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Something’s not right

Kurra
Community Elder

More diligent vigilance was needed @

So ..... guess it had to happen.  I either completely missed the early warning signs of an impending greasy pole decline or made an active choice to ignore them.  You can be sure that smarty pants here believed the 'it won't happen to me' mantra.

 

I'm falling apart at the seams, I've holed myself up in my home and pup and I pretty much hide from the world.   This doesn't worry me so much - it will pass eventually. 

 

Habitual default thought patterns have returned wit a vengeance Fri and well, early Sat morning.  This scares me stupid.  In some ways I put the icing on the slippery pole by volunteering for The Sudsy challenge.   The concept is to bring attention to problem of cleaning clothes and bodies for that matter by wearing the same clothes for 72 hours.  A very fluro orange Tshirt explaining the dilemma of the current 116 000 homeless people in Australia. 

 

I truly believed I had come to terms with my lengthy period of homelessness 17 years ago.  Well, it appears to have been the final catalyst and I'm finding it extremely hard to stop myself from from giving in to the negative self talk.

• The "my family would take weeks to even notice I was MIA"

•  The "I just don't care anymore "

•  The "sooner I'm out of this, the better it will be for everyone"

 

There's a right royal pity party going on here.

 

I'll be OK. 

I'm not at risk in anyway.

Just thought it might be an idea to speak out to SANE members before I find myself in a dire situation. 

 

Sorry about the long rant.

Luv n Hugs to all 💕

 

21 REPLIES 21

Re: More diligent vigilance was needed @

 Ah @Kurra . Life has a way of tripping us up when we least expect it. Really glad you have pup. 

 

Glad that hat you are recognising your self talk is BS. Has the challenge happened yet? If not can you pull out for this year. I get it’s not a very kurra thing to do (pull out) but it might help. 

 

I remember you you used to say that you’d switch days of the week when working. Wondering if you could be creative with that. 

 

Do you still have your old mh team? Or did that change when you moved? I know that you’ve had so many changes in the last year. 

 

I cant imagine a kurra pity party but sorry one came to you. Here’s hoping that you can get on top of it quickly. 

 

DEB4C964-EE67-4149-BF6B-AB7CF121772E.jpeg

still have these stored for you with same amount of endearment attached 💜🤗

Re: More diligent vigilance was needed @

Not a pity party @Kurra just the reality you are living with at the moment.  It all sounds pretty tough but I have no doubt you will get through this little period and come out the other side with your usual strength ...just feels harder to do right now. 

Despite what brought you back here to us it is nice to 'see' you Hon Heart

Re: More diligent vigilance was needed @

@Kurra, sending you lots of hugs my friend

we are here for you HeartHeart

 

flowers.jpeg

 

Re: More diligent vigilance was needed @

Ooooh @Kurra 

Great to see you.  

Heart

You are such a strong role model for battling against the odds.

Smiley Happy

I periodically come up against old homelessness issues too.  Whether it is internal or getting into awkward "relationship" with someone who is struggling currently, keep meeting on train, and not quite sure how to get it on even keel. 

 

It can be a massive trigger, and in trying to give support to others, I have to ask myself why, what does it mean, who is it for, and deal with boundary issues which are usually the most neglected issue cos there was no basic physical structure for safety.

 

I have a few good weeks and in one night I can be thrust into the heat of severe suicidal ideation, even after battling it so often.  

 

You matter.  Pup and your music matter.

 

I am struck by your post title ... I have a feeling you are diligent ... at being vigilant. 

Its human to need to relax.

Heart

 

Re: More diligent vigilance was needed @

Hey @Kurra  I decided against doing the Sudsy Challenge as I know I haven’t resolved all the emotional stuff that came with being homeless and having none who cared seemingly. 

 

Know we are always here listening and caring for you and that you are not alone.

Re: More diligent vigilance was needed @

Oh my dearest ones! @Teej @Shaz51 @Zoe7 @Appleblossom I had a feeling checking in here tonight could be risky. I only read a few words of your post Teej and I've been sobbing my heart out since. You have all been so kind to me.
I'm not sure I really deserve your kindness.
As you said Teej or have I got the wrong person, dropping out is not a Kurra thing. I would rapidly turn the weaknesses of dropping out into a cat-o-nine-tails which I would use to thrash myself mercilessly.
There's been so many changes in the year since I retired. Most are good changes for longterm gains. The one that has been relentless is the now rapid deterioration of my skeletal structure. There was a girl here who joined with one name; went away and returned with a different name. She was disgnosed with the same condition I have. It would be goid to talk with her but I've forgotten her pseudonym.

I'm battling on but it is getting seriously harder. My default thoughts would be so much easier.

I can barely see what I'm writing so my darlings, I'll leave you for now.
Luv n Hugzzz 💕🎶💕

Re: More diligent vigilance was needed @

My very dear @Queenie. I've experienced a full on shock reaction and frankly I'm gob smacked. This reaction was most unexpexted. Anyway what's 3 days in the same clothing? It's a long way from the reality of weeks rather than days.

If anything it's been rather a waste of effort. Small rural towns are flat out on Fridays and as dead as a doornail on Saturday and Sunday. It will be interesting to observe the reaction of the congregation when I waltz into the service.

You're right though Queenie. It's fsr too close to the bone.
Thank you all for being here for me at a time of great need and an overwhelming sense of absolute devastation. 🎶💕🎶

Re: More diligent vigilance was needed @

Always here @Kurra  whenever you need. Xx

Re: More diligent vigilance was needed @

always here for you @Kurra  HeartHeartHeart

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