had a phone call from the agency that sends the nurses when we need help at home as I did last week - was that a coincidence or just happenstance? I didn't want to report the nurse who was here for her lack of support but I did make a statement about it so this person could be counselled so she could be better for someone else. That was good - I think - I am not worried that I had to say something but rather sorry that it had to happen that way.

There was a time when I was vulnerable and I knew I was being manipulated by some people - and because I am often extroverted and what some people might call the centre of attention - those people didn't like it. I had grown out of my vulnerable state as I gradually recovered from my son's death and became more assertive and things became uncomfortable for me where I was so I moved on - I was accepted somewhere else. I always find my feet and there will always be someone who doesn't like that but I care less now - and that is a better state of being.

I have felt enough of other people's criticism to understand that you would be the one in the corner - had we ever been in the same room I would probably have seen you and walked out with you and made a coffee date. I would have seen you had a story. I would want to know what it is - and still do - and you have shared a lot on line with me. I appreciate this. I imagine we all have little gardens or rare and gentle plants in our hearts and souls - too often people crash in with muddy tradie boots and walk all over the tiny, precious beings within us all. 

When my son was alive I was in the path of a million criticisms - the way he behaved and the way I was rearing him - there were gentle people in my life then who would speak to me quietly in private - I know - had you been there you would have been one of them. I understand something of you - you have been hurt through life and you want to avoid more pain - I really do know how this works inside us.

My thought-prevoking banter - I like this Sherry - I think I have written enough for now - it's a beautiful afternoon and I think I would like a short walk before it gets cold again

I really like you and care a great deal

Dec

[Former-Member]

You were a muso @Owlunar  ... wow, you really have led a very varied and interesting life havent you!  What sort of music did you play, and what sort of music do you like now?

I made a bad choice when I married too Dec.  Given I was 37 when I married, I think had I not been in such a vulnerable state some 18 months after the rape, I would probably never have married my current husband.  I would have seen through him and see him for the narcissist that he is.  But at the time he seemed so strong, so caring, so decisive, so protective ... all the things I desperately needed back then. And I was blinded, or perhaps chose to ignore, all the warning signs that were presenting themselves even early on in our courtship.  

You mentioned that your shoulder was hurting big time yesterday.  I hope the medication you have for that, has helped to deaden the pain to a bearable level by today.  

You mention that as we get older, we have more things in our bodies that hurt. That is definitely the case .. there is little doubt that our parts wear out ... unfortunately we are not like a car where we can pick up spare parts as required.  Although I guess we are going part way to that ... with hip and knee replacements, and kidney, liver, lung and heart transplants.  Isnt medical science a wonderful thing?  But all those little niggles, I dont think anything can really be done about those.   Normal wear and tear and time for a trade in. 😂

Its good that you received a follow up call from the agency who came to your aid after your fall last week.  Nice to know that they take constructive comments seriously.

Its really good Dec that you have the confidence to really be yourself. It sounds as though your sons tragic death was a catalyst to move on and to become who you are much more comfortable in being.  I'm not comfortable in showing others who I really am.  So I am one thing to family, one thing to husband, and to me ... well I really dont know.  Its not something I have ever really discovered.  I dont know who I am.  Its as though, those around me .. mould me into what they want.  And I'm malleable (or stupid) enough to accommodate, without a will of my own.  I never used to be like that.  Its only after my trauma, and then continued DV trauma, that I have become this 'nothing' person. I think its all taken away the 'me' of who and what I am.  I suppose all that feeds into your comments about self acceptance. We cannot always be all things to all people.  And yet, in order to be accepted or acceptable, we try.  And when constantly being told we are not good enough, then we know we have failed, both them and ourselves.

I would definitely talk to you if I knew you in real life ... although I may prattle on like an extrovert here, in real life I talk very little.  But I am a very good listener.  And people I dont even know, tend to walk up to me in the street and tell me their problems.  I dont know why that is. 

I'd best leave it at that I think.  I'm a little reluctant to talk at all today.  Something I wrote yesterday, an apology to managers and members, seems to have caused an avalanche of sorts.  Maybe I should have never said anything?  Although Nashy posted and said what a lovely post it was, which was nice.  I guess I never said anything wrong, but some of the results were very unexpected.

I expect you will be missing our mutual friend @Zoe7  ... I am worried about her, as I know many others here are too. I hope she will check in somewhere soon.

