I'm having a shit time with life at the moment. I have some choices and any one I choose is going to come with a compromise that will mean my life will still be shit. Disclaimer that my life objectively isn't shit, I'm actually very privileged, but I don't have the brain capacity to cope properly with the things I'm unhappy with.
I'm going to feel intense suffering and pain at some points whatever I do because that's just the way my brain works. I'm going to feel discontent and empty and want more and if I could ever actually achieve more, that probably still wouldn't end up being enough.
I could commit to significant and intensive therapy to try and work through it and find ways to better manage, but I won't. I'll have an episode, go to therapy, eventually feel better, stop therapy and think I won't need therapy again, have an episode again, rinse and repeat. No therapist I've seen has the training to follow through with a structured program that actually gets outcomes, and even if they did, I don't have it in me to commit to the work that needs to be done to sort my shit out. It's always a temporary fix.
I would like to be able to take my life but I can't do that because it would be so cruel to the people I love. It would make me a monster to condemn them to suffering and pain for the rest of their lives just because I couldn't cope with my own.
