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Letter to my love- Finally gaining clarity from years of pain due to my own bpd and lack of self

I hate to pour out my yarns of thought-provoking wool however I've been doing alot of thinking and discovered quite a bit about your history and tales of my Lordship none of which would have bothered me despite being quite different to the story I was originally told. Had it not been used against me so strongly that I wasn't ready to face my own less than triumphant times it wouldn't have bothered me in the slightest. To know your approach for treating women you supposedly cared by devaluing them and their choices to pursue you despite your own role played out of a fully consensual arrangement is something you really need to think about. Most unbelievably the one who you made out to be your first love that could do no wrong, and the many that followed being by sheer unfortunate bad luck; which we both are strong advocates for, the usual type of woman of which are left to be judged so harshly and then are cursed out for regarding their apprehensions to stay present in an unaccepting circumstance happens to be on a loop.

The most troubled and damaged ones, yet fun and desperate for acceptance that once have fulfilled your tank of excitement and play decide to shame them to the point they're a shell of who they were... including the one you were engaged to (not me much to my shock) is heartbreaking. I have been looking into these circumstances and going over why I could not seem to break your barriers despite you saying they had been released. And while I reside some of the traits of narcissism it seems another may hold a large number of them. I don't hold it against you at all. It kills me to know that I won't be marrying you which is very clear now will I never be good enough to marry in your eyes. I should have been smarter and acknowledged the red flags.

 

She can be cold,  detatched, guarded and have done and been present for moments caused deep shame as a human to the point of complete dillusion or attempted erosion from the mind, doing everything she could to undo those years of pain that developed those mechanisms however you may find upon seeking many disregarded skeletons in your closet that you haven't yet admitted to nor do I believe you've accepted may be closer to home than you think; to be honest having recently gone through the same process.

This is for your future progression and for that ever so pined for closure, this is for you. Because I know what its like to be a certain way and not even realize you're doing it and it destroys you inside slowly like an undetected virus. I just hope you at least look into it and hopefully pursue some healthy coping mechanisms at a chance to be genuinely happy...

 

You're such an amazing person, like us all, you have a dark side only you've never been unloved or unaccepted enough to face it. I think that's why you're struggling so much to face this. I hope you know I'm not discarding what I did whatsoever it just hurts knowing you never had any intentions of even fathoming what life has been like for one as lowly, the lessons that had no choice but to be learned, and downfalls suffered, always left with a ache by loved ones so quick to judge and shame more so than ever in all existence. Yes, despite your predicted desposition on that fact; I have many legitimate facts to rebuttle, quotes and direct actions thanks to your relentless quest on improving me I have learnt alot that prove time and time again even before this thrust into giving my all, pain, hurt and anguish to someone who said I could confide only turned into into a song cannot be left ignored. I always accepted you wholly and openly listened to your experiences, non judgemental and supportive and all the while worked on my faults where I let you down which I apologize for.

 

This is the one way street we meet at. You told everyone including my only existing present relatives falsities with glorified renditions of recollections acquainting one of us a wounded hero, and the other a relentless villain (which sounds quite familiar) to everyone so the fear and hurt of what your family think of is alot but nothing I'm not used to. I told you it wasn't nice to deliver conditional love and dress it up as unconditional to someone who's only ever known love the way you gave it to me. On your terms.

Yes I was shut off sometimes, sometimes a moment would trigger me to the point id shut off and make you feel like you didn't matter, sometimes I was so hurt at the words you said in the heat of the moment despite claiming them to be "constructive" when all it did was hurt beyond comprehension.

 

My daughter has made it quite clear she doesn't feel comfortable coming back, and I have to respect that. No I'm not a perfect mum but you need to respect me as a person who is a hard ass who would do anything for the people she loves. That's all I ever wanted you to understand. My shame never lied upon you, it lied upon myself and it was hard to build on that with the treatment given by the person who I believed was the first person to accept me and then just as quickly take it away.

 

Finding your YouTube videos shaming bpd sufferers Like the one you so claimed you loved like its some sort of plague, that's not support. Until people can accept it fully from both ends and accept their participation. It will never be anything but stigmatized and those who do (yourself included) who definitely suffer from a personality disorder will retaliate and retreat from "help" as opposed to seek comfort.

I love you. But I don't love who I've become with you. I usually submit or say irrational jabber and I'm over the moon this can be said with nothing but logic and something to take from an unfortunate ending. If you're ever to have a healthy relationship in the future you cannot treat someone you love like this. Give unrelenting love and respect and you will receive their trust and honesty . This much I promise you and believe that despite a long road of my own acceptance beyond my own comprehension it was one hundred percent all I ever wanted to give you. That's why it hurt so much to feel it was never enough. The situation was what it was but the feelings were real I don't care how many vlog expert perspectives and questionably overly involved in the personal lives of their patients freelance psychologists may claim.

I'm sorry I wasn't ready for this obstacle in life. I'd give anything to be. Just know the connection we have will remain unmatched for as long as we exist and your help and the love we shared I'll never forget.

 

1 REPLY 1

Re: Letter to my love- Finally gaining clarity from years of pain due to my own bpd and lack of self

Hello @Bdcdc 

I found your post very beautiful although sad.  A lot resonated deeply with my experience. I love your metaphor about wool. Thank you for sharing a wonderful weaving, woven post.

Heart

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