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Re: Need to vent

Great picture @Shaz51 

 

Sorry to hear about this extra stress @BlueBay not what you need right now.

 

💙💙

Re: Need to vent

it's just frustrating. I will try to ignore it. ---- it is hard my @BlueBay but trying to explain it wont work xx

hello @Eve7 Heart

Re: Need to vent

Yes - you can cope @BlueBay 

 

And I know how frustrating it is to have a partner who can't or won't or just doesn't share the load

 

Of course Huffnpuff can learn these things - but it seems he won't  - and he just leaves it up to you - and it's immature of him.

 

Perhaps if he figured out how to look at the bank balance he'd have to do something about it - heaven forbid - and get an evening job for a while

 

It's not your fault - finances are the way they are - I earned more than my ex-h and yet I had grown up with the quaint idea that I would be a stay-at-home mum and rear the kids - so I worked when I had to - but the other half got to work late and lost jobs often and resented my qualifications. The funny thing is we met at night school but he never finished

 

I gather from reading what other people wrote that women do pick up the larger load - so we are not alone - I wonder why it is that there are men who do not support their families

 

Anyway - I also think you have decided not to worry about it - after all - all the worry in the world won't change anything - just help you to unravel when you need to keep the stress hormones down - that's the priority atm.

 

It is a bloody pain though - some men - enough said

 

Dec

Re: Need to vent

Hi everyone 

Thsnks @Owlunar  for replying. Maybe it's my fault for doing everything. The banking the bills the shopping etc.  if I showed him earlier in our married life he may have done it. I don't know. 
I'm feeling very sorry for myself this morning. Hubby out all day at a car show with his mate. I'm home in bed still not wanting to do anything. I saw bits of the funeral of prince Philip this morning and it brought tears. 
A walk would be good but I csnt bring myself to get up snd go. I should though. 

I wrote a reply in another post about not getting a validation from my mum reg the abuse. I think I know deep down she'll never validate me. But it hurts so much. It's touches me so deep that I feel my heart is a bit broken. @Owlunar  I csnt get my head around this. Maybe I should speak to my psychologist about it. 
it will be nice to get away tomorrow for 3 days. Even though it will be cold it will be nice to have a change of scenery. Hoping to see lots while there. 
hi to @Shaz51 @Eve7 @Flying_Hams @BPDSurvivor  @NatureLover @Emelia8 

hope you all have an ok day 

@Emelia8 thinking of you lovely xxxx

Re: Need to vent

Hi @BlueBay 

 

I read your post about your mother earlier - and I wondered - 

 

Which is worse for you? The abuse or your mother's failure to validate you? I reckon it's your mother

 

And you are right - your mother won't change and somehow you need to find a way to validate yourself - we believe you - your therapists believe you - your  whole world believes you except your mother and I do understand -  I really do

 

It was the same for me with my mother and my son dying. I won't go into details - she thought it was for the best and in many ways it was - she denied that I loved him and how much his dying hurt.

 

This all comes back to acceptance of the past - since my mother died I have been okay about so much but when it came to my son and his life and death I didn't wait that long to get past my mother. She's like yours in so many ways it's creepy. I have an idea that your mother resented your early birth - as if it was your fault and how could that be. My mother resented my spirit and tried to break it but totally failed. What a battle though and like you with your mother - I was always wrong and that's okay because with some people there isn't their way or the highway - it's only their way. I did take the highway though 

 

What a horrible way to live a life - with so much resentment and the need to punish someone for a lifetime - just needing to pile on the ill-will and grudges and never giving way until it's an habitual way of life

 

I am sorry BlueBay - and I know more than just how painful it is for you - I have been there. There is no way of being nice to such people -  I know you are not sucking up to her - just trying be kind and thoughtful toward her - and she thinks she scores - and she doesn't unless you let it go on.

 

And of course walking out won't work either - as far as she is concerned - but for you - keeping away is the only way

 

And about the abuse - I think she is angry that you made this revelation about your brother - the only boy hey! - the Golden Child - how dare you blame him! - she will never admit he was the aggressor and he was.

