Acceptance is hard work

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 I'm not amazed that you're not excited. When I went to Fiji last year, I was absolutely, completely overwhelmed and terrified. My first reaction to arriving in Fiji, I balled my eyes out on a very small public transfer bus. I was so wound up, so anxious and so overwhelmed about being in a totally foreign country, on my own, with no one familiar and nothing familiar to help me feel safe. And as I was balling, I was judging myself...I'm in a foreign country, my first time overseas and I should have been excited and happy. I just couldn't at that time...that came as I settled. It took a couple of days, but I got there.

I also totally get the fear of hitting your triggers while you're away. I shared accommodation in Fiji and was afraid of the same thing. I have nightmares, often really loud, dramatic and horrible nightmares. And I did have a couple of those the first few nights - but the person in the room beside me, didn't even hear and didn't notice. I think we are often more aware and on edge about what's going on for us, than others are. 

[Till23]

I have travelled a bit before @MissinTooth and lived in the UK for a few years. I usually do everything including travel by myself, so I'm used to that.

Even if I'm in a group on a tour or something it's just me to start with.

I will be on a cruise for a couple of days sharing a cabin with someone I don't know yet, so there's not a lot of room in a cabin. But I'm trying not to think about it.

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 they are probably just as nervous as what you are. 

Tomorrow's Friday, what do you have planned?

[Till23]

Possibly @MissinTooth 

Friday is just more prepping for the trip

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 sounds like it will keep you busy tomorrow. 

[MissinTooth]

@AuntGlow I know you're not here until Sunday, and it doesn't matter, just getting it out so that someone knows...helps.

I had great day yesterday. I felt lighter, more energised and motivated. My work day was hassle free and I had my niece until 7 pm. I was even able to tackle some study once she had gonee home. But, it was the kind of energy that...is anxiety fuelled. It's...hard to describe...and I couldn't settle my body and brain enough to sleep well.

I woke up in the middle of the night twice in a panic, from nightmares that I don't remember. I tried to reach out here, because often all I need when that happens, is to talk to someone while I work on calming my system, but it was late and nobody was active. 

This morning, my head feels like it's in a vice, I feel foggy and anxious at the same time and my thoughts are swirling and reminding me of how...irrelevant and invisible I am. 

I am just about to go into work, so I'm safe and will be okay throughout the day. I'm always okay. 

[Till23]

I'm sorry to hear this @MissinTooth sounds like a hard night. Yes there are not many people  on the forums late at night or in the early morning. There are moderators but I'm not sure if they work all night.

However you are definitely not irrelevant. All your pupils and the other teachers and your N would not think you are irrelevant and that's just a few that I can think of off the top of my head.

I hope your nervous system is able to settle down and you have a good day, even if the start was not ideal.

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 how did the trip preparations go today? 

[Till23]

Hey @MissinTooth how are you?

It was actually mostly sunny today so I did two loads of washing. I don't have a drier so need to put on washing line.

I had a pretty good day on the trip preparation front, got a few things done that were worrying me a bit. 

Did a test pack of my bag and everything fit including all the sport stuff, a couple more things need to go in but I was happy with that. 

How did your day end up going after a not very good night?

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 I don't have a drier either so it's all line drying here too. 

Sounds like you've got things under control on the trip preparation front. It's nice to tick things off your list too, especially those things that are worrying you. 

Today's been a challenge. 

But I'm heading on a bit of a road trip tomorrow to a friend's house. She lives by the beach and we're going to beach walk if the weather's good, catch up and have coffee. I'm looking forward to that.