There is a lot of sense in that, @Appleblossom. I often think that maybe he was just the stabilizer who made it possible for me to unravel the mess others had made of me. He was the first reliable (but only in the sense of being 'constant') person who gave me the space to find myself. He was the first person to show me respect, too.
@Appleblossom, I'm never going to understand him and it would be glib to say 'just put him behind me', because I find that almost impossible. He gave me a 'schema' (from my phone: a mental codification of experience that includes a particular organized way of perceiving cognitively and responding to a complex situation or set of stimuli)–a way of understanding things so that I am able to function, to understand what is going on around me, and predict outcomes from past experience. So how do I understand things now? I still do, but I don't understand him or how he could do this.
That I am still swinging from one understanding of him to the opposite beggars belief, but that is what he has done to me and I have no control over it. I don't understand how I could have misread him for such a long time. My schema needs to be readjusted and I can't do that until he makes sense. Did he really do this on purpose, or did he change direction at some stage? He was so convincing, not just in his behaviour but also in his actions–like he was snubbing his nose at his profession and showing he knew better ... and he did. And he was doing it for me, my family, his family, his profession and for society–because everything is so out of kilter. But it was all just an evil trick. What the hell? I can't make sense of that or of him.
Sure, I'm very proud of what I have achieved, but I doubt that I would have done so without him giving me the strength to persevere. But that may have been part of the trick–to educate me while ensuring no access to similar society by sabotaging my attempts to reconcile my family, betraying me and impoverishing me to make sure that I now don't fit anywhere. With anyone. I have no-one to discuss serious matters with, make discoveries with. I must have given him such an ego trip because I thought the sun shone out of him, and that must've been such a boost.
I wish I could move on @Appleblossom, but I rent a one-bedroom unit, have no family or friends, and fit nowhere. I am in total isolation–and he did that to me. I'd give anything to have a psychiatrist to discuss things with, but they misunderstand so much, misdiagnose, and discuss our 'case' with GPs, and we don't know what they are saying. As a result, I can't speak freely as it is not confidential, correctly interpreted or respected. They are so clinical, so impersonal and so 'superior' even though they are making many, many mistakes, and are no better than we are–they've just had different opportunities, experiences and upbringing.
I respect education, but education that teaches incorrectly and disperses their kind onto a vulnerable, trusting and naive population is not to be respected.
I'm pleased for you that you are getting to balance your thinking. I attended an alt2su online meeting tonight. Perhaps I'll attend again. It was nice to have the company of people who have walked the same path, and be where we can say things forbidden here for fear of breaching guidelines, or having interventions imposed. There is something so therapeutic about saying the words we have to hold back here. It sits like a lump in our throat if we can't express the words.
