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Tryingnot2lose
New Contributor

I'm stuck.

Reading through people's confessions, I feel that mine it's not important enough or worthy. People have gone through more, and I feel I have no right to waste their time by putting mine out there. 

I had a great childhood. Functioning parents, siblings, grandparents etc. Did sports, holidays, pets, schools etc. Had a baby young, with a person who was toxic to the core. Physical, verbal, emotional, financial and mental abuse, they did it. Fell in love with my baby and got myself out of the relationship. Continued suffering from verbal and mental abuse, but became stronger each day. First time I noticed something was wrong was during the pregnancy, I went to a doctor and ran to my support system. Got the help and healed. Second time I noticed a couple of years later, when I couldn't get out of bed, I saw a doctor, got help and had my support system. Healed again. I've achieved a lot over the years, pushing myself, breaking out of the stigma I was in for being a young parent from an abusive relationship. It's been 10 years and I can feel myself falling back into the trap again, but it's different now. I don't want to go to the doctors because I don't feel I have the same support system to rely on. I'm not liked, and obviously have myself to blame. I struggle with not feeling validated. I work so hard to prove something that no one really cares about. I have chosen to remain single since that relationship for the fear of getting trapped in another abusive relationship again. I put all my effort in trying to raise my child to be a model person. My thoughts are dark, but it's not how or why I should do it. It's more, if I was no longer here, would they mourn? Would people actually show up to the funeral and say good things about me? Would they miss me? Did they actually like me? I don't think this all the time, but when it creeps up it does scare me. I let it slip to someone, they don't understand and admit they don't. It's done nothing but  make it uncomfortable. I shouldn't have said anything, because no matter how much there is change in promotion of mental health, it's still embarrassing and feels like it shows weakness. And they judge you for it. I feel more stuck. I know my faults, but they have faults of their own and it doesn't stop me from wanting to be with them. They've tolerated me, because that's just how I was. But now they don't want to. I am scared and feel more alone than ever. 
6 REPLIES 6

Re: I'm stuck.

I’m so sorry you’ve been going through all of these really hard experiences. Sounds really emotionally draining and I’m hearing that you really want it all to change. And I reckon that’s a really powerful place to be in. You know what you don’t want. 

I’m glad you posted. I logged on wanting to reach out and here you are. 

You are 100% important and it’s horrible when the people who are meant to love you are the ones hurting you the most. 

What’s on for the weekend? 
I’m cuddling my dog right this second. 

Do you have one too? They love unconditionally. 

Sending virtual hugs in your direction 

Re: I'm stuck.

Just a few lines to say I fully identify with much of what you have written. Married young, stayed single etc., but although you say you are to blame for 'not being liked', I disagree. We are all a product of our experiences and they are all different. I'm sure that you have much to offer, but like me, are wary. I'm so pleased you have a child to love and protect. Make your child your life project but look after yourself along the way. And I thoroughly agree regarding looking past others' faults and assuming you have the right to expect the same from them. Take good care of yourself, @Tryingnot2lose. You're clearly very strong and have a purpose. I can only send best wishes that there is better ahead for you.

Re: I'm stuck.

Hi and welcome @Tryingnot2lose 

 

Everybody’s journey is different. Your story is important and worthy. The good thing about putting it on here is that you aren’t wasting anyones time as people can choose as to whether or not read your story. 

 

Well done for being able to recognise the signs that in itself can be a difficult task. 

I understand the feeling of would anyone care if I left and would any even bother to turn up to my funeral or if they would just feel obligated too.  

The loneliness is so hard and yes I’m the outside world there is still the stigma and judgement. It’s hard to let others know to be able to create a support network. 

I have been lucky as my GP recognised the seriousness of my issues and I now have a mental health team behind me holding me up.

 

I was also lucky to stumble across this forum and have been supported through my journey. There is no judgement or stigma on here as everyone has their own lived experience. Everyone his friendly and willing to share their story to help others through. 

I hope you find what you are looking for here

Re: I'm stuck.

You are not alone here @Tryingnot2lose . So many have walked similar paths. There are also others who have walked paths to die for, yet they also feel alone.

 

You have strengthened yourself for your child. Now it is about loving yourself and being kind to yourself so that you’ll be there to care for your baby.

 

I used to compare myself with the world and this only left me depressed. The more I wanted to do something with my life, they more I failed. 

I had to learn that it’s okay to be kind to myself. It is not a sin to go gentle with myself. I was brought up being taught to think of self last, otherwise you’d be considered selfish. Yet neglecting my own needs meant I was selfish-er because I was hurting those around me.

 

We care for you @Tryingnot2lose and hope you find the connection you need on the forums.

Re: I'm stuck.


@BPDSurvivor wrote:

Yet neglecting my own needs meant I was selfish-er because I was hurting those around me.


 

This is so powerful, @BPDSurvivor ! Thank you. 

Re: I'm stuck.

Welcome, @Tryingnot2lose , it's good to have you here 🙂

 

A couple of things struck me in your post:

 


@Tryingnot2lose wrote:
I don't want to go to the doctors because I don't feel I have the same support system to rely on. 

 

I see this as even mopre of a reason to go to the doctor and get professional support...you deserve all the support available. 

 


@Tryingnot2lose wrote:
I let it slip to someone, they don't understand and admit they don't. It's done nothing but  make it uncomfortable. I shouldn't have said anything, because no matter how much there is change in promotion of mental health, it's still embarrassing and feels like it shows weakness. And they judge you for it. 

 

I feel that it's not you that's showing weakness here, but the other person. It's weak to not know how or not to want to deal with mental illness in today's age. To judge someone else for being supposedly "weak" is not a strength but a fault, in my mind. Everyone can be subject to mental illness in their lifetime, and facing up to it shows strength and emotional intelligence. I'm sorry that person let you down 😞

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