Lived Experience Forum

[CheerBear]

That's a great response @Teej . Not a great way to feel though. Are you getting much rest?

Tricky question there about justifying yourself. Is it something you want to do? Something you'd feel better if you did? Something you feel you're being pressured into? Something that you feel OK about doing?

Is there a word that feels easier to sit with than justify? Maybe clarify/elaborate/establish...

How's that for answering a question with a question (or five 😳😆)! Maybe that adds some confusion and sorry if it does, but often I find digging around something uncomfortable and looking at it from different angles can help me work it out a bit and those are the kinds of questions I'd be asking myself I think.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Teej 

This is one of those wobbly areas for me, and your question made me stop and think, and ask why .....

I looked up the meaning of the term as a starting point -

phrase. to explain to someone the reason why you did something, especially when they think you have done something wrong. I don't see why I should justify myself to you. To give a reason or excuse for something:explain, argue, excuse...

It’s a validating of yourself, and I think it is important to speak up any time you feel the need to be validated ..... but that’s where it turns wobbly on my homefront.  To my in-law family, justifying yourself is translated as “making excuses for yourself”, because they don’t justify themselves, and choose to see it that way.

So, having decided that that is an area I need to reclaim, I make an effort to explain if I feel someone has misunderstood me .... as much out of respect for them as for myself ..... but the caveat is that you need to be interacting with someone who cares about others and how they feel.  

It is natural for me to justify, but I have learned that if I catch myself doing that with someone disinterested, I will simply stop.  That can be hard, but people like that are hard to deal with anyway.

Is this answer as clear as mud ?  Simple version is probably “any time you feel misunderstood.”

[Faith-and-Hope]

I like @CheerBear ‘s response @Teej , and I had to go through that sort of process to try to come to terms with why this was such a tricky (and painful) thing to understand.

[Teej]

Nothing better than answering a question with more questions to someone resting up in bed with man flu @CheerBear 😘

its something coming up lots at the moment in my life. It’s def not pressure as such although intense pressure I’m putting on myself for some of it. In the strangest way it is about identity. I was one to justify everything in the past. It was important to me for others to understand my reasons for doing things. Then I realised that some of my justifications were really excuses. The next stage started when I became unwell and the huge emotions I would experience when I was trying to justify something. 

Now im not sure what to justify and when. I think I use justify a bit like clarify. A few tricky things with my ex have come up as with something to do with the forum. They are both related to identity and integrity I think but keep asking myself what is it that I need from doing that. I know I’m overthinking it but one part has been going around and around for months an the ex stuff keeps cropping up. I keep getting advice about it but none of it seems authentic to me when faced with it. BUT I know that part is in my best interest so it’s confusing. 

[Teej]

Man I must be slow today. I just read your response @Faith-and-Hope . Giving it some thought too. 

[Appleblossom]

Such a thoughtful question @Teej 

and thoughtful responses by @Faith-and-Hope  and @CheerBear. Thanks it is all good grist for the mill.

I would add to the discussion the elements of self justification to oneself. ... or to another .... and the the degree of closeness they have to the situation .... so as in F&H eg.   if a person is not interested and we notice a feeling of needing to defend emerging ... maybe that person is aloof even hostile.

It is important to understand all sorts of the reasons and motivations for the way things are and the Way We are as Persons.

Sometimes we are more intense in defending ourselves, usually when there is pressure or attack ...  but amazing how human beings can turn mountains into mole hills and visa versa.

Sorry you feel s**t Teej.  

From a strengths based perspective. It is alright to keep working from a place which sees you in your situation in a positive light ... it can nurture and help bring out the best in us ... or anyone ...

Love Apple

[Faith-and-Hope]

Some of it is probably examining the right to look after yourself @Teej.  

My counsellor has zoned in on the fact that I have been in an environment where others have made me feel bad / guilty / selfish for taking care of myself or having opinions that differed from their own (communal) ideas ..... I don’t know whether that pertains to you too, and might be more to consider.

In that case, trusting yourself to practice justifying yourself in a safe way is a part of recovery and healing.

[Maggie]

@Teej  Do you think the other person is always right and you are wrong? I’m not meaning that you are wrong, just that you think you are?😕😕😮😮

[Teej]

Thanks @Appleblossom . 💜😘

At this point the things I want to say are probably not so much how the other people react (even my ex) but more an explanation. I guess one issue is about just responding and then letting go no matter the response to my ex. The other is about me trying to work out me and how to incorporate the parts of me. In a way I worry that it will appear the excuse justifying stuff. The truth is I know that I’ll continue changing over time and therefore what I write now may be something far from the truth later. I think it’s a little entwined with feeling like a different person everyday. So long story long I’m just confused. 

@Faith-and-Hope   I connected with this part especially 

"Simple version is probably “any time you feel misunderstood.”"

[Teej]

@Maggie  not so much in that way but I get what you mean. I am someone who often thinks I must have got something wrong but I am also a bit stubborn at times, especially in the past and fought a little too hard for something I was wrong on. 

Thanks for asking 💜😘