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Lemonjuice
Senior Contributor

Suicide prevention program

Hi, I haven't been on for a while, hope everyone is well.

 

My new counsellor has talked to her supervisors and they are insisting that I go for a psych assessment by a psychiatrist and join a program that provides an intensive suicide prevention course or something like that.  I am seeing one of their intake people on Monday.  This feels really weird to me, my attempts and feelings have always been secret.  I just tough it out and I have been doing that for about 40 years.  I am high funtioning, bubbly, friendly, most of the time and always caring for others.  The idea that someone is paying attention or caring for me, seeing me, like I exist, feels so alien and rather uncomfortable.  I'm a bit scared and frustrated, cause there's a part of me that wants to die and this is going the wrong direction. This is going to be a waste of time, I have so much on, right now. Just not going to think about it, go and be my happy self, limit the damage and get out of the situation.  So stupid, I let myself talk about how bad I get when I was feeling weak and now I am stuck with a two month program.🤦‍♀️:face_with_rolling_eyes:

13 REPLIES 13

Re: Suicide prevention program

Hi @Lemonjuice, good to see you again. Thanks for sharing with us, it must be a new experience to be opening that part of your life with these carers and seeing their support. Is there any part of you that is feeling a little relieved to be talking to them about it? Sending love Heart

Re: Suicide prevention program

@Ali11 💓 to you too.  Not so much relieved because I don't think there's anything they can really do...I mean, it's been some 40 years now, kind of set in my thinking and personality.  I self-sabotage too; I'm suppose to be doing lower back exercises for pain relief, I have cancelled twice with the physio cause I have yet to start, and I guess that's that.  So if they start talking meditation, mindfulness, positive thinking, different exercises, etc, I know already I will fail.  I will try, and really mean it, but then I will fail.  Add that to the list of reasons to drop dead.  I will try though, as messed up as I am, I do know I don't want to end up in a psych ward.

Re: Suicide prevention program

We are happy to hear that you will give it a go @Lemonjuice, it's time that you put yourself first and by talking with your counsellor, you're heading in the right direction, even if you feel that it is wrong. We hope that you do get something positive out of it. Heart

Re: Suicide prevention program

Hey @Lemonjuice ,

 

I'm concerned about what's going on for you at the moment especially around thoughts of suicide. It's great that you've come here to share your story, and I've sent you an email offering a little extra support as well.

Re: Suicide prevention program

@Jynx I'm ok.  This is more about longterm, light level, suicide ideation and dealing with that.  It's only gotten worse the past four years cause of issues at home, as I am a full-time carer.  Long story, but I'm ok.

Re: Suicide prevention program

@Ali11  thanks.  

Re: Suicide prevention program

hi @Lemonjuice 

 

I have not been on a course like that, but I resonate with your experience of being very familiar with managing SI on my own for most of my adult life. What can I learn etc etc

 

It can feel confronting to find that therapist has seen inner hidden thoughts ... or more like extrapolated from some of the throw away lines we might use. It is a good sign that they are doing some caring for YOU rather than you always the carer.

 

I hope it is worthwhile even if it seems annoying.  I have found getting some of Suicidal thinking OUT has had an effect of reducing it. I hope that happens with you.

Apple

Smiley Happy

 

 

Re: Suicide prevention program

Hey @Lemonjuice, checking in and seeing how you are going. Are you still going ahead with the course? 

Re: Suicide prevention program

@Appleblossom I am nervous and all over the place about it.  I have so much on, I don't know if I have the time and energy to be doing one more thing. If I don't go ahead, my therapist might insist and then what.  If I refuse, they might freak out and I end up in hospital or have them making even more demands. I find myself changing my mind every so often.  Pretend that I am ok, it's not so bad, be honest, etc. Exhausting, but this is it, at least I will know for sure where I am on this issue by tomorrow lunchtime...nothing worse than imagining what will be said and how I will respond.

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