Something’s not right
Dear @aficionado
Thankyou for your thoughts and concern re my situation. I've come to look forward to your kind words of support. I don't know about you, but it's not easy for me to accept generosity like that. I've always been the one to lift the spirits of others. It's new territory for me.
My GP was great. I'm on sickness benefits for 3 months; a huge sigh of relief from me I can tell you.
The stuff about cultural match-makers is interesting. I can totally understand how you feel being questioned as if you're being sold at auction. I don't understand why they can't find another person who isn't into the cultural thing like you. There must be women out there with these values, though advertising it might be confronting I suppose.
I'm trying to focus on what to write but my mind's side-tracked. I had a phone call from my ex tonight. I contacted him a week ago to be a referee for the job application process. I'm sure he thinks the door's open again and is trying to use me as a sounding board for his insecurities and problems; one of the reasons things ended the way they did.
He's in a bad way physically and mentally which makes it hard to withdraw from the conversation. I should just say I'm sorry but can't help. But oh no, I listened for nearly 2 hours as he jumped from one subject to the next without taking a breath.
I'm sorry my friend; I've had it good not having conflict or drama in my life for quite a while now. This past couple of weeks since Centrelink-Gate (lol) is unusual. I've become accustomed to a peaceful existence.
I wish I could write something profound and giving, but my mind isn't in the right space I'm afraid. Please give me a couple of days to reboot...
Warm thoughts;
Hope (hug) 
👵
If whatever I said made you feel better, even if it was just 1%, I'm happy about that! And I can relate to what you said, about you being the one to lift others' spirits and not vice-versa. In fact, I still remember what a total stranger said to me when I was struggling with several aspects of life, and attempted to take my own life (this was several years ago) - 'You are like a candle that burns itself out to give light to others'. And this person had supposedly learnt a lot from me through my online posts and blogs, although I hardly knew them.
I believe it should be default human behavior to help and lift up fellow humans, but unfortunately, the world today is full of selfish, narcissistic and arrogant people who don't give a hoot. And this 'looking forward to the uplifting words', is mutual!
Wow, so you can now take a breather for the next 3 months! That's good to know!
The purpose of cultural matchmaking is to try and match you up with someone from a similar cultural background. This is what people WANT. Those of us who are not aligned with our cultural, shouldn't really be looking for matches through a cultural matchmaker. The only reason I did, was because it was unrealistic for me to find a match in any other way (because of my severe insecurities and inferiority complex). But I am glad I didn't go deep into this and just accept someone out of desperation. I have realised, though my own experience and those of others, that marrying an incompatible person is much worse than staying alone.
As for women with similar values as me, of course they do exist. But as I mentioned above, they wouldn't be seeking the help of a cultural matchmaker because they aren't fully aligned with the culture. If they did, they'd face similar issues as me. From what I have noticed, such women are often already married to, or in a relationship with confident, strong, affirmative men who had what it takes to woo, impress, court and pursue these women. It appears like sensible, single and available women from my cultural background are an endangered species! Hehe! I am not sure about women from other backgrounds, but as I mentioned in a previous post, I feel too insecure and inferior to pursue them or get to know them. I often feel like all doors are closed on me in this matter, but I still believe maybe a small window or two are still open even if the doors are closed. Only time will tell! I just want to focus on my education and career, because these are at least within my control. Other things aren't.
Oops! I don't get why some people try to look for an open door like this. Isn't there any other person who can act as your referee? You have enough on your plate already, so you could probably do without additional stress. You gotta take care of your life and well being first. The ex is an 'ex' for a reason.
Here's hoping and wishing that you get back your peaceful days - sooner rather than later!
You have written a lot of good stuff already, so you don't really have to 'wish' that you did!
Have a lovely weekend! Cheers! 
Lovely to hear from you @aficionado
Yes, your writing style has a calming effect on me I must say; thankyou. Intelligence plus being an interested communicator are appealing qualities, especially for women. Traditionally we're the ones who do all the talking, so having someone to talk 'with' is a bonus.
I feel much better today, though broken sleep and slight triggers from my ex have been a bit of a problem. Unfortunately he's the only one I could turn to from that job as the rest were put off by my behaviour prior to and during my breakdown; it was at work. Listening to him the other night was more about ensuring he gave a positive critique to enquiries.
