Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[wibblewobble]

Hey everyone, happy saturday!.

I've taken the dive and made an account, thought i would say Hi and see if any others have been in a similar situation or had some advice from those with experience with this kind of thing (I'll try and keep it brief).

My partner and I (both in our mid 30's) have been together for ~6 years, been an absolute blast and they're my best friend, both fiercely independant and with our own respective MH issues.

I've had clinnical depression & Anxiety since my mid teens which has been a continual strugge, some days are good, others are a tad more complex (yes, im medicated and manage it accordingly) .

My partner also deals with these same MH issues, along with a history of sexual, emotional & verbal abuse throughout their life (can say more, but this should be enough with context coming up below), which has also manifested as eating disorders, poor self esteem, CPTSD, etc (medicated with antidepressants for ~2.5 years now).

For the first 1-2 years things were great, however after having to interject to get my partner out of her living situation due to an abusive & toxic housemate, things took a turn and i found myself for the last ~4 years as basically the primary care giver, sole income, etc. there have been periods of time where depression would rear its head with my partner and the biggest goal of the day was making sure that they are able to get out of bed, have a shower and eat.

Due to the above, i've done what is needed to be done around the house, such as ensuring that washing is done, meals are cooked, daily odds and ends are sorted, etc. while i've never had a problem helping out a partner, etc, i feel like it's the least i can do to help to make sure they dont feel useless, i've kind of fallen into this and it seems to have become the new default (not to say that im doing the bare minimum, if there's anything i can do to help/support them i will without hesitation).

About 3 years ago, my partner started showing some signs of D.I.D, upon asking a friend who is a practicing psychologist, we found someone who was able to take my partner on as a client (focusing on the themes above) and utilising EMDR in combination with antidepressant medication. however any kind of emotional / physical intamacy in the relationship evaporated, we've attempted to go through alternative pathways to see if we can "rekindle" things, such as having dedicated time to reconnect through to attempting the sensate focus method/approach, it never really eventuated in anything as my partner basically said she wasnt ready.

Combined with all of this, i hit breaking point about 12ish months ago and found someone to speak to in an attempt to get some context and expand my toolkit on how to manage/deal, etc.as we went through it all, i was told in no uncertain terms "There's nothing much more we can discuss until your partner is ready to come on that journey with you". and we left it there.

It's now 12 months later, my partner has continued to make progress and success with her treatment, her daily life is night and day from where it used to be, she's been able to hold down a part time job, continue treatment and help out around the house (washing, cooking, cleaning, etc), but when approaching the intamicy side of things, im met with the same "im not ready" / "not with im working through in therapy", etc.

with all of that, im finding myslef in a situation that we're now 6ish years into a relationship, 4 with no intamcy in any form, while we've had discussions over the years about wants and needs, the topic of relationship counciling has come up, but is usually either met with "im not ready" or the wait lists for these services are months long. it feels like it's never going to change and im trapped.

While im fully aware that there's no "silver bullet" to these kinds of situations and relationships / people are just so complex, is there anyone who's had similar experiences? anyone able to offer suggestions?

Anyhow, Hope you're all doing well, Thanks for reading.

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @wibblewobble,
Welcome to the Forums! We are glad to have you. Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
It can take some time for responses sometimes - you can always try posting in another thread, too (for example, here).

You are going through a lot right now and deserve some good support. I hope this can be a safe and welcoming place for you. 

Take good care of yourself!

Kind regards,

Peregrinefalcon

[Daisydreamer]

Hi @wibblewobble and welcome to the SANE Forums.

Reading through your story, it sounds like you have been doing everything you can to support your partner, and you are seeing big leaps forward in her recovery.

I thought I might connect you in with a few other forum members who have recently posted about supporting a partner, or who you might see around the Friends, Family and Carers Forum. They might have some words of support to share with you @SJT63 @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Fuzy @Strivetothrive @Carlachris @warmsunhelps @db-2021 @HoneyOne @roses @Frankie33 @Mellysmellyelly 

[HenryX]

@wibblewobble 

Hello wibblewobble,

Reading your synopsis of the last few years is certainly difficult and I can sympathise with you in your situation.

