Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Tiggeroo]

Hey @M_A,

I too have a partner with Bipolar... and unfortunately yes, in the past, i have been told on MANY an occasion, to leave, to f* off, to get out, that i dont love him, that he doesnt love me, that i make everything difficult... you are not alone! xx 

My partner has told me on many occasions he isnt actually angry with me, he is just so angry at everything and i am always there, so i cop it. 

I cannot advise what will work for you but here is my story, which may help. After many sessions of counselling (with both of us in the session) we discovered that my partner had never really had anyone stick by him (he is from a family who split to opposite ends of the country when he was young) and with his new diagnosis he didnt think I was going to stick around either. So we worked on our communication skills and focussed on "i am feeling..." statements, and I would always end mine with "i am feeling... but i understand your feelings and I love you". If he told me to get out, i would say "I am going out for x time, to allow you some time to gather your thoughts and then i will be back to discuss without yelling at each other", this also gave me time away to regroup and get my game face on for round two. He didnt like physical closeness to people in general (it made him uncomfortable) so sometimes after he had calmed down but before we would talk, i would sit near him and just reach out to touch him so he knew i wasnt angry at him (even if i secretly was!). As time moved on, we both (but mostly him) got better at explaining our feelings and the "verbal abuse" stopped as he learned to express himself properly. 

Even though now my partner is quite stable, in times of high stress he will sometimes forget to talk, or just ignore that step because he is being a jerk and still say hurtful things. I am more confident now to tell him that i dont believe he means them and that i do not deserve to be spoken too like that so i am going out for a while as he has upset me, and you MUST go out, dont stay and be upset, go and do something for yourself, i like to take a book to a cafe and have a coffee. He will then apologise and explain to me why he acted the way he did, we then address what is causing him stress and i ask him to come up with an idea as to how we together can help get him through it. 

Having a partner with Bipolar is challenging. If you are both willing to put in the effort to push through I would encourage you to do so as there is always a sunrise after the dark, but utilise health professionals such as psychologists, you need the support as much as he does.

Best of luck,

Tigs

xx

[M_A]

Thank you for your support. Unfortunately communication about feelings is impossible. He was raised that he doesn't have feelings or emotions. He actually told me the other day that he doesn't yell at me, he gets excited. Sure sounds like yelling to me. Our time to be together is running short. I know he is feeling very stressed about it. He doesn't seem to realize stressing and "getting excited' about things are making our last few weeks very unpleasant. Shouldn't we be enjoying being together instead of me walking on eggshells everyday? Its like living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
Thanks again for your advice and support. So much more than just bipolar going on, but I believe its our biggest hurdle.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @M_A

Its just a suggestion ... but maybe you can set up a couple of special "adventure" days before you have to leave again .... like a day at the zoo ... or an aquarium centre ....

Perhaps ere is a day trip you can take somewhere together and have the sort of dinner date that is special to you ... fish and chips on the beach ... tapas in a cafe-bar .... quiet Italian corner .... ?

Amongst all the "excited loud talk" it will be creating other memories to both take with you, and to leave behind with him ... you need to put some bits and peices into the treasured memories box ...

🌷