Rumination and unhelpful coping strategies. TW: Addictive tendencies

[AuntGlow]

Thank you so much for sharing this @creative_writer 💕

The first thing that came to mind as I read this was gentle 'reparenting'. The idea of cultivating that loving inner guide who says, "No, what happened wasn't okay, but I have got you and you are safe now." I know this can be hard to do this for ourselves and it certainly takes practice, as it also requires self-soothing, but I think it could be helpful and healing for you. You could name that part of you, give it a character, a voice? I would love to hear more about them if you decide to! Just a thought though, and it's totally okay for you say that isn't for you. 

I understand that inner tension and I am here to remind you that what you have been through was really hard and it certainly wasn't okay. At the same time, I can see how hard you are working to better understand yourself and cultivate inner safety, which is huge. 🥰

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I think we all have an inner child within us. My inner child is wounded and needs to be comforted by the adult me. I never got the support and parenting I needed when I was younger. I don’t blame my parents, they just didn’t know what to do. There is a lot of depression on my maternal side, my mum is naturally very heightened and my dad does not know what to do with emotions. I needed more emotional support growing up as a kid. I have attachment trauma, trauma from growing up with a parent with mental illness (I’ve seen my mum suicidal) and bullying from school. SA happened when I was an adult, but I was still mentally an adolescent at that stage. I tried to turn to my mum, but couldn’t get support, and later my dad didn’t know how to support me. I couldn’t turn to anyone else. I only got support when I knew I was stuck and the only way through was to get support. I have years of pent up emotions, and constantly felt misunderstood. Nobody knew I was ND until I was an adult. ND individuals are often seen as too quirky and weird by their peers.

I know a lot has happened, and it’s still painful. Ultimately I realise we can direct our pain into purpose. Obviously I’ll never be okay with it all. I can forgive my parents and peers. SA is a bit harder to forgive. I don’t want to have this bitterness inside me, so I’m still figuring out. I have a passion for mental health that is deep rooted and first hand insight on mental health struggles. I’m getting closer at being at peace with my fate. Sorry, I feel like that was a lot

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like a lot you've had to work through and process, and I hear how challenging this can be.

It takes a lot of strength to reach out and reflect on what's working and what's not.

I can totally relate to 'addictive tendences' - whether it's self-harm, thought patterns, food etc... I can relate. 

I hope you are able to work your way through these challenges to be the YOU that you want to be. @creative_writer 

[creative_writer]

@tyme I don’t engage is stereotypical SH behaviour anymore, I stopped because it wasn’t really providing enough relief. My mind started searching for other destructive ways to get relief. Whether they count as SH, I do not know, but my mind is drawn to the unhealthy. I think I’ve spent my life trying to avoid uncomfortable emotions. People would tell me to stop crying so much when I was a kid. Now, I stuff tears inside me because letting go doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to people to see me cry. My bed is the safest place to let go.

I have a long way to go, I don’t know how I’m going to get there yet

[tyme]

In a way, anything that is more than in moderation can be counted as 'unhealthy'.. right? Even if it is okay @creative_writer 

So yeah, I hear what you are saying. 

[creative_writer]

@tyme that is true. I think whatever falls in the self-destructive category needs to be kept in check. The thing is it’s easier to address earlier than later, once in the cycle, it is harder to break free. I’m having urges right now, but I don’t want to ruin my sleep tonight by acting on impulses. Lack of sleep will make it hard to function tomorrow.

I’m also having a panic attack, but not sure why. It’s weird

[tyme]

I find control breathing helps during panic attacks @creative_writer 

I guess that's the nature of panic attacks.. we never know why!

[AuntGlow]

Not a lot at all @creative_writer, I appreciate you trusting me with your feelings and experiences. 🥰

You have such beautiful and honest insight here. I get the sense that your mind has so many answers and knows what to do, but that your body is still yet to feel truly safe in order for you to do so. Needing support and consistency from the adults around you is understandably something you would deeply crave. You have been through so much pain without a reliable anchor and that would make it incredibly hard to trust that you are safe. Given all of these experiences, I really do think you are doing much better than you realise. 💛

I am curious to know how you have been directing your pain into purpose as of late? 

And lastly, what would a more stable, loving inner-parent look like for you?

[creative_writer]

@tyme I was able to get it to settle down and drifted off to sleep afterwards. Maybe it was emotions getting triggered. I didn’t do much afterwards, I just got ready for bed and did my skincare. Maybe the skincare routine calmed me.

@AuntGlow I’m trying to learn to feel safe but it’s hard when I have constant flashbacks. It’s frustrating, I can’t seem to get a break from them. They have been bothersome today. I wish I knew how to get them to not come so often, but I really don’t know. I’m lost on that one.

I consider myself a spiritual person and I’ve worked towards getting a career in mental health. I just graduated from a masters in social work last year. I’m also starting with Lifeline as a volunteer soon, hopefully I don’t get too triggered, I’ll try to pace myself.

A more stable inner parent would comfort the small vulnerable child in me, and will validate and sit with the uncomfortable.

I literally forgot I had a GP Telehealth appointment today. Was lucky that I had the phone close by. Maybe I was stuck in my head and my ADHD forgetfulness took over

[creative_writer]

Does anyone know how to manage constant flashbacks day in and out? My body doesn’t feel right these days, and it’s been going on for a very long time