I understand about finding a compatible partner more than you might think. My ex husband was similar; not being connected to his family and culture I tried to create a bridge by writing to his mum asking if it was ok to marry him.
Her reply was heartfelt, bestowing kindness and gratefulness upon me for giving him the opportunity to straighten his life out. After he left me she wiped her hands of him until he remarried years later.
I'm truly sorry you've experienced past suicidal tendencies. Thank goodness you didn't succeed because knowing you as I do, I think the world's a far better place with you in it!
'You are like a candle that burns itself out to give light to others'. A lovely simile Aficionado and so true. Strangers can provide the most timely and wise words of comfort. An elderly lady approached me while I was seated on a bench crying. She hugged me and said she'd say a prayer for me that night. It gave an instant feeling of not being alone in the world which was one of the reasons I was upset.
Feeling in control is so important for confidence though your description of how inferior you are doesn't sit well with me. You are far above what I'd consider average my friend. When you look in the mirror you're seeing through tainted eyes, not those around you.
Get closer to the mirror and look into your eyes; they're the windows to your soul. If they're kind, smiling eyes with good intent, people will be drawn to them and the rest will follow.
You have a great weekend too. Thankyou for the sentiments Aficionado; yours are wispers on a cool wind to enhance my day.
Till next time; take care... "Be the ball!" lol
Warm thoughts;
Hope xo 👵
Good morning and salutations @aficionado
Knowing I helped you feel the way you described made me grin from ear to ear. Isn’t it lovely to begin and/or end each day with a smile? 😊 I’m glad you liked the quote because it’s one of my fave’s; so elegant.
I do understand the way you see yourself, though maybe you should peruse your first post and compare the emotion and sentiments behind yesterday’s one; I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Recovery is a step by step process of tiny successes. Accept, cherish and remember each one as they’re the harbingers of things to come.
I pondered your tragic story of losing your loved one to another and the unkind response of so-called friends. Is it any wonder you feel the way you do about yourself? Situations such as this ‘wound’ us deeply. They turn into painful scars without proper intervention and support.
I honestly think you’ve taken on the responsibility of ‘her’ actions. I know this scenario too well my friend. I’d like to tell you something about myself to help you comprehend the damage others can do at times of personal tragedy.
The truth is, some people need to find fault in the easiest way possible to rid themselves of accountability or follow toxic ‘learned’ behavior/beliefs passed down through generations. Here is my story…
I lived with the love of my life when I was 20-21. Just before I turned 22, he violently sexually assaulted me without any indication of rhyme or reason; it tore at my soul. I immediately went to the police station.
The police informed me it was his word against mine even though they believed my words; they dropped me off at my parents’ home where my mum and sister were. I found out dad was at the pub having a drink with him; what a blow this was. And, the first words from mum was; “What did you do to make him do that to you?”
As crushing as his assault on me was, those words from my own mother were far more upsetting and destructive in the scheme of things. Until I was in my fifties, I’d believed her – that I’d been the cause of his treatment toward me.
I left him and went into a clinical depression where I couldn’t sleep, eat or even drink water without vomiting. I was literally dying of a broken heart. Skip 30 years to an evening watching TV. A movie gave me pause so I turned it off and thought about blame and guilt.
It suddenly dawned on me how I’d let mum’s words ‘get in’. I ‘felt’ it deep in my body and psyche how I’d believed her and tortured myself for those 30 years over something that was out of my control and fervently his fault!
I cried and grieved for hours, not for what he’d done or what mum said, but for a life lost to self-blame and bringing that belief into other relationships – bad things happen because of me.
Logically of course this is rubbish, but for a girl of 21 knowing even her mother and father forgave him and saw me as the cause, it destroyed my ability to live the life I truly deserved. I actually did this to myself.
So, what I’m passing on to you my dear friend, is to live your life according to what good people say and, the truth. It wasn’t your fault! What you look like had no baring at all on her choice to do what she did and how she did it. Please don’t waste your life away believing toxic skewed words of ignorance and toxic beliefs.
My mum and dad had came from families where paternal aggression was accepted, expected and tolerated. For women, taking the blame was easier than not having a man to bring the money in as there was no support for single mothers back then.
