Trying makes it worse

[TAB]

yes, I guess so @maddison  going back to bed here 

[maddison]

Take it easy @TAB 

I'm looking online at the jeggings at Kmart @EternalFlower I like the green ones. I was size 18 for years - I blamed meds (they def. have side effect) I like chocolate & cheeseburgers too!

I lost weight after changing meds. Goodness it was difficult finding clothes that are comfortable & look good. It is somewhat easier now. I'm certainly not thin!

Being bigger is really difficult. Well it was/is for me. I would eat too soothe myself. At one point I managed to lose weight over 12 months, by carefully calculating my intake. Within a year, I had put it all back on. The second time trying to lose was like an impossibility that my brain didn't want to face.

Calculating  intake didn't feel mentally healthy to me. But I had to do it. I can understand now why diets don't work long term.

Females & middlish -age is much harder to lose weight than when we were in teens.

Lots of factors contribute to our body style. I'm finding a compromise between being a little

  lighter than my heaviest times & accepting my body as it is. 💜

[maddison]

Are you finding it difficult with your friend being away @EternalFlower ? To me, I'm reading that you are coping quite well. You could be good at putting on a brave face..idk? 

Thankyou, for supporting me & giving me the opportunity to discuss what is happening here for me at home.

In hindsight, I can see how my ambiguous statements, yesterday(?) about 'reading between the lines' might have been way too broad. I forget how difficult internet communication is.

Our minds tend to put things in boxes to help us make sense of things. With this whole internet thing, there are huge gaps in communication.

My mind really needs & wants a proper sense of who I'm talking to & it will overcompensate & make up stories to fill in the blanks.

I appreciate how respectful & kind you are. It makes me feel safe. On the other hand, I don't you at all!! This is where internet relationships can be triggering & troublesome.

Anyway, I still don't feel like talking about what is going on here. My statements are not directed at anyone on here. I would never do that.  🦄

[EternalFlower]

Hi @maddison @TAB 

It is bucketing down rain ☔ 

I'm a little scared of it.

Thank u for sharing how Ur going @maddison I felt I could relate and connect to a lot of what Ur saying

I've been a range of sizes. It socks how people treat u so differently at each size. 

It is a confusing experience for sure. I find it odd how ppl always compliment me when i lose weight. Relative, my friends dads, ppl who it is none of their business love to say something. When u put on weight everyone just says nothing to Ur face.

I knew some of what u meant re read between the lines because of my lived experience. I feel empathy for Ur hm and Ur carer role and relate in many ways ♥ 

[Former-Member]

Our own and societal perspectives of body image are so powerful and for what?? Weight (anywhere on the spectrum) is not indicative of beauty or health. Too much emphasis is put on something that interpretable. That doesn't seem fair. 

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said acceptance @maddison, you should be able to feel beautiful and it being enough. And yes, @EternalFlower, sometimes people say or don't say things that should never be addressed. 

Not sure of either of your ages but something my parents taught me when I was growing up was when we meet potential suitors to ask them about politics and religion. They taught us this because their parents were a generation that did not talk about those things and that made for some very unhappy marriages. I feel like people now should be taught not to comment on people's appearance. I feel that that would be fitting for this time in history, especially with gender being a contentious topic atm (a much needed one!). We have learned so much about humans, why can't we let go of our need to judge and discuss appearance??

[maddison]

Hey @EternalFlower hope you are not getting sick of me!

I hope not. 

I'm not going to ask how your going? Even tho I'm wondering. I will chat mindlessly about my day instead.

Firstly, I'm not sure why I bothered to get dressed today. It's been a quiet day alternating between sleep & tech. I started the day with good intentions. It all sort of fell in heap. It's possible I didn't realise how mentally drained I really am.

I've been having these fuzzy brain episodes. If I lay down & turn off all tech & block out the light, I can reset after a while.

Probably an indication that my mind is overwhelmed.

I just did this imaginary exercise where I pretended to lift out kiwi fruit sized problems from my mind. All I did was spent 20secs putting my hand up to the top of my head, gently picking up an imaginary 🥝 & chucking it across the room! Idk, my head feels emptier now! Only threw out things I don't need of course. Keep any good things 💗🌸

Hope you are ok xx

[EternalFlower]

Hi @maddison 

Feeling better or less intense heaviness after kiwi 🥝.  It is such a good size! Sounds satisfying and a good way out!! 

I did a lot of breathing today! 

I wanted to share what my dr told me re my flashbacks...

He said I should find 2 sensory objects I carry with me at all times, he suggested a charm on a necklace, an object gifted from a loved one, etc, or a scent...

He said it could make me feel safe,

I liked this idea 💡. 

I hope u got to recover and breathe, some days I feel like nothing goes right and it's such a struggle. Hope u can do something cosy maybe? I'm sure u were trying Ur best and more.

Re tech world, it is so addictive and scary sometimes, I understand the breaks. It is so everywhere and everything!!

I do miss my friend but thank u for saying I'm doing well.

It's been a weird week here too. I had an x ray today, and went shopping for food, and did coffee wirh another friend. I felt I rambled a bit, my filter is weird atm.

I leave every interaction feeling like I trauma dumped!

@TAB @Appleblossom hello and hi 

@Appleblossom I feel very in awe of Ur marches for human rights. It is very courageous and kind.

[EternalFlower]

Ps @maddison @Former-Member @TAB @Appleblossom 

I wish it would stop ☔ 🌧 

I hate it!!!

It's constant and draining.

Hope all are dry and cosy with blankets, tea, TV etc 🍵 

[TAB]

 

 Not very chatty sorry @EternalFlower 

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Former-Member it is generational for sure,

We now know not to intrude or assume about someone based on physical markers

Where I live everyone is thin and in workout gear. There is a lot of image conscious ppl, 

I find it hard to have a meaningful conversation sometimes, in this environment.

That is awesome what u grew up with...the concept of asking someone about politics or religion.

Deep matters and core matters. I think an ability to discuss these things even with someone u disagree strongly with is a special kind of intimacy.