Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[devotedmum]

Hi I am a 54 year old mum  of 4 beautiful daughters 26, 23 , 20 and 18 and a supportivie 54 year old husband.  I am reaching out to other parents.  We were a very happy fun loving family when things are going smooth with our 20 year old.  She has moved in and out of our house 3 times in the past 2 years.  Each time she hits rock bottom and creates many bills and each time we take her back in.  At 18 She was diagnosed with borderline personality with traits of narcissism, and suffered with bulemia   She has attempted Tafe twice and pulls out as it is too overwhelming. From April to November 2016  I thought we had turned a corner as she was calm, happy and content with life.  She asked if she could do a Tafe course.  I suggested that we would pay for a short 6 month course as we couldn't afford another course that she didn't complete.  She agreed.  She had a casual job and Tafe things were going well.  She was in a real good place with her dad and I.  Then it was October and she started to show signs of plumeting.  Here I am again crying  myself to sleep every night because she has been asked to leave our house as she has for the umpteenth time trashed our house in rage.  I haven't seen her since Nov 17th yet she sends me the most abusive texts telling me to burn in hell and calls me a c@@t on a daily basis.  My husband and I have given her so many chances and taken her to so many professionals and spent a lot of money on trying to get her help.  She refuses to admit that she has a problem, will not take her medication as she said it is our fault that she is like she is because we have ignored the fact that she has a mental issue.  She has lost her licence due to speeding and had an ICE addicition which my husband and I helped her overcome by going cold turkey, this addiction lead to a lot of our precious items being stolen and she has attempted suicide 3 times and has been in a coma for 3 days as she attempted suicide when she was 16.  She distorts everything to be everyone else fault.  She has hit me over the years and then calms down. At the age of 18 she was no longer able to attend CAMS and therefore has not had any professional help since as she doesn’t believe anything is wrong.   The 23, and 18 have also been blacklisted from her as they stood up to her on the 10th of Nov 2016 for the first time " telling her to stop feeling sorry for herself and realise how many chances mum and dad have given you.  You have been on  1 on 1 road trips with dad as he has tried to calm you and understand you.  We have never had that.  You are onto the 3rd car yet we don’t resent you but you still blame the family for your state.  We are constantlly reaching out to you and tolerating your behaviour because we understand you have BPD"  She constantly lies to her friends and each year has a new bestie.  She writes the nastiest lies on facebook about her sisters. Unable to keep a boyfriend as she is very controlling and possessive and they can't cope.  Then she storks them and makes their life hell by spreading lies .  Yet she is still my child and I  am sick of feeling guilty on a daily basis for standing by my  husband as he has asked her to move out.  I am so drained and it has had such an impact on my other 3 daughters.  My husband is at a loss and is worried at how much I cry. I look at the xmas presents in the corner from us and her sisters and burst into tears.  I know people that have put up with way worse and haven’t kicked their child out.  This time when she trashed our house I agreed she had to leave.  I  have lived with her rages and betrayal, deception and violence since she was 10 yet still feel guilty.  She is telling me that if I don’t get my husband to apologize to her for shutting her down when she was offering him assistance in regards to her 18 year old sister’s boyfriend cheating on her.  A simple thing like that has turned her into a rage.  She smashed every ornament that was precious to me and smashed all the photos that had her in them.    The 18 year old told her dad that she is going to forgive her boyfriend and she is madly in love with him and he needs to accept it.  He said I will not lecture you anymore but you don't have my blessing to date him but he is never welcome in our house as he has cheated one to many times on you and I can’t bare to see you hurt over and over again.  You deserve better.  They hugged each other, which then put my 20 year old into an uncontrollable rage.  She got so out of control that the neighbours called the police. By the time they arrived 4 hours later she was asleep and the next morning Nov 17th she woke and continued the rage.  Yet here I am still feeling guilty.  Help me. I have had to block her as the texts were becoming nastier each day.  I am A worried mum.

