Acceptance is hard work

[Jynx]

@MissinTooth mm it's a scary place to be for sure. Have you got a go-to safety plan for managing your SI?

Maybe it's more present simply because you've noticed it? Or maybe it is more just a stressful day. Can be hard to tell sometimes. 

Happy to also yammer on a bit about my own experiences with SI if that would also help you feel less weird about talking about yours! I am really glad that you have been able to get that sense of like, reduced overwhelm, reduced fear, simply from sharing. 

Yepppp hard work indeed, cos your body is working overtime to keep you ready to flee or defend yourself! Poised like a gazelle.... except... always... ya that's exhausting for sure. 

[Till23]

Oh yes the fluctuations drive me up the wall too @MissinTooth which is why I'm currently struggling atm

@MissinTooth you have two degrees and a full-time job, that is doing well in life.

SI is not as unusual as people think. Unfortunately there is a stigma and people do feel shame. Hopefully we are moving towards a situation where it is not stigmatised and there is more dialogue around it. I have actually made S attempts, one the medical staff couldn't understand how I survived. They happened fairly close together but are now decades ago. However, the ideation occurs to me reasonably often. Previously I would have been too ashamed to tell anyone that, but I can now say it and I also hope I can help other people using my experiences. 

[MissinTooth]

@Jynx no, I don't have a safety plan, I'm sorry. 

It could be. I'm not sure why, just that it is. I'm not sure it matters why, to be honest.

If you feel comfortable sharing with me. I don't want my chaos and "stuff" to spill over and have an impact on you or anyone else, so only share if you feel comfortable. 

At this point, exhaustion is an understatement.

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 

What is doing well in life anyway? How is it defined? I can't even muster up the motivation to deal with some of life's small things at the moment - like taking myself to see a GP, going out to a work dinner tomorrow night, or buying a new washing machine. I'm just starting fresh in life because I exploded a life that was going okay.

Thank you for sharing that with me. In the past, I've struggled with S thoughts and ideation too, so I know what it's like.

[Till23]

I suppose doing well means different things for different people @MissinTooth.

You might be struggling right now, but that does not obviate, or wipe out etc your successes, which have been substantial

There are many things I have not done lately so I know that it can make you feel down on yourself. I have not touched most of my father's stuff since he passed away nearly a year ago. I cared for him at my place until he passed, his clothes are still in wardrobe, I only took his medicines up to chemist about 2 months ago.

@Jynx I think it helps to hear other people's stories (but that's just what I think). Everyone is entitiled to share as much or as little as they like. I shared a little hear, in case it was helpful for @MissinTooth to know she is not alone.

[Jynx]

@MissinTooth if it's something you're interested in creating, we got resources and can always help you out 😊

Yeah, sometimes we can stress ourselves out just as much looking for the 'why' hey. 

Of course! I am always happy to share bits here n there when it's helpful for others 😉

I will be off soon, but happy to share more or answer questions if you like, when I'm next about 💜 Hope you have a good night! 

TW: Suicide Ideation

Content/trigger warning

A lot of my SI was very... reactive I suppose? Like looking around the space I was in for ways to hurt myself for example. When it became more plan-oriented was when I knew I was in trouble. It was something I started struggling with at around 13 y.o. and then largely for about a decade, before I started therapy and actually working through my stuff. Since then, off n on, mainly off these days, thankfully! And the idle few that pop up are rare enough to be more of a 'huh? lol weird' moment than a distressing one. It's kinda wild to see that progress, ty for the opportunity to reflect on it!!  

Things I've noticed over the years - 

-It also often involved thoughts about how the people in my life would react, imagining whether they'd be upset or unphased, etc. and whether certain people would show up at my funeral. 

-It would usually erupt as more active, all-encompassing thoughts (e.g. actually imagining the act itself) in response to real or perceived rejection; whereas if I was overwhelmed or stressed out it was more back of the brain stuff (e.g. idle thoughts like 'maybe I should just end myself' in response to a poor exam score or an overdue bill)

-It tends to be a response to feeling like I have no other way of controlling or escaping the situation - and in fact it is actually a coping tool for overwhelming distress, and not a sign of weakness or something deserving of shame.