 

When it comes to forgiving people and accepting the past we do it for our well-being - not for anyone else - we forgive the wrongs - real and imagined - other people have done us - and yet - what some people forget is that the words forgive and forget do not belong in the same sentence. Except this sentence. I will never forget how I was treated by my original family - it was painful to stay away for years as I did - several times. I changed my name - and imagine that - it was if I had done something terribly wrong and sinful - and my choices made perfect sense to me - 

 

Anyway - what I wish you could do is find a way to accept all of this - you cannot change any of it really - an you suffer. 

 

About Huffnpuff - it's not your fault he doesn't understan simple household affairs - you did it and he let you - it was easy for him to do that - he could learn now but it's easy for him not to - no need to blame yourself though - I looked after things in my marital home - I don't blame my ex-h for his uselessness - and he was totally helpless when the kids had some kind of emergency. He was this mother's favourite child and your husband was an only child - it's the way it can be at times I think

 

But don't let him blame you when the bank balance is low - that's not on. He's precious about his car and the motor show - I hear that - it was my ex-h's top priority to go to the Masonic Lodge and I didn't care about it but resented what I had to do about it. As if I had the time with everything else I did. I do hear you. Hmm - I really do

 

Your being angry and unhappy about the way you have been treated is understandable but I had said it before - you need to take your power back for yourself - no one suffers but you with all this unhappiness in your life. Your abusers don't care - your mother doesn't care - they go on with their lives and you suffer

 

I don't want that for you - I know it hurts but you need to have your power in among  your coping tools - yes - talk it over with your psychologist - tell her what I wrote in this post - show her this post - or bits of it - and she what she says

 

All the best - I realy do care so much for you and want a better life for you

 

Dec

 

And yes - I have been to the Grampians - once - when I was ten years old - I do remember those fantastic mountains though - I have seen a lot of Victoria as an adult but I haven't been back to the Grampians - I hope you have a good break

 

 

Re: Need to vent

Hi @Owlunar 

thanks again for your continuing support and understanding of what it's like to have such a controlling, manipulative horrible mother.

Reg. my brother - I am not sure if I have written this here before - but my parents DON'T know about my brother.  you see at the time of telling my mum about my childhood abuse I only told her about my neighbour and uncle as my dad had just come out of hosptial with heart issues and I didn't want his health to deteriorate because of my revelation of my brother.  Hence I have kept this one very close to me and have not mentioned it.

My sister (the one i talk to) asked me, over the phone, at the time if my brother had done anything to me.  I started to cry and replied yes.  She said she had an inkling that he was involved.  She then asked if i remember anything about her being abused - i had to keep quiet on that one too.  I couldn't tell her yes that i had seen my brother abuse her too.  at the time time my sister was not well with a lot of issues and i couldn't see her get worse, i couldn't tell her.  So i said no.

See this is what i have been thinking - she knows about my brother, or she senses that he is involved.  Why? because he has not called me to even see how i am when i told my mum about the abuse.  Of course he is not going to because he most likely remembers that he abused me too, so why would he call me? Wouldn't she want to know why we dont' speak.  My poor dad would be devastated if he knew and believe me some days i really want to tell her who the third person was.

I also blame my dad a bit for not been there that day I told mum.  I am angry that he lets her control him.  Why? for peace and quiet, does he not say anything.    My brother has done some horrible things in his life and one of them was involved where he worked and my dad worked at same place.  my dad was more or less told to leave his job becasue of my brother and what he had done.  my dad was embarassed, ashamed and left very very hurt.  you know my dad was telling me about this a few months ago and he started to cry.  I have never seen my dad cry.  He must have been hurt very badly by my brother.  But again, my brother is, i think, like my mum only cares for himself and what he can get out of others for his benefit.  he will use people for his benefit.  

 

The abuse as a child has broken me; it hurts, painful memories, flashbacks and so many questions.  It happened and there is nothing i can do about it.  The only thing i can do is to have less contact with my parents and live my life, a happy life the way i would like to.

Which is worse for me? - as much as the abuse has hurt me and was disgustingly horrible I think that my mother's invalidation and behaviour to the revelation is worse.  Because i know that me, as a mother, would NEVER do that to my daughter.  i would never abandon her if she came up to me and told me she has suffered.  I would take my daughter in and hold her, say sorry, and talk calmly and make sure she was okay.  I would not yell at her or attack her verbally - like my mother did to me.