[Anne13]

Hi and I am firstly sending you an enormous hug. Reading your story was like looking into a mirror as I too have very similar issues with my 16 year old daughter. Unless you are living this day in and day out no one really comprehends what it is like, so I fully understand. I liken it to living 2 separate lives, one with the rest of the 'normal' members of the family and then one with a child you no longer recognise. It takes an enormous amount of effort to put on that fake exterior to the rest of the world when you get that dreaded question, 'so how are you?' Wouldn't you just love to be able to say how things really are, I mean really unleash? But we don't, we just smile and say, 'fine'. I have learnt to deconpartmentalise my life as that has been the only way I can cope really. Yes I have a daughter who breaks my heart every second of the day and I don't know how to save he, however, I also have another wonderful daughter who is anxiously waiting for uni offers to come in. It has taken me a long time to stop blaming myself for all of the what ifs. My daughter is severally, mentally unwell but unless she realises that then noone can help her. Very sad but true. I do hope that you have support around you from people who understand. Please take care and talk to me anytime.xx

[devotedmum]

Hi Anne,  Your response brought tears to my eyes from sheer relief that someone understands.  Yes we do put on a brave front daily.  I teach and I often cry on the way to work, teach my beautiful students and my mechanical tap is turned of and the minute I get in the car its as if the flood gates automatically open.  I usually give my 83 year mum a brief overview and the other day I broke down and said mum you don't understand because she is an angel for you.  I am going to shock you by reading you some of the texts I recieve and when I say C or F it is a swear word.  My mum was devastated and said "how are you surviving"  I told her the other 3 girls constantly tell me that I am amazing.  I get a lot of reward from my students.  I know that we have tried everything but it breaks my heart that she can't see that.  We had to ask her to leave for the ssafety of me and my 18 year old as she is very violent when she goes into her rage.  The police have been to our house on numerous occassions and each time have told me to press charges but I can't do it.  I also immaturely struggle with what her friends mum must think of us for not letting our child stay at home.  Christmas morning was revolting as she wrote me the nastiest text and I had to be strong to help the others enjoy the family .  If I let her come home its good for a few weeks and we all walk on egg shells.  If only the system hadn't closed the door the day she turned 18 as we were making headways with her counsellor at the time.  They literaly said "this is our last session now that you are 18 heere is a least of Pyscholigists that we reccomend you follow up with.  She said I refuse to go through my life story all over again mum can't  James just find me one and tell him my history.  James said it doesn't work like that and that was the end of it.  She is 20 and I feel helpless.  Good luck with your journey. 

[Lunar]

Hello @devotedmum,

Thank you so much for sharing your story, wow you have been through some extremely hard times you are an amazing mum. I can hear so much care and support coming from you about your daughter as well as a lot of guilt. The first thing that came to my mind, was boundaries and how important they are, it sounds like yourself and the family have implemented these boundaries, and well done.

Boundaries are so important to take care of yourself and let your daughter know how she can't and can treat people in her life, BUT they are very hard. A lot of support is needed to be firm and maintain these. It takes time, support, and relearning to be able to set effective boundaries. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Setting boundaries isn’t selfish. It’s self-love – you say “yes” to yourself each time you say “no.” It builds self-esteem. But it usually takes encouragement to make yourself a priority and to persist, especially when you receive pushback

What kind of support do you have for yourself? I am glad you were able to tell your mum and now she understands, as well as your partner, he sounds like a great support.

Are you seeing a Psychologist or counsellor to talk through all of this and go over your boundaries?

It's great you have come to the forums for extra support, we are here for you 🙂

Lunar

[Anne13]

Hi, @devotedmum wondering how things are going with your daughter and family?

[NikNik]

Hi @Anne13 I'm just going to @mention (put a little @ symbol at the start of the name) @devotedmum , so she can see you have posted a question to her 🙂

[Anne13]

Sorry, still learning.