Okay, I must go. Please take care my special and multi talented friend.  

Sherry 💕

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member 

I have been very tired - I went to the podiatrist yesterday and my feet feel really good - I have a toenail that grows inward and needs clipping back - he said I have a high pain tolerance - yes - I agree - but when I got home I was so tired I went to sleep watching Scott Morison talking about the financial situation and then walked around outside for a little and then went to sleep again and - sheesh - pain management is exhausting work - and having a set-back like this is disappointing - I am seeing my doctor again this afternoon.

I read your post yesterday but I was too tired to do it justice - I rarely cry but I got a bit teary reading it - thinking about you losing yourself in a DV situation - you can't be everything to everyone - totally impossible - thinking of you doing that was really hard

I refused too - my ex-h was a Free Mason - and so was my father - in fact all the men in the family were - what a cook-up - they think they have a big secret and I am not sure that there is one - and although women are supposed to support their husbands in all this secret-men-stuff I was really fed up by this time managing a difficult child without his support and felt I needn't support him - and this drew tension from my mother who always did what my father wanted her too and I gradually gave up and more and more lived my own life

It's a hard change to make but yes - back then women seemed to support men more and maybe if the men are worthy it works well - I was so unhappy - I can understand how drained you must be - being one person for your husband, another for your family and someone else socially - I can understand that - it is really hard to emancipate ourselves from the system where women were always some man's property.

I have been doing a lot of research into this - a woman usually gives away her name when she marries someone - I did - I never thought about it - and when I separated from my husband I didn't take my faither's name back either and you would have thought the skies were falling - no - they didn't - I like the name I have now much better than any of the other's I have had - but what a fuss

I  know you have chosen to stay with your husband - and I understand and respect that - he does need you so walking away would be harder - though I would love it if you were able to stick up for yourself - and I get it that it's really hard. I am wondering if there are any groups for women in your situation - but even now - after sitting with my fingers over the keyboard I paused to think - how do you stand up to a man who is violent? I don't want to tell my story here but I wouldn't tolerate "stuff". I would be so angry I think I scared him and had the upper hand - but my situation was quite different and I wonder if domestic silence is a form of abuse and I think it is - but I have let that go long since

I was a classical pianist - I love classical music - and modern music too though I am selective - I didn't have a keyboard for years - I bought one a few years ago but I haven't been able to pick up where I was before I had to leave my old and retired piano behind - I have arthritis in my hands as I said and sight-reading is a gift I needed to have continued practising - but I still play - often working out my own harmonies and tunes that no one will ever hear but I enjoy it.

Thanks for mentioning @Zoe7  - I looked yesterday and notice she hadn't posted for a few days - hopefully she is taking some time for self-care which we all need to do sometimes

I'll catch up again soon and I think what you wrote to Nashy etc was fine - you spent time caring for yourself

Dec

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member @BlueBay @outlander @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @Appleblossom @TAB @MDT 

I'm just updating my shoulder issues - I went out with my shopping lady and the weather was beautiful and I have enough food in my fridge to enjoy for a week

But that was too much for my shoulder again and I will be seeing the shoulder surgeon on Tuesday and there are different operations I could have that aren't so dramatic as a shoulder replacement - even so - I really think pain-management is the best way to go and this doesn't need to be medication and although I are prepared to listen to the surgeon I am pretty sure surgery is a little extreme and dealing with life alone while my shoudler is out of commission is more than I want to consider - so let's wait and see and I can wait - time is going so fast - it is Friday again already

The pain was intense this afternoon but feels better this evening and my appetite has returned - it's time to eat - definitely

Dec

[TAB]

yes it makes me wonder @Owlunar  ..people think surgery is a panacea or font of youth, lots risks etc, I worked with a guy once who had had a hip replacement, he was not moving well and was in pain a lot , think he needed a different job not an operation

[Appleblossom]

@Owlunar 

Its hard when the body prevents us doing daily tasks.  You have already had surgery, so have some idea, and know surgery is def not magic. Plenty of consequences and considerations.

I spent more time in the gym today and my phsyio is working on strength building.  She got to check my cardio fitness ...lol ... yay for zero impact cross trainers etc ... my fitness is NOT good as it was ... lol. 

Keeping moving is important to me, as if I am too still, all the aches take over. We find our own way to manage best we can.

Cheers

Apple