Acceptance is hard work

[Till23]

Hi @NightFury again some of your story resonates strongly with me. Even though there are differences, I feel there are a lot of similarities.

I have never had a massage and never will. I also don't like being touched either. If someone had booked me a massage I would have to say - you go I can't do it.

I know that distractions do not solve any problems, but they give you some space and distance from your thoughts and if you have a healthy one like exercise their are other benefits 😉

The "crisis lines" as people call them are not just for absolutely crises, because that's a triple zero call, so you can call. I have only called a very few times in the last few years and said I don't know if I should be calling and the people were fine.

You are definitely not broken.

I think I am quite a lot older than you and I don't know who I am. I am an introvert and I struggle with feeling it's ok to do things by myself and worry people will think I'm weird for being by myself. Because of my age lots of people ask about my husband and kids and it makes me feel weird. First since why are you presuming I am straight and what's wrong with not being married.

You are just as important and deserving as any one on here.

If it helps relieve some of the anguish etc to vent, then vent, it's ok, most people are doing that on the forums.

Hope youa re feeling better this evening

[Till23]

Also @NightFury I'm just going to put some words in here so that it rolls past the usual couple of lines you get on the phone or computer in the Discussion thread. I tried to start off my last post like that but didn't write enough guff!

I saw you asked about LGBTQIA+ space earlier today, but didn't have time to respond. I had searched the forums before and found a place but I did not have the right to access it. I suppose that is the one @Jynx said hasn't started yet.

I'm pretty amazed there is not a space for this community. I know that there are a number of people on the forums that are part of this community, some are very open about it and others you find out in passing.

If one of the mods starts it, it probably feels a bit safer for people, even though the forums are anonymous, you find out people's thinking and may not want to share parts of yourself with everyone

[NightFury]

@Till23 @AuntGlow I've seen your posts and I appreciate them. I don't have the brain power to respond properly, but leave it with me and I'll get to it in the morning. 

@AuntGlow I feel...really tired. I have a heavy head and eyes, but my body is calmer. It took some time after sharing, but I do feel calmer. 

[Till23]

Of course @NightFury that's completely understandable and don't feel you need to respond in the morning, there is no pressure from me at all

[AuntGlow]

@NightFury That's okay! You go and get some rest; we will be here tomorrow. 

@Till23, let me know if you need anything as well. So lovely to see you supporting each other. Sending big hugs both of your way! 💕

[Till23]

@AuntGlow thank you for your offer but paradoxically even after saying something different to MissinTooth I also feel as though I don't want to be annoying the mods with my stuff which seems to me that I should be able to handle. However, I am feeling a bit unsettled tonight 

[AuntGlow]

I completely understand @Till23. Often the most empathetic people are the hardest on themselves - but please know, we WANT to be here for you. Genuinely. And you're never too much for me. Wanna know why?

*whispers* because we think the same. 😉

Get some rest, okay? I will be back tomorrow and will respond to your post properly then. I apologise for any delays on my end by the way, I am still working on juggling everything I have to do, but it's never to do with either of you @NightFury. 💕

[Till23]

Thanks @AuntGlow I understand it definitely must be hard juggling all the different conversations that are going on plus emailing and whatever else you mods do in the background. Plus at some stage you have to go to the loo! I know you go through all your notifications so it takes a while, I never worry about the time. I'm not on here 24/7 either so I might post something and then be away for hours. I think the mods do an excellent job

[NightFury]

Hi @AuntGlow.

It's the way my brain works. It might not be these things specifically, but there's always 10,000 thoughts and feelings racing around in it. It's exhausting and overwhelming. 

I've had a look at both Blue Knot and Beyond Blue's website and for some reason, I'd feel more comfortable using Beyond Blue because they have a chat function. I don't like talking on the phone and would prefer to type. I can get my words out better when it's written. I often avoid answering phone calls or making them. 

The thing that created the most activation is the SI, there's a lot of emotion around that. QLD comes a very close second. It activated all the emotions. It's so emotionally charged and sensitive and it's a lot for me. 

And just posting it in general, it still makes me anxious and unsettled to be sharing things with others. 

The least activation was writing about my niece and looking after her on Sunday. I want to do it, but also it's frustrating because I just want a day...a day where I can relax and spend some time for me. I don't...my energy is limited and at the moment, just getting through a work day depletes it entirely. It may sound selfish, but I don't want to go into Monday already exhausted and struggling. But I also know...I need her light and shiny into my life at the moment. 

@Till23 it sounds like we have a lot in common. 

I like to use fidgets as an outlet for my anxiety and for when I'm feeling anxious, maybe it would also keep my hands busy and provide a distraction for the SI too...I don't know, I just know that I need a solid plan, something to reach for instead. 

There's also the whole...I don't know if I want to admit that I need to and have justification to be using the crisis lines sometimes. 

Urgh, that's so frustrating when people ask after your children and your husband. I am not married and I don't have children of my own. I've even been judged by a doctor for it - for not having children. She sat there and told me that my body clock is running out and there are things we can do if I wanted to have children, even after I explained that I don't want children of my own. I felt so...unheard. There's still that expectation there - you're female, find a husband, start a family, live behind a white picket fence. And it's like not achieving it, gives others the right to judge you for it. Sorry, that's a whole other tangent.

As for the LGBTQI+ community I brought up in another thread, I would like it if there was one... @Jynx 

I wanted to say so much more about that...

I don't know if I'm comfortable to make a post in like...the relationships section, or somewhere else about my thoughts and feelings and what's floating around in my head about my identity. I feel like...it's less uncomfortable...if there's a whole conversation and the mods and peer support workers are there. Maybe even it comes down to those that I'm comfortable with...

I think it's a trust thing - it feels like such a hugely hidden and vulnerable part of me and I already feel really vulnerable. 

I guess, I'm just a big chicken...

@AuntGlow no need for apologies. I think that's probably part of the reason why I don't reach out sometimes. You guys get busy and juggle so many conversations with people and I don't want to add to that. 

[NightFury]

Tough day, not doing so well.