I’ve forgiven my parents since, but have to be self-aware when looking at abusive behavior towards me, otherwise I fall into the grip of familial toxicity again.
I’m sorry this has been such a long post, but I truly wanted to help you realise the error of your ways. I can see it from the outside looking in through my experience in such matters, it’s what helps me provide credible counsel.
I believe in you…truly from my heart and soul. You are not the man you perceive...you are so, so much more.
Hope xo 👵
You are absolutely right about beginning and ending the day with a smile. I am trying to get into the habit of doing something I enjoy, first thing after I wake up and the last thing before I go to bed. I do this even when I have had, or am expecting a really rough day. It does help, sometimes a lot, and at other times a bit.
Oh yeah, I have certainly improved my views on myself since my first post. No doubt about that. It just sometimes gets a bit frustrating, and at that point my logical thinking goes for a toss, replaced my emotional mayhem.
I have realised, over the years, that my first ex cheating on me wasn't my fault. I am certainly at peace with the fact now. But when it did happen, the blow was massive.
I found myself wiping a few tears off my face as I read what you went through. It was extremely unfair and unjust, no matter how you look at it. I don't know what else to say about this. I do understand how it was similar to my experience, regarding the blame taken for someone else's fault. But the trauma would have haunted you for years, and perhaps it still does. No one deserves to go through what you did.
I can 'somewhat' relate to your experience, although it was quite different for me. I was sexually assaulted for almost a year on a regular basis, by a much older man who was known to me. Worst part is, I was just 9 years old at that time. Too young to even realise what was happening to me. In fact, my doctors have mentioned that this could be the main reason why I developed BPD. No one knows about this except my doctors, my most recent ex, and a few anonymous people online. I am unable to go into details, since I was so young and my memories are muddled and traumatic. The monster who did this to me is now dead, but his actions have likely scarred me for a lifetime.
The worst part is, I couldn't even reach out to anyone because in my home country, the belief during the late 90s was that men can't be sexually assaulted. Even if I did, no one would have believed me except maybe my parents. And they'd be shattered, and blame themselves for not protecting me. So I decided it was best kept to myself.
Anyway, getting that part out was a huge relief for me, even if it is on an anonymous forum. I feel lighter. Thank you for reading through this!
I don't mind long posts at all, especially when every word has such a profound effect on me.
Once again, thank you for your belief, faith and trust. These words of encouragement helps me bring out my inner strength.
I have had a pretty dull start to the week, so I gotta spice it up a bit! 
Hello there @aficionado
I just wanted to let you know I've read your post and will need to think about what you've written before I reply. Maybe I'll read it a few times first.
Till then, please know I hear you and validate your words, not just as a friend, but as someone who was also corrupted as a child.
Take care;
Hope xo 👵💌
Hi @aficionado 🖐
I hope your day's going well. I'm doing ok; I wasn't sure how to respond to your post as I needed to process it a bit more. I went a bit vague which isn't unexpected considering the subject matter.
Firstly, I'm very sorry you endured such a horrible experience as a child. Your doctors are probably right. Young brains aren't built to cope with such trauma. Anyone affected by it will attest to the crippling effects over their lifetime.
In my case it was my father. (non biological) When he was home I was always hyper-vigilant and fearful. The thing about that was it became normal. It's bad enough going through it, but watching each gesture trying to anticipate when he was coming to me, was a torturous daily event. I've had gender and body issues ever since thinking my femininity was to blame; it first occurred when puberty set in at 11.
Shifting from one mood to another would surely become habitual as brain chemistry goes. As children we were powerless to fight or run away, (polar opposites) so we taught ourselves to cope in childlike ways like throwing ourselves back and forth between fun and suffering in silence. How oppositional or bi polar could that be? Our brains adjusted to this routine as so began our MH plight.
I'm sure you've contemplated similar concepts throughout your life just as I have. Recognising when I'm responding to life like a child is an ongoing battle. I actually dreamed about it last night; befriending children and relying on them to be in charge. How serendipitous? 😮
And speaking of belief, faith and trust? Thank you for trusting me with your deepest secret. Trust is earned, so I feel quite honoured.
I'm spending more time now on the business so I won't be logging in as much. I'll still pop in to see if you've posted though. 😊
Until next time, take care;
Hope xo 👵
