Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

Dear @greenpea 

I have some idea of how much you have held back in spelling out the difficulties you face.  The old problem of the squeaky wheel can tip us towards managing the louder person or issue.  I am tending towards the approach @Zoe7  has mentioned.  I also have seen how too much mothering for an adult son can be counterproductive.  SOmetimes they need a nudge in the direction of increasing independence and self responsibilty.  Its all very well for his psych to have an opinion, but there are more lives at stake, than he might consider from his limited observation as a clinician.  That is part of the problem with the endless expert parade ... If you wait til he son2 finally gets it ... more damage may be done to you and your daughter. NOt to say your love for your boy will change but ot might look different, with cheery visits from and to you. 

I was a sister who had to live with a brother constantly acting out.  I chose to leave home at 16 as my situation was never believed.  It was the only thing that made sense in my circumstances as a teen, it was not what my mother wanted, but she was not prepared to even talk about or admit my needs.  I am going to use that to try and encourage my son to understand his fear but master it and to see some of the benefits of moving on ... If it is any consolation, my son and I are going through similar dilemnas ...

Can your son see any of your daughter/ his sister's struggle with having him in the house and acting out???  

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  Hi it is a very difficult situation you are stuck in atm I have been having similar thoughts to @Zoe7  but she has voiced them much better than how i could think to voice them. for me I am very aware of how much of an impact i have had on my family and siblings and while I dont think it was at the point i should have been out of the house i do feel very guilty for the stress i have caused them even though i always tried my best to not impact them and to hide things but every now and again things happen and i would get upset and such. it is not your son meaning to do this and it is not you breaking a promise to your son if he has to move out. you are keeping your promise as a parent by ensuring saftey for your son and daughter. my older sibling said once in a conversation that they only worked so hard because they had to, they meant because they knew me and my other sibling were not able to and they felt a lot of the burden was left to them which really upset me not that they know that but i felt horrible for them feeling that way even if it was no ones fault. but i dont know about your son but i know i would rather me be in a group home than me hurt my family because of my mental health. also i do agree your daughter needs to be as big a factor in the desicion as your son because it is her life too and she didnt ask for this anymore than your son or you did. i hope you are going ok. 

[greenpea]

@Meowmy  Hey Meowmy thank you for your wise counsel. You are right and now I have to do the preparation so that the transition is smooth for him and myself and daughter. I will have to apply for a dsp first as at the moment I am on carers pension. Hopefully that will come through without any problems. Then start looking at accomodation. Wow now that I have made the decision I feel a sense of relief and actually gave myself permission to smile :)xxx

[greenpea]

@Appleblossom  Hi Appleblossom good to hear from you :)x. When son2 is in a rage he is in a full blown psychotic state and unfortunately cannot see anything until after the event.  He is very apologetic and concerned when one of his 'entities' as he likes to call them takes over and becomes aggressive but during the event he has no control which is the worry. 

I have just spoken with my daughter and we have a plan with how we are going to do the transition. Son2 has been high maintenance this last weekend and I cannot keep doing it to myself or my daughter.  It is too much for me to handle anymore and I am finally putting up my hand for help.

Thank you for your advice and concern Appleblossom. I really appreciate it. Love peaxx

[greenpea]

@Eden1919  Hey Eden1919 good to have your input as a sibling and daughter. You are right son2 feels dreadful after one of his psychotic events. It wracks him with guilt. I cannot do it to myself or my daughter or him any more and have decided to transition him to shared accomodation. It will take time and I will have to put in preparations first like gaining a dsp for myself as I have been on carers pension. So cross fingers that goes through without any problems. Then I can seriously start looking around. Thank you for your continued help during my dilemma I really appreciate it. Love peaxx:)

[Meowmy]

@greenpea good morning, beautiful pea. Hope you have a nice day. I put you on prayer list just then. Hope all works out well for you and us all. Take care.

[Shaz51]

sending you hugs my super @greenpea 

[greenpea]

@Meowmy  Hey Meowmy I feel very humbled that you put me on your prayer list like you do. Thank you and hope you are doing well. Love peaxxx

[greenpea]

@Shaz51  Hey Shaz51 thank you for always being there. xxx

[Eden1919]

@greenpea  I am glad you have made a desicion as sometimes that is the most stressful part. I hope preperations go smoothly for you and having decided now means you will have time to make sure the transition is done properly and isnt something rushed and chaotic which is always a bonus. this is a new phase for your family and hopefully a good one, you never know your son might gain some independence your daughter may feel less stressed leading to improvements for her and it might allow each of you the space to be able to focus on bulding firm family relationships that are less carrer and cared for but more loved members of a unique family which is a transition most families make when kids become adults anyway. when the pressure is off you to be the one to deal with all the problems it means you will have more time to focus on the good things and to have fun with your kids. I dont mean to say that your current dynamic is bad but adults disabled or not need space to grow and discover themselves and perhpas this is a way for both your kids to do that.