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Milkshake
New Contributor

I can't get off the Rollercoaster Ride

Hi there, I have been in a 24yr relationship. My partner has recently been diagnosed with unconventional BPD, NPD & Bi Polar. I am currently reading 'Stop walking on Egg Shells' (3rd Edition) which I have learnt to understand these conditions in such a short time. In my lifetime I have had to deal with Childhood Trauma, an ex trying to take me & eventually taking himself & then, 22yrs ago suffered a work-related injury which has left me permanently disabled. I battle chronic depression which after 17yrs medication free, I have had to go back on to treat Ptsd bought on by my partners constant growing erratic behaviour. I found a way of coping by going back to work & escaping my living situation. We have a very intense intimate connection & the love for each other is so strong & tight that it confuses me how I feel at times. I now understand that I cannot change him but rather I need to change myself which I am mentally battling with my own reality of whether I have enough patience left or even strong enough mentally anymore to continue trying. I would love to hear from others that are or have been walking in my shoes & what could possibly help me improve my situation before there is nothing else left. Thanku! 😉 

4 REPLIES 4

Re: I can't get off the Rollercoaster Ride

Hi @Milkshake & welcome to the Forums! 👋 That sounds like a really tough situation to try and navigate. I'm wondering if there are periods where your partner is more stable so to speak and you might be able to have a conversation about what's going on? For me, I find it helpful to be able to have these really (sometimes scarily) honest conversations and talk it out together with the other person. Then, I'm able to voice my struggles and let them know how it's affected me. The other things, as you said, is to focus on yourself and what you can do to manage the situation. 

I'll also tag a few other members who may have more insights and wisdom to share @Lightmama @SJT63 @SLP1997 @ShiningStar 

Re: I can't get off the Rollercoaster Ride

@Milkshake @TideisTurning 

 

I saw this post a couple of days ago and have been trying to think of something constructive to say. Your situation sounds quite similar to mine.

You said : " I cannot change him but rather I need to change myself"

 

that's what I thought I had to do, what I've been trying to do, and failing miserably. The more I change the more he demands of me. It confuses me too, that we love each other so much and yet I am constantly in the firing line.

 

A lot of people are advising me to leave him. I don't want to, I just want us both to be happy.

 

I have no answers right now, I'm sorry. All I do know is that we shouldn't have to change ourselves to accommodate the proclivities of others.

 

Perhaps you could think of having counselling together. I'm hoping Mr S and I will  do so in the new year.

 

big hugs

S x

 

 

Re: I can't get off the Rollercoaster Ride

Hi @Milkshake 

 

Welcome to the forums it’s great to have you here!

 

Thank you so much @TideisTurning for inviting me to participate in this conversation Smiley Happy

 

I’m so sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you Smiley Sad I can only imagine the sheer and utter exhaustion, panic and despair of being trapped on a never ending roller coaster ride Smiley Sad

 

Relationships with our loved ones can be complicated at the best of times Heart However, living with mental health issues and histories of childhood trauma can further complicate things and significantly influence how we understand, approach and participate in these.

 

Unfortunately, because we can’t change the ones we love, changing ourselves can often seem like the only logical and necessary solution. Sadly however, changing ourselves doesn’t always result in the changes that we’re so desperate to see in others Smiley Sad and instead, we can find ourselves fumbling around in the dark, hoping that we will eventually stumble across ‘the right’ version of ourselves and figure out ‘the right’ way to behave and interact. This is just so heartbreaking, as we could spend a life time trying to achieve something that is not only unrealistic, but stands to erode the essence of who we are and all of the things that make us so unique and special Heart

 

I can really hear how desperately you want your situation to change and how concerned you feel about having the necessary emotional resources to be able to continue to fight for the changes that are important for you.

 

However, sometimes with the guidance and support of a qualified professional, we can learn how to meet our needs and take care of ourselves and our relationships in a safe and healthy way without needing to completely change who we are Heart With that in mind, I just wondered how you would feel about accessing some additional support for yourself?

 

If you felt comfortable, you could ask your GP if you’re eligible to receive a Mental Health Care Plan. Basically, a Mental Health Care Plan enables patients to receive a total of 10 subsidised appointments (through Medicare) with a Psychologist (or another approved mental health professional) per calendar year.

 

If you felt that this may be helpful for you, you could schedule an appointment with your GP (a longer appointment would be needed) so that they can complete this with you Smiley Happy

 

I also wondered if accessing some additional support through the Sane Help Centre may be helpful for you? Basically, qualified counsellors provide telephone and online counselling, information and referrals for people living with complex mental health issues and also for the people who care about them.

 

The Help Centre operates Monday to Friday from 10.00am until 10.00pm (AEST) and you can contact them on: 1800 18 7263. However, the hours may differ during the Christmas and New Year period and so it may be worthwhile double checking this before you contact them Smiley Happy

 

Their website is: www.sane.org

 

Towards the end of your post you shared ‘I would love to hear from others that are or have been walking in my shoes and what could possibly help me improve my situation before there is nothing else left.’ I was really interested to understand what an improvement in your situation would look like for you? However, I can also appreciate that this may be too difficult / distressing for you to talk about, or you may not feel comfortable to share - which is completely fine too Smiley Happy Please only share if this feels safe and comfortable for you. There’s absolutely no pressure or expectation Heart  

 

Please also remember that you’re always welcome to continue to reach out to us here and continue to share your experiences. Nothing is too big or too small (as long as what we share adheres to the forum guidelines) Heart

 

I hope that this helps you a little Smiley Happy

 

Sending you some gentle hugs at this very difficult time.

 

Take care,

 

ShiningStar Heart

 

Re: I can't get off the Rollercoaster Ride

@Milkshake. I'm so sorry to hear that and it must be hard for you to have to go through this. This is a good and safe place here to express how you are feeling. I am recently new and I have found very helpful and supportive advice here. I know for certain it's better to let it out than trying to keep it all in as it can be emotionally draining. I agree with your comment about changing yourself. I wonder if you are able to see a counsellor or psychologist and seek advice and therapy for yourself as you need to make sure you look after your own mental health first.
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