[Till23]

Thank you for sharing this @Jynx I found it helpful

I have a lot of flight response, which I can sometimes subdue with physical pursuits - exercise, chopping firewood etc so yes S is kind of the ultimate flight response I suppose. I kind of have a chronic type SI, that varies in intensity, sometimes I can't imagine how I'd felt that way. Other times,  I'm running through exactly what would happen in my mind in detail. I can go for long periods (months, even years) where I don't think about it at all and other times it's daily. Thank you. I hope @MissinTooth finds it helpful too

[MissinTooth]

@Jynx @Till23 thank you for sharing your experiences. It does help. Not gonna lie - it's still hard to talk about it for the first time, but I'll give it a go.

I would like to create a safety plan, but I don't want to do it on my own. @Jynx @AuntGlow can you guys help me through it? Please.

I have just tried to search for how to do a trigger warning, but I started to get stressed and flustered when I couldn't find it, so please feel free to edit if this isn't correct.

Trigger Warning - Mentions self harm

Content/trigger warning

Content/Trigger Warning


My SI was/is mostly kind of plan orientated - I think. But that seems to be the way my brain works; I never do anything without having a plan or an idea in my head first. Even the simplest things like going to the supermarket is planned out. I even plan how I'm going to have a conversation with someone - what I'm going to say - before I even say it. 

I started when I was in Uni, but thinking back now, I think it was an issue even before then. But in my third year of Law, both of my grandparents passed in the same year and I hit rock bottom. I would go to Uni, so that my parents didn't suspect anything, but would hide away all day in the computer lab, playing with HTML, graphics and web page design. I couldn't get myself to class. Eventually they told me that I wouldn't be able to sit my exams because of my non-attendance. I tried to speak up then about why I wasn't attending, tried to ask for help and was told by my lecturer that he didn't care and it didn't make a difference to the decision. I say that it may be started earlier because I was riddled with psoriasis all over my trunk. I was so embarrassed and ashamed by it and would hide it away, but I couldn't leave alone to heal either. I never got help for my SI. I never tried to reach out again. I just...had to pull myself together because I was ashamed to present myself to my family as a failure at Uni and so, I made a plan to finish my Arts degree and move onto study teaching. I told my family that I had decided that I didn't want to pursue Law. Fear was a powerful motivator - fear of my family, fear of failing in front of them, fear of letting them down - and I was able to get it under control.

It surfaces from time to time - sometimes I want to go back and SI again, sometimes it's like a...flash back, I guess, sometimes it's just a wondering. Yesterday, it wasn't just thoughts, I could visualise it. I'm usually good at...ignoring it (maybe?) or burying it. Lately, it's been coming to the surface more and I will admit, I gave in last night.

I think for me...I can feel everything building up inside of me and I can't release it in any outward way. It builds and builds and builds and SI releases some of it. Also...it helps me to feel something other than constantly anxious. Afterwards, the self-loathing, and shame kicks in...that's the space I'm sitting in this morning. And some of that...is...is  because I woke up feeling better and clearer. 

[Ru-bee]

Hi @MissinTooth I just wanted to check in with how you're going. 

I'm glad that you've felt able to talk so openly about your experiences, it can be a really hard thing to do so I just wanted to see how you're feeling after that?

I also noticed you were wanting to make a safety plan. I know creating a safety plan can seem a bit daunting but there are some great tools to help you, like Beyond Now which takes you through each step. Did you want to take a look at it and see what you think? We're absolutely here to help if you need some support filling it out too

[MissinTooth]

@Ru-bee thank you for checking in and sharing resources. I will have a look after work today. 

I'm okay, work is a good distraction.

Regret is starting to sink in. I don't regret sharing. It's actually a bit of a relief to know that there are now people who know, and that we share somewhat similar experiences. 

I regret giving in last night. And I feel a bit...weird, a bit unsettled about it.