You would think that a 'normal' mother would sit down with my dad and me and hubby, just the four of us and discuss this like adults. no screaming, no yelling or finger pointing.  just sit and listen.  you would think she would want to know what happened, how did it happen, when did it happen? you would think she would ask me 'how are you feeling, how are you coping' 'is there anything i can do for you' 'can dad and i help' - all of that = zero!!!

Zero help, zero support = zero love.

 

OK, i understand they come from a different generation, a very strict culture and different ways of lviing.  I know they don't show emotion or speak of it either.  My parents have never told me they love me.  Or even tell me they are proud of me. (see now i am crying damn!!!)

But i know i should be proud of my achievements - i have a husband who Ive been married to for 35 yrs, 3 beautiful healthy adult children and a gorgeous little granddaughter.  I worked before i had kids, stayed home for 10 years raising my kids, then went back to work.  We were never rich, we did try to go on little holidays with the kids, oh yeah all of this while having a mother in law live with us for 18 years.  I forgot that.  

And another thing - my mum has no respect for others except herself.  When my MIL was almost dying in nursing home, when i called mum to tell her she wanted to come with us to see her.  But when she died and we had the funeral neither her or dad came.  That is NOT respect.  Respect is that if they didn't want to come to the funeral, because he doesnt' drive anymore and it was far; they could have come to our house to pay respect to my hubby.  They knew my MIL for a very long time, even before hubby and i got together.  His dad was a well know real estate agent.  My younger sister (who chose mums side to not talk to me) lives 5 mins down the road from mum; she sent me a text msg reg. MIL passing.  If she wanted to make amends and peace with us she could have driven mum and dad to our house. Anyway, it's happened now and i can't go back and change things.  

 

It's interesting how she doesn't call me now.  Yet when i am in hospital she tries to act like a good caring mother, calling daily.  But now since i am home from hosptial not one phone call.  And to be honest, I only call her when i feel like it.  could be every 3rd day or even once a week.  Yesterday i thought i better call and see how they are, but its more for my dad to see how he is.  It was literally a 2 min call.  that was it!!!  WTF.  why do i bother.  i got off the phone and thought 'gee that was a great call'.

 

Sorry Dec, I don't know where all this came from; i thinks its my anger and i am venting.

thank you for your understanding.  xxxx

 

Re: Need to vent

Hugs my sister @BlueBay 

Don't be sorry for venting 

Amm I am wondering  what you said about your sister that you talk too  about her being  abused as well 

She might have that feeling  that something  did happen to  her and is not sure about  it 

Hello and hugs @Owlunar ❤❤

Re: Need to vent

Thank you @Shaz51  ❤️ Xx

Re: Need to vent

Hi @BlueBay 

 

It's okay to write all that here - after all - you need to vent and that's what this thread is all about

 

I really understand - families with lots of secrets and lies - my family is like that - and to keep the peace and quiet there has to be a public treaty to hide the private war - so unhealthy - and you will find no judgment from me

 

I didn't know you hadn't told your mother your brother abused you - and he abused your sister too - what an a......e - I am sure your mother knows something - I get that too - my brother is an unpleasant person and I didn't tell my parents what he tried to do because I knew he would just get into more trouble - and there had been enough - why add to the murkiness water when it is already rotten? And I remember in later life when my father told me something about my brother and he had tears in his eyes - it is heartbreaking when one person in the family can cause so much trouble.

 

Heart ache for everyone - and I think better to stop the corrosion in this generation - in my life it has but I am not sure about other people and luckily it's not my probem

 

My mother could not be upset - and hey - it's an upsetting place - this world - shit happens as well all know - but whatever it was my mother could not be upset. I have found dealing with upsetting issues and overcoming them is a way to develop resilience. I think you are learning something about this because you keep on keeping on in this life that is certainly not easy for you

 

You an unload here - people care about you here and keep reading and responding - they wouldn't if they didn't care

 

But give yourself a break now you have expressed your deep unhappiness - your brother doesn't care - of course he remembers but he will never be brought to accout and that is so unfair - unjust

 

But you are okay - really - 

 

Dec

Re: Need to vent

Not feeling good 

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