You've indicated that you and your partner are “both fiercely independent and with our own respective MH issues.” It seems from what you have said that the background for the MH issues, that you both experience the effects from, stem from different reasons and causes.

It appears that you both have, apart from the intimacy issues, good communication between you. One of the first questions that arise for me is, “What are your respective expectations and aspirations for the future”.

You've had ~6 years together, that seems to have been enjoyed, for the most part, by you both.

On the third paragraph after the ~6 yr reference you have qualified your details saying “the first 1-2 years things were great...”, then the interjection regarding the “abusive and toxic housemate,...” then ~4 years as primary care-giver, sole income provider etc., and trying to provide support in the most basic personal care details, as well as the maintenance of most of the housekeeping tasks including cooking, laundry, general cleaning, etc. It appears to me that you have always been conciliatory towards your partner, and that the way that your relationship has developed seems inconsistent with the descriptor “fiercely independent”.

Then the D.I.D symptoms become apparent. Is it common for D.I.D symptoms to appear without other initiating stimuli? It appears to me that what you have described is a life for your partner of ever-decreasing pressure.

I notice that in the next paragraph, where you sought external help with the situation, there appeared to be an expression of exasperation from the person who “...told (you) in no uncertain terms "'There's nothing much more we can discuss until your partner is ready to come on that journey with you.'”

I wonder whether you have spoken with any female counsellor(s) in your search for answers? I ask, because men, even as counsellors, can sometimes be more prepared to be supportive of the female in relationships. That is not to say they would be antagonist toward you, the male, even by implication, but that a female counsellor may be more prepared to look equally, and possibly more objectively, (personalities not-withstanding) at the motivations of the male and female partners in a relationship.

Earlier in the relationship, there was the issue of your partner, who was then in between you and her “abusive & toxic housemate,....”. I wonder, is it possible that the housemate had been in much the same situation as you find yourself now, and had reached a similar point of exasperation. While your partner was then being defended by you as the 'knight in shining armour', she could possibly be seen as the “damsel in distress” and you were saving her from the wicked villain. In such a situation the housemate may or may not have warned you, or at least, given some small indication that you were sailing in dangerous waters. Any such recollections?

Obviously, there is not sufficient information in the details you have given to make any such assumption. However, it would be, I think wise, to at least test in your own mind whether this scenario, is not plausible. If it is, but you can counter that possibility with relative certainty, then you do have reason to continue your relationship with a feeling that whatever happens in that continued relationship, you are doing so for all the right reasons.

To get a couple of other perspectives on your situation you may find it interesting to look at the thread initiated by @thelorax entitled “Needing someone or somewhere to turn .. “ and another by @SJT63 entitled “H & S's Beautifully Written Philosophical Discussions - all welcome”.

Consideration of the suggestions that I have proposed will, I hope, give you the reassurance that your present course is appropriate and worthwhile or, alternatively, give you the opportunity to re-evaluate your position.

With My

Very Best Wishes

HenryX

@HenryX

Word added for clarity

[wibblewobble]

Hey HenryX, thanks for the reply.

going through your notes have given me much to think about over the last few days, appreciate it.

While the biggest thing that sticks out to me is the "Knight in shining armor" / "damsel in distress". While i had previously considered this previously, i at the time felt like it was something that had to be done due to:

1. Housemate at the time being / taking very misogynistic actions (this was due to an extensive history of failed relationships / marriages on his side due to various reasons (rather not get into them). while not ideal for her (my partner) at the time.

the comment re: female counselors - most of my therapists have been female, while they've understood the situation it's been more of a "we cant really go any further until your partner is in a position to do so" type resolution which leaves me in a limbo of sorts.

Anyhow, thanks for the comments / reply - greatly appreciate it 🙂