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I had a really difficult conversation (actually 2) with my mother last night. I didn't wnat to mention it here until I had talked about it with my pdoc today. The basis premise of the conversations was that she wanted to complain to the department about the process that was undertaken when I returned to work last year. As you can probably all imagine this did not sit well with me. It is a time of my life that I got through and could hold my head high at the end of it despite how difficult and confronting it was.
I told her I didn't want to be involved in that r for my name to be associated with it. Her response was that they would put 2 and 2 together anyway. Basically she was asking for my permission to make the complaint and I was not comfortable with that. She called me again later in the night to see if she had upset me - which I said she had a little but I was over what happened last year. She continued to talk about it and I had to ask her to stop. She began crying and said she just cared about me to which I responded that it wasn't her experience to deal with and although I know she was very angry that I didn't want her to do anything more about it.
Talking through this with my pdoc she asked the simple question - does your mother often make it about her - which I had to answer yes. There have been so many times in my life that things have happened and she turns it inward upon herself and does not let me have the emotions I need around things. She did that so much when I was a kid and my father was violent towards me - somehow it was my fault because I should have known better or I 'knew what he was like' and then she would cry herself whilst no letting me do the same. Last night I felt like that child again until I rather assertively told her NO. SHe agreed to not take it any further and I honestly hope that is the end of it.
The fact that it came on the same day as I had had that positive discussion with the AP and Principal also made me feel that nothing in my life can be good on it's own and that there is always something that can squash those good feelings. This is something I need to continue to work with my pdoc and psych on - as well as the long term affects my relationship with my mother has had on me and why that equates to keeping so much to myself.
Self-care badly needed this afternoon. I am officially finishing DBT up in 2 weeks and although I need to I also know that is one support that I will no longer have. I will be continuing to see my pdoc fortnightly (weekly if I need) for some time before we begin to stretch those appointments out a bit more as well. She is worried about the upcoming possible change of school again, how I am coping with some things and my tendency to revert back to SI when things are really hard. I have definitely not been letting on here how tough it has been over the last month or so but SI has been prominent again. I am really hoping that finishing DBT and having that break in the middle of the week will help with my energy levels and coping mechanisms for the remainder of the week.
As the AP said to me last week - hour by hour and day by day - that is all I can do.
