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I’m so bitter and pi$$ed off, feeling sorry for myself

Today, for the first time in 40years I’ve confronted the absolute horror of my childhood.

 

How dare these people steal my life and leave such a screwed up f###ing mess behind.  I’m so angry and hurt I just want to scream.  

 

I just want to punch a hole in something, drink myself stupid, sleep, cry and rage, but I have no energy to do any of it.

 

I feel filthy and disgusting, I want to claw at my skin but nothing is ever going to get them out.

 

I want to know what gives these people (a word I use VERY loosely) the right to do the sick twisted f###ed up things they did and then carry on with their lives like nothing ever happened, like I never mattered.

 

What did I ever do to deserve this??  I feel so helpless, so damn sad and pathetic.

 

 

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21 REPLIES

Re: I’m so bitter and pi$$ed off, feeling sorry for myself

Hi @Razzle, not knowing exactly what you have gone through but I may have some idea. I will be brave and say i was abused sexually and tortured for about 8 years of my life as a very young child. The man also led his life as though nothing had happened. I finally got counselling and after one particularly graphic session i came home and smashed an entire willow pattern dinner set onto the cement.Very cathartic experience . You are in my thoughts. Hope you wilĺ be ok.

 

Re: I’m so bitter and pi$$ed off, feeling sorry for myself

I am sorry for your sadness.

It is wrong that other people can affect the way we think, act and feel.

I hope you can find some peace.

Re: I’m so bitter and pi$$ed off, feeling sorry for myself

Anger makes sense in those circumstances.  Expressing it different ways helps.  Be Creative. Make a painting and burn it.  Symbolic letting go can help.  We cant force the ending of anger, but I believe anger has an end, but each person is unique and needs to find their own path.

Hello   @Razzle @Calmblueocean @Opalina

Re: I’m so bitter and pi$$ed off, feeling sorry for myself

@Calmblueocean  Thankyou for your reply, I’m a bit better this morning, feeling pretty hollow and empty, probably just as sad but my rage has settled.  I guess I have a similar story, sexually abused from age 8 to 12, several different people.  Managed to get some sleep last night, what I needed more than anything I think.

 

@Appleblossom

@Opalina  

Thanks for reaching out ❤️❤️

Re: I’m so bitter and pi$$ed off, feeling sorry for myself

hi @Razzle it sounds really hard for you. i have suffered quite abit through my traumas so can relate to you.
Do you have any supports around you to guide you through the darkness?
you didnt do anything to deserve what you went through, some people are just plain horrible.
But you are survivor and youve gotten this far, it shows what strength and courage youve already got.

Re: I’m so bitter and pi$$ed off, feeling sorry for myself

@outlander  I am doing it tough at the moment, there’s not much support around for me here.  

 

My husband and I are in marriage counciling at the moment, we are on very shaky ground and I haven’t been confiding much in him.  To be honest, he has lost all my trust.  Our marriage Councellor is also my abuse councillor and we have a marriage counciling session tomorrow.  At this session my husband will be filled in on some of the details, he know’s of my past history, but so far he has had the very basic glossed over version.  How he reacts (supportive is not one of his strong suits) pretty much points us in the direction of wether our marriage will survive or not.  The next few days will basically be the make or break, so to speak.

 

I’ve never told anyone about my history, not my family, friends, anyone so I’m completely on my own here, apart from my councillor.

 

I’m just not in a very comfortable place at the moment.  Councillor ensures me it will get better, just hanging on until then

Re: I’m so bitter and pi$$ed off, feeling sorry for myself

your not alone amongst us @Razzle even though i know its not the same as real life support. i do hope that you can work out your marriage and your hubby becomes more supportive as well. its hard to confide in those who dont react well.

would you like to talk about what happened here? you dont have to of course but im here with a listening ear if you do

Re: I’m so bitter and pi$$ed off, feeling sorry for myself

@outlander  I’ve shared my abuse story in another thread called “struggling” in the Our Experience and Stories forum.  I can talk about the first few assaults, but I struggle with the last one that went on for over a year.

 

In regards to my husband, he hates conflict, will avoid it at any length, so much so that he’d throw me under the bus before he’d ever take my side.  This became blindingly obvious last year when my father died.  He was very unwel in a hospital 270kms from home.  I stayed with him and mum (she’s in early stages of dementia and needed both support and some care).  I was away for 3 weeks until he was finally diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (died 6 days after diagnos)

 

While I was at the hossie with him my brother and his family from out of state came home, they are very selfish, self centred people.  I can only handle them

in VERY small doses.  They did a lot of really terrible mean things but I put up with it because I knew dad wasn’t long for the world and that they’d be headed off home within weeks.  3 days before dad died I had him transferred home so that he could die where he was familiar.  Hours before he died I had a huge falling out with my SIL, I was just done with all their shit.

 

The day he died was very tough, he’d died early hours of the morning so only got a few hours sleep before meeting with the funeral director etc because to suit these interstaters we had to have the funeral pretty quick.  That night I confided in my husband about the argument with SIL, and how she had behaved that day, ignoring everyone - particularly me, I couldn’t have cared less, but she never spoke to mum once.  My husbands reaction, he told me my SIL probably behaved the way she did because - his words - “you probably hurt her feelings”.  

 

I was so shocked that I repeated what had happened, reminded him of all the shit they did over the last 3 weeks, and

once again he told me I’d probably hurt her feelings.  

 

That  pretty much ended our marriage.  I decided to leave a couple months later, he asked to start counciling with him, sometimes it’s 2 steps forward, 1 step back then it becomes 1 step forward, 2 steps back.  It really isn’t in a good place now.  Hubby is trying to fix the problems we have now, whereas I’ve analysed every part of our marriage and can see the pattern all the way through, our problems start way back.

 

It was during marriage councilling that my abuse bubbled to the surface - that’s my main focus at the moment, that’s where I feel I need help the most.

 

Yesterday was just a very full on emotional exhausting day and I had a bit of a moment last night when I posted this thread.  Just feel so sad and lost at the moment.

 

 

Re: I’m so bitter and pi$$ed off, feeling sorry for myself

Re your hubby and side taking.  I am seeing men often play the gender card, but pretend its about something else.

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