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Holiday
Contributor

Splitting

Hi ! 

Just  signed up. Literally  now. Have read everything  i can on BPD.  Its very  jarring . I wondered if anyone had any experience with splitting ? Father  of my 3 children has left us. He had BPD . He is also an alcoholic  who self harms. Very tricky... 

26 REPLIES 26

Re: Splitting

*has BPD

Re: Splitting

Hi, I just joined for similar reasons. Might current circumstances in the world triggered his behaviour? Do you love him when things are going good? I'm currently looking to educate myself on the possibility of if things can be patched up, while also looking into legal aid. I hope you are looking after yourself. I winter about family counseling, family meditation as well. Good luck!

Re: Splitting

Hi radiantwarmth!

We have been together a very long time. Spent alot if time in couples therapy. I love him very deeply.  The real him. Unfortunately he has alcohol addiction and he medicates his BPD by drinking to numb his pain. 

He cheated on me when he split 1 year ago. Done it again now. Splitting is no joke . Its brutal. 

 

Get legal advice for sure 

Re: Splitting

*just to arm yourself if it goes pear shaped. If you have a house and  children as i do. 

 

Splitting is extremely difficult to deal with. Stop walking on eggshells  is such a good bible to learn back and  forth when  you  have  a BPD loved one. 

That great mantra it says:

You  didnt cause it

You cant control it

You cant cure it

Get off their  back

Get out of their way 

And Get  in with  your  life.

 

Trying to  have a life for yourself aside from  your boarderline  is key . But also hard when you love them so much 

Re: Splitting

I like and agree with what you say Holiday. Our loved ones aren't bad people, but their behaviour can be devastating to them and all who love them.
Personally, I plan to give my partner praise when she sells it, while she is in her current phase. Hopefully in a few weeks when she might be more reflective, I will remind her that I accept her for the way she is.

However then may be a time to talk about the future of the relationship. To split, what will happen to the kids. Perhaps it might be easier for the relationship of we live apart and have the space so partner can link in when they are well and better for me to have dodge to recover when my partner is unwell. I think might be relevant to you too. I think timing is key and when they are willing to listen.

Re: Splitting

Timing is everything radiantwarmth! So so true.

Re: Splitting

Hi Holiday, I hope you are feeling better, stronger today in your situation. Just thought you may just find some of my plan of action useful in your situation. 

 

I did an online chat about separating at ba legal Aid Victoria's website where they sent me an email off brochures and useful information. I found that empowering when rewarding through the actual relevant family law. Then, there is Relationships Australia where I might see if my partner would like to try counselling, otherwise meditation and parenting obligations. Looks to be cheap if not free. The local provider is doing sessions online via videochat. Then I let my parents know about the situation and that things could go either way. Centrelink is coming you the party. I began a diary a few days ago to make notes of my partner's behaviour, for future references and if it helps legal matters in future. Finally, on Thursday I'll buy my partner a nice gift to let her know I care about her. Gifting is her primary "love language". Do you know the book, 5 Love Languages?

 

Hope you don't mind the long message but maybe there is something useful there for you. 

Re: Splitting

Thanku  radiant! 

That all sounds aweosme , im so happy for you if that has helped you🤗

 

I have been on a rollercoaster  past few days... his splitting is vile at the moment. 

Ive decided to block him  . I can't take the abuse anymore...

I did manage to save our home for the children and I.  So that's a victory.  Finally went to unconditional sale to me.

 

I think you sound really kind to persist with gifting and thinking of your loved one. 

That's  a testament to your character.  

Because loving someone that has BPD can be challenging.  

 

I have to keep reminding  myself  that the awful things  he says has nothing  to do with me .. hard  to do when he goes out of his  way to  be so mean. 

Re: Splitting

Hi Holiday,

 

How is your situation at the moment? I hope life is less of a rollercoaster for you now and more stable? Blocking sounds like a wise thing to do! I have blocked my ex and her parents as well.

 

I wonder if my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder rather than Bipolar. However, for me it doesn't matter anymore as the relationship is well and truly over. Now it's all about our 16 month old son.

 

Ashley

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